[X&Y] The #1 Reason Why Guys Fail With Women
Published: Sat, 05/11/24
Updated: Sat, 05/11/24
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WHAT'S INSIDE: Too many men fail with women because of this...
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BEAT IT OVER THE HEAD WITH A SHOVEL UNTIL IT STOPS
TWITCHING
Today we're talking about how damaging shame and guilt are
to your success with women.
They're KILLERS.
So much so, that even the most current episode of The
Mountain Top Podcast touches upon that same subject.
But what about lack of confidence...and not being able to be
assertive, even when you know you have a point?
And how about seeing a beautiful woman who's exactly your
type, and immediately daydreaming about how perfect the
two of you would be together...only to "fail to deploy" again,
kicking yourself later for not meeting her.
Some guys can meet women, but then they completely "bonk"
when it comes to making conversation and creating attraction.
They're forever banished to the dreaded "Just Be Friends
Zone".
Meanwhile, other guys have allowed themselves to believe
they're bothering women by simply talking to them...or that
they're bound to be the subject of a #MeToo post simply for
showing sexual interest.
Well, forget all of that.
You're a good, decent man who deserves a kind, sexy and
fun woman (or women) in your life.
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=====
THE #1 REASON FOR DATING FAILURE
I have to warn you up front, this will be a "gloves off", no-nonsense
edition of this newsletter that might conjure up some uncomfortable
thoughts and emotions.
That's only natural, because in no uncertain terms nothing limits
otherwise sharp and desirable people from succeeding with MOTOS
(members of the other sex) more than what I am about to talk about.
And that's guilt and shame.
Guilt is best described as a gnawing sense that you've done
something wrong. Shame, in turn, is the sense of remorseful
embarrassment over whatever it is you feel guilty about.
Having a conscience is a good thing. Such helps shape a sense of
compassion and makes those who possess a solid one good citizens
of the world.
The problems start, however, when we allow ourselves to be
manipulated into believing we are "bad" or "unworthy" , or when we
refuse to forgive ourselves for past mistakes.
The end result of a prolonged sense of guilt and shame is that we
rob ourselves--and others, theoretically--of the healthy relationships
we deserve.
So tell me, have you ever been out with a woman you really
liked, but she just couldn't allow herself to believe the two of you
could have a great relationship?
You know what I mean.
She starts talking about how she "doesn't deserve you", or "if you
knew my secrets you'd reject me", etc. In the end, you broke up
with this woman, probably with a sense of frustration or even anger.
Give me a silent nod if you can relate.
Most dating advice would throw a blanket over such a situation
and say that the person who makes such "lame excuses" probably
didn't like you anyway and you just need to improve your "game".
But in the real world of advanced dating skills, those who deserve
what they want and become successful with MOTOS will often
discover truly terrific people who just can't allow themselves to be
happy in a relationship.
The most tragic situation of all, though, is when people who truly
do deserve what they want let shame and guilt get the best of them.
In these scenarios both potential partners lose out, don't they?
I personally had met and appreciated several women prior to meeting
my wife Emily who were absolutely stunning human beings on the
inside and out.
By all rights, some deserving guy should have been incredibly happy
someday to end up with any of them. And that guy may very well have
been me, except they simply could not get past the emotional damage
done to them, often leading to overwhelming shame and guilt.
Can you see the subtle difference between low self-esteem in its
raw form versus the effects of guilt and shame?
"I've been to jail before. No woman will love me." "I've been too
sexually promiscuous." "I spilled milk on my best friend in third
grade."
You've heard somewhere along the line that "nobody's perfect".
Thankfully, most of our imperfections (and not necessarily just the
"perfect imperfections" I famously talk about) aren't public.
This means that whatever we are carrying around, we have no idea
what other people have on their own plates. So we dwell on our own
embarrassing failures, thinking we are somehow worse than everyone
else.
What happened has got to be over and done with...it's the only
option, if you really think about it. I personally know people who
have let the tiniest of peccadilloes--the type of which 99% of us
would laugh off or even be proud of--RUIN their social lives.
On the other hand, I know others who have made truly IMMENSE
mistakes in their lives (including direct responsibility for the
accidental death of one's own child) who have gone on to
participate in happy relationships.
The difference between a "past mistake" and a "dark secret" for the
purpose of this context is the difference between something being
past versus being current.
Perhaps you smoke occasionally and just can't quit. Maybe you have
a child in another state. Whatever the issue is, if you feel you
have one you have two choices.
Either you can get the issue handled or you can aim towards
deserving someone more in line with your own personal situation.
If you just can't quit smoking, stop trying to hide it from
non-smoking potential partners and start dating smokers and/or
people who don't mind you lighting up. That's all there is to it.
The same logic can be applied to any other "secret" you have.
Based on my personal experience, most "dark secrets" are more
easily digested by others than we ever imagine they will be.
A quick note...if your dark secret is truly damaging to self or
others, take the high road and do what it takes to get rid of it.
Manipulative individuals can brainwash us into believing things
A major life skill central to deserving what you want is learning
how to see yourself as others see you.
If you are being told you are a jerk a few times a day then you
should probably look in the mirror.
However, if the only person on Earth who thinks you "don't love
your children" is your ex spouse, then you now know what to
do with that information.
Unfortunately, there are religious organizations out there that
have fine-tuned their guilt-producing machines to utter precision.
This is also a control mechanism, and one that carries shocking
effectiveness in the lives of many people.
If the message of a religious organization, or one of its members,
is causing you to be paralyzed with guilt and shame ask this: Does
that feeling represent your vision of the God you worship?
If you have been abused in any form it is not your fault.
This is certainly not a forum for formal recovery from such hurt,
but I have seen an incredible number of people (men and women)
have their identities in the dating world profoundly damaged by the
abusive acts of others.
Potential partners who are worth your time will not judge you
because you were abused.
Having been the victim of abuse, the only way you are limited from
deserving the partner of your dreams is if YOU limit yourself because
of guilt and shame. Period.
We know that divorce can weigh on one's self-esteem. However,
sometimes divorce also fosters a mindset of feeling judged by God
or others, thereby causing us to feel we are not fit to participate in
future relationships.
Truthfully, 21st century life is rarely as cut and dried as we would
like it to be.
In my own experience, there was no infidelity in my first marriage,
yet because of very complicated circumstances there is absolutely
no way I could have done more to make the marriage work and no
chance for living the remainder of my life with my ex-spouse.
After careful evaluation I learned how--and why---to move on, and
am at peace with it all.
When reconciliation is not an option for valid reasons that are
largely beyond your control, you must avoid the trap of remaining
mired in guilt over it.
=====
(c) X & Y Communications LLC, 2024. All Rights Reserved.
Forward this newsletter to a friend, and help
build this worldwide movement of over 100,000
men reclaiming their masculinity, standing as a
positive role model and deserving the high
quality women we want.
The Definitive Facebook Group For Men
I have to warn you up front, this will be a "gloves off", no-nonsense
edition of this newsletter that might conjure up some uncomfortable
thoughts and emotions.
That's only natural, because in no uncertain terms nothing limits
otherwise sharp and desirable people from succeeding with MOTOS
(members of the other sex) more than what I am about to talk about.
And that's guilt and shame.
Guilt is best described as a gnawing sense that you've done
something wrong. Shame, in turn, is the sense of remorseful
embarrassment over whatever it is you feel guilty about.
Having a conscience is a good thing. Such helps shape a sense of
compassion and makes those who possess a solid one good citizens
of the world.
The problems start, however, when we allow ourselves to be
manipulated into believing we are "bad" or "unworthy" , or when we
refuse to forgive ourselves for past mistakes.
The end result of a prolonged sense of guilt and shame is that we
rob ourselves--and others, theoretically--of the healthy relationships
we deserve.
So tell me, have you ever been out with a woman you really
liked, but she just couldn't allow herself to believe the two of you
could have a great relationship?
You know what I mean.
She starts talking about how she "doesn't deserve you", or "if you
knew my secrets you'd reject me", etc. In the end, you broke up
with this woman, probably with a sense of frustration or even anger.
Give me a silent nod if you can relate.
Most dating advice would throw a blanket over such a situation
and say that the person who makes such "lame excuses" probably
didn't like you anyway and you just need to improve your "game".
But in the real world of advanced dating skills, those who deserve
what they want and become successful with MOTOS will often
discover truly terrific people who just can't allow themselves to be
happy in a relationship.
You will be told you're "too good to be true". And sure, some
people suffer from plain old self-esteem issues. The most tragic situation of all, though, is when people who truly
do deserve what they want let shame and guilt get the best of them.
In these scenarios both potential partners lose out, don't they?
Getting past simple "tips", "tricks" and "game" means that those who
deserve what they want in the dating world have got to get past the
paint-by-numbers mindset and learn to look more deeply at human
behavior and communications.
paint-by-numbers mindset and learn to look more deeply at human
behavior and communications.
I personally had met and appreciated several women prior to meeting
my wife Emily who were absolutely stunning human beings on the
inside and out.
By all rights, some deserving guy should have been incredibly happy
someday to end up with any of them. And that guy may very well have
been me, except they simply could not get past the emotional damage
done to them, often leading to overwhelming shame and guilt.
Can you see the subtle difference between low self-esteem in its
raw form versus the effects of guilt and shame?
Let's consider five factors that trigger guilt and the shame associated
with it, and how to get around them:
with it, and how to get around them:
1) A BIG Past Mistake
"I've been to jail before. No woman will love me." "I've been too
sexually promiscuous." "I spilled milk on my best friend in third
grade."
You've heard somewhere along the line that "nobody's perfect".
Thankfully, most of our imperfections (and not necessarily just the
"perfect imperfections" I famously talk about) aren't public.
This means that whatever we are carrying around, we have no idea
what other people have on their own plates. So we dwell on our own
embarrassing failures, thinking we are somehow worse than everyone
else.
What happened has got to be over and done with...it's the only
option, if you really think about it. I personally know people who
have let the tiniest of peccadilloes--the type of which 99% of us
would laugh off or even be proud of--RUIN their social lives.
On the other hand, I know others who have made truly IMMENSE
mistakes in their lives (including direct responsibility for the
accidental death of one's own child) who have gone on to
participate in happy relationships.
2) A Dark Secret
The difference between a "past mistake" and a "dark secret" for the
purpose of this context is the difference between something being
past versus being current.
Perhaps you smoke occasionally and just can't quit. Maybe you have
a child in another state. Whatever the issue is, if you feel you
have one you have two choices.
Either you can get the issue handled or you can aim towards
deserving someone more in line with your own personal situation.
If you just can't quit smoking, stop trying to hide it from
non-smoking potential partners and start dating smokers and/or
people who don't mind you lighting up. That's all there is to it.
The same logic can be applied to any other "secret" you have.
Based on my personal experience, most "dark secrets" are more
easily digested by others than we ever imagine they will be.
A quick note...if your dark secret is truly damaging to self or
others, take the high road and do what it takes to get rid of it.
3) Manipulation
Manipulative individuals can brainwash us into believing things
about ourselves that just aren't true. Ex-spouses and control
freaks are famous culprits here, yet somehow we allow their
poisonous "gaslighting" to influence us. freaks are famous culprits here, yet somehow we allow their
A major life skill central to deserving what you want is learning
how to see yourself as others see you.
If you are being told you are a jerk a few times a day then you
should probably look in the mirror.
However, if the only person on Earth who thinks you "don't love
your children" is your ex spouse, then you now know what to
do with that information.
Unfortunately, there are religious organizations out there that
have fine-tuned their guilt-producing machines to utter precision.
This is also a control mechanism, and one that carries shocking
effectiveness in the lives of many people.
If the message of a religious organization, or one of its members,
is causing you to be paralyzed with guilt and shame ask this: Does
that feeling represent your vision of the God you worship?
4) Abuse
If you have been abused in any form it is not your fault.
This is certainly not a forum for formal recovery from such hurt,
but I have seen an incredible number of people (men and women)
have their identities in the dating world profoundly damaged by the
abusive acts of others.
Potential partners who are worth your time will not judge you
because you were abused.
Having been the victim of abuse, the only way you are limited from
deserving the partner of your dreams is if YOU limit yourself because
of guilt and shame. Period.
5) Divorce
We know that divorce can weigh on one's self-esteem. However,
sometimes divorce also fosters a mindset of feeling judged by God
or others, thereby causing us to feel we are not fit to participate in
future relationships.
Truthfully, 21st century life is rarely as cut and dried as we would
like it to be.
In my own experience, there was no infidelity in my first marriage,
yet because of very complicated circumstances there is absolutely
no way I could have done more to make the marriage work and no
chance for living the remainder of my life with my ex-spouse.
After careful evaluation I learned how--and why---to move on, and
am at peace with it all.
When reconciliation is not an option for valid reasons that are
largely beyond your control, you must avoid the trap of remaining
mired in guilt over it.
=====
(c) X & Y Communications LLC, 2024. All Rights Reserved.
Forward this newsletter to a friend, and help
build this worldwide movement of over 100,000
men reclaiming their masculinity, standing as a
positive role model and deserving the high
quality women we want.
The Definitive Facebook Group For Men
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