[X&Y] The #1 Biggest Excuse Guys Make For Failing With Women
Published: Sun, 04/28/24
Updated: Thu, 05/02/24
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WHAT'S INSIDE: Here is the third installment in our series on
excuses for dating failure. This "wild card" is perhaps themost insidious and far-reaching excuse of them all...
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THE #1 EXCUSE FOR DATING FAILURE (PART THREE OF A
THREE PART SERIES)
The last two newsletters have focused on the top ten excuses
guys (and women too, actually) make for dropping out of the dating
pool.
Today, as promised, this series will culminate in a frank discussion
of what I believe to be the single most insidious factor keeping
people from dating.
I have to warn you up front, this will be a "gloves off", no-nonsense
edition of this newsletter that might conjure up some very serious
thoughts and emotions.
That's only natural, because in no uncertain terms nothing limits
otherwise sharp and desirable people from pursuing and succeeding
with the opposite sex more than what I am about to talk about.
This is about guilt and shame.
Having a conscience is a good thing. Such helps shape a sense
of compassion and makes those who possess a solid one good
citizens of the world.
The problems start when we let ourselves be manipulated
into believing we are "bad" or "unworthy" OR when we refuse to
forgive ourselves for past mistakes.
The end result of a prolonged sense of guilt or shame is that we
literally rob ourselves--and others, theoretically--of the healthy
relationships that we deserve.
So tell me, have you ever been out with someone you really
liked...but that person just couldn't allow him or herself to believe
the two of you could have a great relationship?
You know what I mean.
Conversations about how he or she "doesn't deserve you", or "if
you knew my secrets you'd reject me", etc. In the end, you broke
up with this person...probably with a sense of frustration or even
anger.
Give me a silent nod if you can relate.
Most dating advice would throw a blanket over such a situation
and say that the person who makes such "lame excuses" probably
didn't like you anyway and you just need to improve your game.
And that's sure to happen to many of you--as it did to me--before we
learn to deserve what we want.
But in the real world of advanced dating skills, those who deserve
what they want and become successful in the dating world will often
discover truly terrific people who just can't allow themselves to be
happy in a relationship.
You will be told you're "too good to be true". And sure, some
people suffer from plain old self-esteem issues. Those excuses we covered already.
The most tragic situation of all, though, is when people who truly
do deserve what they want let shame or guilt get the best of them.
In these scenarios both potential partners lose out, don't they?
Getting past simple "tips", "tricks" and "game" means that those who
deserve what they want in the dating world have got to get past the "paint
by numbers" mindset and learn to look more deeply at human behaviorand communications.
I personally had met and appreciated several women prior to meeting
my wife Emily who were absolutely stunning human beings on the
inside and out.
Some deserving guy should be (and in many, many cases already has
been) incredibly happy someday to land any of them. And that guy
may very well have been me, except the particular women I am thinking
of simply could not get past the emotional damage done to them.
Can you see the subtle difference between low self-esteem in its
raw form versus the effects of guilt and shame?
Let's consider five factors that trigger guilt or shame, and how to
get around them:1) A BIG Past Mistake
"I've been to jail before. No woman will love me." "I've been too
sexually promiscuous." "I spilled milk on my best friend in third
grade."
You've heard somewhere along the line that "nobody's perfect".
Thankfully, most of our imperfections (and not necessarily just the
"perfect imperfections" I famously talk about) aren't public.
This means that whatever we are carrying around, we have no idea
what other people have on their own plates. So we dwell on our own
embarrassing failures, thinking we are somehow worse than everyone
else.
What happened has got to be over and done with...it's the only
option, if you really think about it. I personally know people who
have let the tiniest of peccadilloes--the type of which 99% of us
would laugh off or even be proud of--RUIN their social lives.
On the other hand, I know others who have made truly IMMENSE
mistakes in their lives (including direct responsibility for the
accidental death of one's own child) who have gone on to
participate in happy relationships.
2) A Dark Secret
The difference between a "past mistake" and a "dark secret" for the
purpose of this context is the difference between something being
past versus being current.
Perhaps you smoke occasionally and just can't quit. Maybe you
have a child in another state. Whatever the issue is, if you feel you
have one you have two choices.
Either you can get the issue handled or you can aim towards
deserving someone more in line with your own personal situation.
If you just can't quit smoking, stop trying to hide it from
non-smoking potential partners and start dating smokers and/or
people who don't mind your lighting up. That's all there is to it.
The same logic can be applied to any other "secret" you have.
Based on my personal experience, most "dark secrets" are more
easily digested by others than we ever imagine they will be.
A quick note...if your dark secret is truly damaging to self or
others, take the high road and do what it takes to get rid of it.
3) Manipulation
Manipulative individuals can brainwash us into believing things
about ourselves that just aren't true. Ex-spouses and
control-freaks are famous culprits here...yet somehow we allow theirpoisonous message through.
A major life skill central to deserving what you want is learning
how to see yourself as others see you.
If you are being told you are a jerk a few times a day,
well...yeah...look in the mirror. However, if the only person on Earth
who thinks you "don't love your children" is your ex spouse, well
then you now know what to do with that information.
Unfortunately, there are religious organizations out there that
have fine-tuned their guilt-producing machines to utter precision.
This is also a control mechanism, and one that carries shocking
effectiveness in the lives of many people.
If the message of a religious organization, or one of its members,
is causing you to be paralyzed with guilt or shame ask this: Does
that feeling represent your vision of the God you worship?
4) Abuse
If you have been abused in any form it is not your fault.
This is certainly not a forum for formal recovery from such hurt,
but I have seen an incredible number of people (men and women) have
their identities in the dating world profoundly damaged by the
abusive acts of others.
Potential partners will not judge you because you were abused.
Having been the victim of abuse, the only way you are limited from
deserving the partner of your dreams is if YOU do so because of
guilt or shame. Period.
5) Divorce
We know that divorce can weigh on one's self-esteem. However,
sometimes divorce also fosters a mindset of feeling judged by God
or others, thereby causing us to feel we are not to participate in
future relationships.
Truthfully, 21st century life is rarely as cut and dried as we
would like it to be.
In my own experience, there was no infidelity in my first marriage,
yet because of very complicated circumstances there is absolutely
no way I could have done more to make the marriage work and no
chance for living the remainder of my life with my ex-spouse.
After careful evaluation I learned how--and why---to move on, and
am at peace with it all.
When there is no chance for reconciliation for valid reasons that
are largely beyond your control, you simply must realize that it's
a trap to remain mired in guilt.
I fully realize that this has been a hard-hitting series overall,
and that this third part in particular has likely had a major
impact on many of you.
Perhaps having read this, you're now more certain than
ever that 1-on-1 coaching could change your life for the
better.
If that's the case, write me at:
Tell me your story, and let's talk about how to get you from
where you are now to where you really want to be.
I've been there before, and know how to get results for
you.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
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