[X&Y] What To Do If You're Not Getting Second Dates (Reader Question)

Published: Sat, 06/22/24

Updated: Sat, 06/22/24

The first meeting with a woman goes great, but she grows "distant" from you after that and there's never a second date. What happened there?

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IN THIS EDITION:  The first meeting with a woman goes great, but
she grows "distant" from you after that and there's never a second
date.  What happened there?

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WHAT TO DO IF YOU'RE NOT GETTING SECOND DATES


Hi Scot,

I have a question for you.

I don't have much problems in meeting women.  I am a good man, very
smooth, confident, I am passionate.

They are often naturally attracted to me.  Maybe I am even good at
attracting women. But my problem comes later.

I often don't get second dates.  It goes like this.  The first date
is very good, we may hold hands or even kiss.  I express my wish to
meet again and get to know her better, she agrees, ok.

Then in the evening or next day, she texts or IMs me about how she
enjoyed and how she is looking forward to me.  She even can make
erotic notes to me.  So, she seems to be all over me.

I don't push it or try too hard after the first date.  I'm sure I
don't push as much as other guys.  I am just consistent with what I
told her, I wish to meet again.

But after several days (usually after a week), the woman becomes
distant.  Then, either she texts me with some stupid stuff that she
doesn't feel it, or we get into argument and break it up.

Scot, please what's the problem?  Is it common?

It happens often, now even with 5 women in row.  All of them
attracted for sure, all writing about how they wish to do anything
with me.

One hint maybe - at the end, about half of those women tell
something like "you are not as good as you think" or "you think too
much of yourself".

How does that translate?  When the enthusiasm after the first date
wears off, do they think I am player?  I am not.

Or do they think I am too good for them?  Or too good to be true?

Do I make a mistake on the first date or after?

One thing is very interesting.  The women don't JBF me, they just
end contact.  I don't even remember now when I got a JBF from a
woman.

Thank you for taking your time.


David  (Prague, Czech Republic)



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Hello David, and thanks for writing.    

It sounds like they're getting mad at you for not showing a whole
lot of enthusiasm about following up.  So they're responding to
their own feelings with what I'd call a "pre-emptive strike".  

They've shown interest in you but you've played it cool too much
and have taken too long to actually schedule the second date.  So
then, they're dumping you before you get around to dumping
them...which they perceive as imminent.

Since you've made it clear you actually like these women and want
that second date with them, your reaction at this point might be to
ask, "Huh? So what HAPPENED there?"

You've got questions, I've got answers.  Let's start by laying the
foundation.

The basic premise here is that when you KNOW a woman is interested
in you (and her wanting the second date would certainly qualify)
then you no longer have to concern yourself with coming off as
needy or clingy quite as much.

The most crucial stage is DONE.  You've created attraction.  

From there, you obviously don't want to slip into some sort of
emotional dependence on her.

But on the other hand you don't want to leave her hanging either
--all because you feel you somehow can't show any interest without
her instantly feeling like she can do better.  

Indeed, it may sound like there's a fine line to walk here between
romanticizing every little detail and taking care of pure logistics.

Your gut instincts may be your best guide as to how to find that
balance.  To that end, remember always two crucial truths:



1)  Women Are 100% Human Like You And I Are


I think it's easy to get caught up in the romanticized notion that
literally every step you take has to be centered around creating
attraction and making her want you more, especially at the
beginning.

You may know better than to go overboard like some guys do.

Lots of guys convince themselves that they've got to make first
dates mind-blowing and expensive or the woman won't be "impressed".
 
Then, everything has to go stone-cold perfectly or she'll vanish
into thin air and never be heard from again.

But even the more subtle indications of what I'm talking about here
come from the same mindset as the idea that stunningly hot women
are more like "goddesses" than mere mortals.

Essentially, we put attractive women on pedestals and treat them as
if their experience transcends the mundane at every moment of every
day.

But no matter how hot she is, it's statistically improbable that
she's a princess.  

She still has to buy groceries, pay the water bill, see the dentist
sometimes and use toilet paper.

So ironically, all of our best efforts at maximizing every little
strategy we know for succeeding with women can start backfiring at
some point.  

Never mind the fact that being "too perfect" can creep women out
and spending too much money can make women feel as if they're being
"bought".

For many guys, the point where everything falls apart comes when
it's time to cover apparently boring logistics that don't seem very
"attractive" or "romantic".

A fantastic example of that is setting the second date.  

What most normal, human women want is for you to simply take the
lead and have a human-to-human discussion with her on when the two
of you can schedule the next meeting, and where it's going to take
place.  

This is not going to be a sexually-charged interchange laced with
playful banter.  

It's going to feel weirdly like a business transaction, but I'm
telling you SHE WON'T MIND THAT.  

She's a big girl and she knows it needs to be done.  And believe
me, if that "business" isn't taken care of, you tend to get into
the situation you're in now.   

Your best bet is to handle logistical conversations like a man
and then let the flirting continue afterwards.



2)  Nobody Likes Being Toyed With


One of the most common lines in online dating profiles is, "I don't
like playing games".  People aren't talking about Monopoly and
Scrabble when they write this.

Universally, all of us detest when people "piss on our leg and tell
us it's raining", as we say here in Texas.  

What's happening is that women are indeed getting attracted to you
and yes...you're making them feel safe and comfortable in your
presence.  

As a result, they're allowing themselves to be a bit vulnerable.
They're feeling free to make it clear that they like you.

So when they perceive your coolness toward actually setting up a
second date it's sort of disturbing, if not flat-out humiliating
to them.  

That quickly leads to anger, which in turn leads to, "You know
what?  Thanks, but no thanks..."  

That's when she throws down the "pre-emptive strike".



Importantly, you're not getting the "just be friends" talk because
they really ARE attracted to you and because their perception is
that YOU are rejecting THEM.  

They believe you really have zero interest in them, despite your
words and actions to the contrary.  In their minds they reached out,
but you ultimately didn't reciprocate.

That's what makes them think you're sort of full of yourself.  It's
as if their thoughts and emotions don't matter to you nearly as
much as your own.  

The solution going forward is a simple one.  Let down your guard a
bit when it comes to reassuring women that attraction is mutual and
go ahead and plan second dates quickly.

You're not giving your power away when you do that.  Actually, the
exact opposite is true.  You're exercising your option to CHOOSE.  

Go ahead and have a matter-of-fact talk with the next woman you go
out with after your successful first date with her.  Tell her you
had fun and want to see her again.  Suggest a date, time and place.

If she can't make it then, she'll say so.  From there, suggest a
couple more possible times and take it from there.  

It really is no different a conversation than you'd have with a
business associate.

If you want to create a bit of mystery by waiting until the next
day in order to make her think about how much she wants you even
more, I'm not going to begrudge you that.  

But definitely make plans with her the next day.  Don't wait longer
than that.  

After all, she's only human.
 

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