[X&Y] What To Do If She Gets Too Clingy [Reader Question]

Published: Wed, 09/18/24

Updated: Wed, 09/18/24



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IN THIS EDITION:  You've met a decent woman, but
wouldn't you know it? She wants to "lock you down" way
too quickly.

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QUESTION FROM A READER


Hi Scot,

Thanks for all the advise you give me, through your newsletter and
podcast. I truly appreciate having the opportunity to become a
better man and have more success with women and dating.

My problem however is the following...

I've been seeing this woman for a bit more than a month now.

Although I was straight with her from the beginning, saying that
I did not want to be in bf / gf relationship she wants to and
she's pushing for it.

She will see me without me being committed, but I feel bad blowing
her off from time to time.

She is really nice and I don't want to become the man who does not
care about her feelings.

On the other hand, becoming a better me is time and energy consuming
and I want the freedom to learn and experiment at this time in my
life.

Is me thinking "I have to end this to protect her from getting hurt
and destroying the basis of a possible friendship" a limiting
belief?

Once I've been straight with her, do I need to trust her to make
her own decisions for herself? Or do I have to take responsibility
at this stage of our relationship?


Thanks for reading,

Maury (Lausanne, Switzerland)



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[Ed Note:  Importantly, the following answer is NOT gender-specific.]


This is an outstanding question, Maury.

"Limiting belief" is usually a term reserved for a negative way we
view ourselves that others don't necessarily share. How's that for
a simple working definition?

Having enough character to sever a romantic relationship when the
woman is falling in love--and you are not--hardly fits that profile.

That's right...it's a high character move to tell a woman that you
believe that another man will appreciate her much more than you
ever could.  

Some guys would keep stringing a woman along regardless of how
her feelings are affected, just as long as they are "getting laid" from
the transaction.

That's a poverty mentality. Men with options, such as yourself,
should definitely take the lead when a woman is beginning to get
too emotionally involved.  

If you don't share that emotional involvement, the only way to act
in everyone's best interest is to free her to invest her emotions in
a man who is more available in that regard.

This is no shame on you, by the way. Men fall in love too quickly with
women all the time, and women are usually pretty good about
severing things when appropriate.  

Yet somewhere along the line we as guys often decide that women
"can't handle the truth". I mean, we really don't want to make them
cry or anything.

Rest assured when I tell you that women are generally much better
at handling the truth than we give them credit for. What's more,
they appreciate truth much more than being led on.  

Delivering her the news in a way very similar to how I demonstrated
above (i.e. that another man will appreciate her more) is a solid
way to do so.

This is because it does not place a value judgment on the situation,
does not insult her, and does not make her feel as if she isn't
"good enough" for you. There's integrity and dignity in that
approach, both of which are imperatives.

Alternative ways to phrase it effectively could include, "I'm
freeing you up to find a man who is going to be more emotionally
involved, like you deserve", or "Ultimately, I believe there's
another guy who's better for you and will be everything you want
him to be."

I've used all of these examples effectively in the past.

Now with all of that said and done, you have to make sure that your
decisions are definitive. You shouldn't affect such a breakup
unless you are sure of your intentions (and the reasons behind
them).  

As such, to turn back to her based on her desire to persuade you of
such must be something you decide against up front. Promise yourself
you'll stand firm no matter what happens.

Sure, she may get emotional. She may bargain with you in ways that
supersede any manner of "testing" she's ever put forth, which when
you witness it is a breathtaking display of what happens when you don't
give your power away.  

Or, if she's especially wise yet determined, she'll calmly turn on
her heels and leave without much elaboration...but may call you two
or three days later to see what the temperature is after you've
"slept on it" for a few days, presumably by yourself.

Be ready for those potential responses so that you aren't snared.

Thanks again for your question. It was a fantastic one.



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You may be able to relate to Maury's scenario. Or, you may be
thinking to yourself that his may be the "highest quality problem"
we've talked about yet, and you can't imagine being in that
situation.

Whichever side of the fence you are on is, in all likelihood, very
much tied to how well you are able to ignite femininity.

Simply put, when you are unafraid to represent who you were born to
be sexually, the other sex takes a more powerfully charged
interest in you.  

This is not something that happens by representing a media-driven
stereotype.  

It happens through genuine understanding of what who you're
trying to attract really wants.

The only real difference between "friendship" and "more than
friends" is attraction. That's it. Two neuter creatures will never,
ever be sexually attracted to each other.

But...when you have the distinct ability to ignite women by
representing what is necessary to make it happen, you become
a rarer man than you might think in this culture.
 
Then, you end up in situations like Maury's. And, of course,
you've got to know how to handle them.

I'll talk to you again soon.
 

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