=====

IN THIS EDITION:  If you let the line go slack on you,
she may disappear. But you shouldn't chase her, either.

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=====



READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS:  HOW TO KEEP
COMMUNICATION OPEN WITHOUT CHASING HER


Dear Scot,

I have a friend Dan who does Ten-Plus coaching with you.  I
subscribe to your newsletter and I like the answers you give.
Here's one for you if you find it worthy of your newsletters:

I've come a long way this year in getting what I deserve and being
the kind of person who deserves the kind of woman he desires.  I
have a "what happened here?" type of question. I know I'm to blame
at least in part, but want to pin it down exactly.
 
I'm a good-looking, cultured guy, and I met a good-looking,
cultured girl at a charity event.  We hit it off immediately.

She's new in town and repeatedly pointed out to me she's single.
We hopped from the charity event to a nearby bar and got to know
each other better.  I texted her a few times, fun banter.  I noted
her responses were a bit infrequent / lacking but no big deal.
 
As a next step, I decided to take her out salsa dancing.  I'm an
experienced Latin dancer, so suffice it to say she really had a
great time over the night.

Frankly she was gushing as we left the club.  She abruptly had to
leave that night due to a very early Saturday a.m. appointment
(which I was unaware of, stupid me).

Nothing really physical happened (beyond dancing), perhaps due
to that interrupt.
 
I texted her a few times after that--still fun, but better than
get-to-know you banter since we had a pretty nice time and I could
draw on that a little.  Her texts back again were infrequent /
lacking.

I frankly have other girls working on me, so her behavior sort of
stood out.  In fact, it hit me as this:  She just wants me to
chase...too much.

She won't lift a finger.  Ideas...from the bar to salsa, I came up
with them all.  Though I'm asking you to trust me on this one, I
believe her behavior wasn't due to lack of interest in me. 

It suddenly struck me that this is HOW she acts out her INTEREST,
by following her "rules" or whatever it is to get me to invest and
chase. ("This guy is great! Don't chase! Make him chase you!")
 
I suddenly felt a dim feeling wash over me and I just moved on.  I
just feel that at some point the girl has to meet you halfway in
interest. 

I mean, at least an enthusiastic text back?  Is that against the
rules?  Am I going to have to do the heavy lifting...forever?
 
A month later, she sends a pretty generic text to me that for all I
know could have been sent to everyone en masse in her phone list.
I just regarded that as typical behavior from Miss "I do nothing,
you need to do everything". 

I texted her back, "Is this a mass text?"  She texted me a long one
after that, some sort of apology / insistence that the first text was
in fact a personal text to me.

But by this point, my feelings were sort of set, and I had already
become involved with someone else.
 
In looking back, I see confusion on her end and mine.

-- On her end, because she probably thinks I "dropped the ball"
after carrying it pretty far.  She didn't get that at some point
her cooperation would be appreciated, especially since I have other
options and/or that my plan isn't to carry the ball by myself
forever.
 
-- On my part, because I didn't see an obvious way to eliminate her
"he must chase me always" frame, a way to get her to see that as
infantile at a certain point, even though I knew it was happening. 

I have the sense that if I called her or texted her with something
humorous like, "So, I'm putting our elopement plans on hold until
I'm sure you can come up with fun ideas too" she might have gotten
the picture.  I have no doubt she could have come up with something
fun.  She's a fun girl...I think.
 

Thanks for any help,

Russell (Michigan)
 


=====



Well, it sounds at least like you are a man who has what I refer to
as "high quality problems".
 
It doesn't appear you're too broken up over losing her, just
confused by her behavior.
 
So here it is.  The highest quality women will not chase
you--ever--even if you are used to it from other women. 

I'm not exactly sure anyone particularly needs to "chase" anyway
when two high quality people meet, man OR woman.  So the likely
truth is that this woman wanted you to LEAD, not "chase".  BIG,
BIG difference.
 
I'm happy to explain.  But first, a basic observation.

I realize texting has taken over the world.  But the only way to use
the real, honest power of your masculine voice is to CALL her.

Also, real conversations over text SUCK.  No 'non-verbal'
communication and HUGE margins for error when it comes to
misinterpretation (as you actually saw first hand) make that a bad
idea.
 
What she wanted was for you to go ahead and call her.  And no,
she wasn't going to call you first.  She was looking for you to take
the LEAD.  Elaboration later, but first the basics...
 
This woman absolutely, positively did show plenty of interest.  She
flirted with you up front, told you she was single, bounced with
you elsewhere the night she first met you and then proceeded to
stay out with you on day two until 2am having a blast when she
had to get up early. 

What more validation of her attraction do you really need? 

Look...high quality women will NOT lose their dignity.  Here we had
a woman who simply shared your commitment to personal dignity
and not giving one's power away.

Is that not what you'd rather have than a bunch of fawning bimbos? 

The whole "lower status breeds disinterest" game is NOT gender
specific.  We as guys lose interest in women who fall all over us
just like women in men who have a  similar lack of self-control
(although arguably not as quickly, as women rightly demand real
leadership from us). 
 
Neither this woman nor any other owes you any other signals than
those you were given.  In fact, my opinion is that she likely threw
her approval of you out on the table more than she typically does.

Had I been out with her my last official act on that second date
between her "gushing" and "abruptly leaving" would have been to
accompany her to the door of whichever car she was "abruptly
leaving" in, pause to look her in the eye, tilt my head, watch for
her to tilt hers and proceed to kiss her brains out for exactly 5-10
seconds. 

No more...no less.

Then I would have paused for the perfunctory close-range staring
into each other's eyes like wild untamed beasts for another precise
5-10 seconds. 

Then I would have cracked a slight smile, flicked up the end of her
nose with my left index finger like she was a bratty little sister
and simply said, "I'll call you." 

Then, I'd call her...sooner than later.  And I wouldn't have to wait
three to five days "so as not to appear needy", either.

That's what she wanted, but ONLY if you did too--enough to LEAD
her into that reality.
 
I'd actually need more fingers than I have on both hands to count
how many times the above story has played out with mind blowing
results in my life.

I might add, often with women who showed nearly zero indication
of interest beyond friendly conversation and continued willingness
to stick around for at least while longer than absolutely necessary. 

But yes, looking back on my life I'd also need a few more hands to
count how many times I could kick myself for not knowing back in my
late teens/early twenties what I know now about all of this. 

For example, have you ever had a woman get in her car and speed
off in disgust after an apparently perfectly good date up until the
very end?  If so, welcome to the "Failure To Deploy" fraternity.
Lets just say it wasn't "disinterest". 
 
Regardless of what some guys have been led to believe, all American
women are NOT greedy manipulators who want to "wear the pants". 

What the great ones ARE, though, is overworked, overwrought,
starved for masculine confidence and leadership, and deathly afraid
of looking like "sluts". 

For them, "wearing the pants" by default sucks. 

Outside of, say, Cuba Gooding Jr.'s wife in Jerry Maguire, show
me a woman who "wear the pants" in a relationship and I'll show you
a BITTER woman who resents her WEAK husband. 

Your job is to make things go the way you envision them with women
who are clearly interested in you, and then watch in awe as they
"thank you" for it.
 
I sense you may appreciate an example, so here goes. 

It's like this.  Any bonehead can get on a moped and putt around
the neighborhood. 

But how about a GSX-R 1000?  If you try to ride one of those lil'
screamers like you're afraid of it and/or don't understand its
capabilities, it'll spit you off and likely flatten you. 

At best you'll look pretty stupid in front of your friends.
However, if you've practiced your bike handling skills, know how to
respect horsepower and pilot the thing with duly earned authority
that same 180hp high-tech masterpiece is probably the safest
motorcycle on the street, and certainly more rewarding in every way
than the moped. 

And of course, if you ride the moped on the interstate you'll
become roadkill in no time...with  "Kenworth" tattooed on your
forehead.
 
That chick was very likely a GSX-R 1000 among MOTOS.