[X&Y] She's In A Long-Distance Relationship. Will It Last?
Published: Sat, 02/03/24
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WHAT'S INSIDE: Have you ever had your eye
on a woman who was in a long-distance
relationship?
on a woman who was in a long-distance
relationship?
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READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS
Hi Scot,
Hope you are well. I'm really enjoying your Leading Man program
and have been working my way through it. I like the fact you tell
things as they are, but still in a positive way.
As a new svvvvv member, I would like to your thoughts on
my current situation.
It's not exactly a crisis or anything dramatic, but like you
advised - I like to check the status of my relationship and pay
attention to how I handle the 'smaller' things as well as the big.
I live in the UK and I met a girl in California in June, and hung
with her/her friends and also met her family for a few days, kept
in very regular contact over the months that followed getting to
know her gradually (deeper stuff like values and future hopes as
well as the usual), then spent part of my Xmas holiday over there
again with her.
We got on really well and Skyped regularly afterward, then in
late February I decided to ask her to be my girlfriend.
This is actually my first serious relationship and the long
distance situation without any physicality has proved to be
challenging to say the least.
Recently I sense a decline taking place, she's testing me more,
becoming very casual with our Skype 'dates', not bothering to wear
make-up and generally disinterest/disengagement in conversation
showing.
Quite a contrast to how things were.
Maybe individually these things do not make a big deal, but
together I feel they could be signs of a deeper, underlying
problem. I really want to take charge of this situation, but in
the best way.
When I've dated women in person I've managed to keep attraction
level consistent and respond to tests in a way that demonstrates
that I can stand up for myself (without being a domineering jack
ass), however I feel like things are slipping in this relationship.
I'd really like your advice on the responding to tests in the best
way (she is quite a sensitive person) and the best ideas/mind-set
for keeping attraction in this particular situation (specifically
between our face to face meetings).
If you have any other thoughts that you feel are more important for
relationship management/addressing situations early then I'd love
to hear them.
I'd just like to end by saying I've really benefited from your
advice and products so far so thank you for the work you do.
Graham (Northern Ireland, UK)
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Hello Graham:
First, welcome to the Power Session inner circle. I'm glad you're
enjoying The Leading Man as so many other guys are.
As you probably know already, I'm not a huge fan of long-distance
exclusive relationships. Considering you're as far away from her
as you are, your situation is that much more challenging.
Quote: "When I've dated women in person I've managed to keep
attraction level consistent"
I think that's a major key, right there.
I know you're not going to like hearing this, but there's just no
substitute for being there. The two of you have only seen each
other ONCE since almost a year ago.
That kind of relationship is flat-out unsustainable--well, unless
both of you are pretty much desperate and dateless apart from
each other, which I suspect you are not.
Given what you've shared with me, I'm all but sure she's starting
to lose interest.
The increased "testing" could very well be her attempt to look for
a good excuse to lose attraction for you and/or break up with you.
Her taking less effort to look attractive could point to her
wanting (even if unconsciously) for YOU to lose attraction for her
so she wouldn't have to take on the burden of initiating the break
up.
Either way, both factors along with your mention of her being a
"sensitive person" indicate that she might have some guilt about
breaking things off.
You've probably been wonderful and attracted her like mad when
the two of you are together. But dude...seeing each other once a
year?
She lives in California, for heaven's sake.
So the bottom line is this: Do you REALLY want to hold this
relationship together?
If so, you've GOT to deal with the "out of sight, out of mind"
reality.
Forget what you've heard in fairy tales, this is the real world.
You're going to have to SHOW UP more often, and I'd say that
means once every month to six weeks minimum.
If that can't be swung, you've got to move to California. Period.
Now, I fully realize this forces you to deal with the question of
whether or not you value the potential of this relationship more
that the comfort, stability, existing relationships and/or even the
very sustainability of your lifestyle in the UK.
And uprooting yourself would not exactly involve a "sure thing"
at the other end.
But I mean heck, think of it this way. What's the alternative?
At the rate of spending a few days together once a year, how
many YEARS is it going to take for you to have spent enough
time together to know you're truly compatible enough to last
long-term? 25? 30?
Sure, I asked Emily to marry me after seven months and we
were married after nine. But we also spent just about EVERY
waking hour together during that time...and yet I'm sure that
by the reckoning of many we still got married too soon.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
P.S. If you're not a member of Power Sessions like Graham
is, what are you waiting for? I really do answer your e-mail
questions if your part of that elite inner circle.
Plus, I've got some AMAZING advanced content coming up
specifically for Power Sessions guys.
You can get your first month on me if you like when you get
anything at all from the X & Y Communications Store:
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