[X&Y] What To Do When She's Been Mistreated By Other Guys (Reader Question)

Published: Fri, 02/09/24

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WHAT'S INSIDE: Out of nowhere, the fun flirtation stops and she
turns serious. What did you do wrong? Quite possibly nothing.

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WHAT TO DO WHEN SHE'S BEEN MISTREATED BY OTHER GUYS


Hey Scot, hope you're having a great day.

My question came up the other night when I was talking with a woman
that was interested in me.  We were having a great conversation and
somehow she had brought up that she had been drugged and raped a
few years prior.

This isn't the first time this has happened with me and a woman in
conversation.  It actually has happened several times, like around
5 or 6 different women.  They have either been raped or sexually
abused somehow.  And I know there are many more out there.

I never asked specifically about their past.  The topic usually
comes up after I bust on them about something that they do that
seems a bit odd, and then they produce their story of rape or abuse
as an excuse for their weird behavior.

My question is:  Is there any good or better way to handle this
kind of thing when it comes up? 

If the topic only came once in my life I would disregard it as a
fluke, but I have never heard this area addressed by any of the
other dating gurus, and I think it may have some importance.

I'm hoping you can shed some light on this for me.

Thanks, Scot keep up the good work!


Michael  (From "Parts Unknown")



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Hello Michael.  What a terrific question you've asked

Yes, there's an inherent risk when being open and flirtatious with
women that you are going to unwittingly hit a sore subject for her.

The very first thing I want to express to you is that if you've
been a respectful, fun human being there should be no reason to
blame yourself when situations like the one you're describing come
up out of the blue.

Along those same lines, you shouldn't change your style of casually
approaching women or your positive demeanor.  What a woman's past
looks like and how it may have negatively affected her is beyond
your control.

But yes, seemingly innocuous flirtation with women can suddenly
turn sticky (and you *may* not know why...or EVER find out, frankly). 

Unfortunately, it has been estimated that over 50% of all women
have experienced some sort of sexual or physical assault.  In fact,
so have a lot of MEN, especially in childhood.

How someone of either gender reacts to these traumatic situations
contributes significantly to who he or she is as an individual
later on, for better or worse. 

Some people are strong and remain virtually unaffected, while
others are scarred for life with a victim's mentality.

First of all, don't let anyone lay a guilt trip or any sort of "man
bashing" attitude on you if you were simply attempting to be
friendly. 

It's not your fault she was assaulted, and you're not like that
other guy.

I can't underscore that point enough.  Do not let anyone tell you
that all men are bad, or lay the blame on you for what some other
thug has done in the past.

If and when these situations come up as you've described, stop
kidding around (at least temporarily) and take her emotions
seriously, but don't let her wallow in self-pity, either. 

Also, be on the lookout for how a woman might throw everything
on the table as part of saying, "I'm sorry" purely from a position of
low self esteem.

If that's ever the case, absolutely free to tell a woman she can stop
saying "I'm sorry" when she has nothing to be sorry for. 

And you can likewise tell her in plain English that you are NOT
like this other person, whoever it was, and--importantly--that your
opinion of her is NOT swayed by her revelation to you regarding the
past.

In doing so you may possibly empower her to move on, at least to
some extent.  And my impression is that if she's volunteering such
info without direct inquiry, there's still a weight on her shoulders
that needs to be lifted.

Also know that neither you--nor I for that matter--are in the business
of psychotherapy.  You can only respond as a decent human being.
You cannot "cure" anyone.

But listen.  You also don't have to enter into a relationship with
someone who is not ready to be one half of a great relationship--for
whatever reason, including the one we're talking about here.
That's crucial to remember, especially if you're a man who deserves
what he wants.

Ultimately, it is everyone's own responsibility NOT to have their
respective lives ruined because of events in the past.  We each
have a choice in that matter, whether we choose to recognize it or
not. 

Heck, look at Emily and me.  Both of us could easily have wallowed
in victimhood years ago after our respective divorces, but we didn't. 

Thanks again for the great question.  And yes--isn't it odd how most
"dating advice" shies away from the more complex issues so often?

But those issues are very real and learning exactly how to handle
them is precisely what makes "deserving what you want" such a
valuable process and a unique destination.
 

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