[X&Y] She Likes You, But You Like Her Friend Better

Published: Wed, 07/03/24

Updated: Sun, 07/07/24



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IN THIS EDITION:  You have your eye on a certain woman, but her
best friend likes you so she won't go out with you.  Now what?
    
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LETTER FROM A READER


Hi Scot!

Man, I have to thank you for helping us guys get better with women.
I know you've heard this a lot, but I'll just say it again: your
way of handling things in this dating business is unique and
authentic.

I've been reading your newsletters for a while now, and wanted to
get your expert opinion on something I haven't seen handled before.    

The thing is, many of us as guys love the idea of having a "High
Quality Problem" in which women fall for us left, right and
center...

However, I've been in a situation in which a woman liked me, but I
did not like her back. And the kicker here is that I would like one
of her friends, but it would seem that they were not interested in
pursuing things further, which I attributed to loyalty...

What is your take on that?


Ben (Kenya)


P.S:  Yes, your message has traveled far indeed, and inspired a
young man to deserve what he wants!



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Hello Ben:

Thanks for the kind words.  We've actually visited your beautiful
and fascinating country, and fell in love with it to the point that we
are tempted to move there.  Kenya is simply magnificent, and the
people are a big part of why that is.

But for now, let's get down to business.  You've asked a great
question, and it's one that affects lots of guys.

It's kind of like Murphy's Law, isn't it?  You have a woman who
has obviously fallen for you, but you just aren't attracted to her
in return.  

And wouldn't you know it, her "BFF" is the one you'd really like to
be with.

I've got to tell you, this is going to be tricky to handle no matter how
you slice it.  

But there are at least TWO strategies you can use, assuming for
the purpose at hand that the woman you like would be attracted
to you if it weren't for her friend.

Which way you go will depend squarely on ONE factor:  How
potentially attractive the woman you're NOT into is to guys OTHER
than yourself.

Fortunately, women tend to hang out with women who are of
similar attractiveness (at least generally speaking) to themselves.

This is the natural order of things, and if you've ever witnessed
how "catty" women can be about each other's looks then you know
everything you need to know about why this is the case.

Women are seriously relentless in this regard--much tougher judges
of each other than even we tend to be as their sexual polar opposites.

Go figure.

So yes--the hotties tend to flock together.  Of course, that doesn't
mean every said hottie in a particular clique of girls will by your type.

You'll probably favor one more than the others.

A-ha...but see?  That's the beauty of it.  Your favorite girl's friend
who you aren't so into may be some other guy's dream woman.

And thereby you have the potential cure of what ails you.  You
help find the BFF a boyfriend...as in, someone else.

Do what you've got to do.  Poll your friends and see who's
interested.  Even conspire with the woman you actually like to get
her the heck off the market.

See the magic in that?  Once she's got another guy to focus her
attention on--and she's officially "taken"--then any business she
has with YOU is officially off the table.

How could she possibly fault either you or her BFF for sparking a
flame together at that point, right?  Beautiful.

"Voila", as the French would say.  Or "Viola", as one of my friends
who's a notoriously bad speller would say.

Notably, it's up to you to remain a "big four" man who emanates
masculinity all the while.  Be that guy in the presence of all
women you interact with.  

Remember always, you gain nothing by "dumbing down" your
attractiveness.  So making some weird effort to be less attractive
to the woman you aren't interested will likely backfire.

It's not your fault if women you're not interested in become
interested in you.  Keep your eye on the ball, not doing anything
to compromise potential success with the woman you're really
after.

Great...so you've got that covered.   But what if the woman you
like's friend is decidedly unattractive to most men?

Fortunately, that's far less likely to be the case in real life
than it is in, say, old re-runs of "The Fresh Prince Of BelAir".

But let's cover the bases here, nonetheless.

My first hint is not to be so sure of yourself about what other
guys may think of her.  You may be shocked by how markedly
some guys' taste may differ from yours.

But notwithstanding that, let's assume that the woman who likes you
just doesn't take very good care of herself, isn't so concerned
about having a pleasant personality, etc.

What then?

Look, my gut feeling is that the two of them know the score.  The
less attractive BFF is well acquainted with the fact that  the more
attractive BFF generally gets a lot more male attention than she
does.

So this is probably not the first time the situation at hand has
presented itself.  The question then becomes, what "agreement", for
lack of a better word, do the two friends have?   

It's got to be a strain on their relationship either way, but does
the more attractive woman forego dating everyone that her friend is
potentially interested in, or has the less attractive friend resigned
herself to that happening more often than not?  

If the latter, does she simply deal with it without getting all mad
at her friend?

I realize this sounds harsh, but I'm being pragmatic here.

The possibility clearly exists that the best course of action would
be to broach the subject with the woman you really like.  Go ahead
and tell her that you'd rather spend time with her sometime, but you
don't want to hurt her friend's feelings.

That does two key tactical things for you.  

First of all, it demonstrates to the woman you favor that you're not
insensitive and selfish.  

Yet in the face of that, you've manned up and told her what your
intentions are.  Score a few points for you in the attraction
department.

Second--and this is freaking sweet--it offloads the "politics" onto
her so you don't even have to deal with it.  Let her work it out
with her friend.

The caveat here, of course, is that the woman you like may simply
tell you point-blank that she's not going to go out with you
because she wouldn't hurt her friend's feelings, etc., etc., etc.

It sounds like that's exactly what's going on in your case.

It's at that point that you enlist her help in trying to find her
friend a different guy to hang out with anyway, even if it is going
to be potentially more time-consuming.

OR...then again, you could transfer your attention to another woman
who's friendships aren't so fraught with complications.  In other
words, give yourself options.

Now there's an idea.
 

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