[X&Y] How To Be In Control Without Being A Controlling Jerk

Published: Tue, 02/25/25

Updated: Tue, 02/25/25


 
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WHAT'S INSIDE:  Are you concerned about
coming off like a "control freak", even though
you're only about being a solid leader and
decision maker?

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MASCULINE LEADERS VS. CONTROLLING JERKS


  [Ed. Note:  This topic came up yet again recently while talking
  with a Ten-Plus guy who was in San Antonio to visit me. I was
  reminded of this "classic" article I wrote for a prominent men's
  portal several years ago. Since most of you have probably never
  seen it, here it is...]


Back when I was in the IT world I flew to Chicago quite a bit.
Since United Airlines is hubbed at O'Hare (or "ORD"), that was
my usual airline of choice.

Now, whatever your personal opinion of United Airlines is, there
are two ultra-cool things about UA that cannot be denied:  1) They
serve Starbucks on board, and...  2) ...if you tune in to channel 9 on
their in-flight audio system, you can listen to air traffic control
(aka "ATC") in real time.  [Ed. Note: ...neither of which is still
the case nowadays.]

While cruising at 38,000 feet, overhearing the Ft. Worth Area
Control Center hand off to Kansas City Center is admittedly not the
most exciting thing in the world.

But when initial approach into ORD would begin, I found myself
utterly fascinated by the flawless choreography necessary on the
part of air traffic controllers to ensure safe and efficient
traffic flow into and out of one of the busiest airports on the
planet.

"...United 4520, descend and maintain 3500. Turn left, heading 030
for three-two left. Contact O'Hare tower 132.7, good day. United
298, maintain at or above 4000. Observe company traffic, 7-5 at
2:00. Lufthansa 430 heavy, descend and maintain 5000..."

The flight crews trying to land jets at O'Hare fully understand
that it's a really good idea to take whatever ATC tells them
seriously. After all, there's seldom any doubt that those manning
the radar screens are utterly competent. And to deviate from their
guidance could spell out disaster.

And it's not like there's a power struggle or anything. The pilots
are doing their job, which is a pretty cool gig in its own right,
and the guys in the tower at London Gatwick, on the job at Potomac
Terminal Radar Approach Control, or at the Boise Center are doing
theirs.

And as a team, the pilot and the air traffic controller are
operating in the best interest of everyone involved...especially the
passengers.

It's not like ATC is saying "my way or the highway". Believe me, if
Iberia 27 Heavy happens to blow an engine in ORD airspace,
priorities will be gladly adjusted accordingly.

And the pilots? Their number one concern is arriving safely and
soundly on terra firma. They're all about getting their part of the
plan done without any drama. For them, attempting to create order
out of chaos in the skies would be unthinkable--they've GOT to be
freed up to go about the business of flying.

Relationship management is, in many ways, not unlike air traffic
control.

Granted, we as men probably do well not to issue an emotionless
stream of rapid-fire commands to a woman if we want to get anywhere
with her.

But we as guys must have a PLAN. We need to be able to confidently
assert what's best for everyone involved in any given scenario. And
what's best for our significant others should take precedence over
our own selfish needs, within reason. That should be by our own
choice.

This means putting ego aside and making decisions based on a clear
knowledge of what a woman's hopes and dreams are vis-à-vis what is
both feasible and reasonable...and executing based on that vision.

But this doesn't mean we allow ourselves to be taken advantage of
by an opportunistic woman. If we're in jeopardy of quickly becoming
someone's "doormat", all bets are off.

Make no mistake. In such a case a great woman will not be demanding
and selfish. Similarly, she won't make unreasonable demands at the
expense of common sense.
 
Just like a pilot theoretically could veer from course, summarily
ignoring ATC's solid plan of action, she could do her own thing.
But if your leadership example smacks of confidence and
benevolence, that won't happen--whether you are an air traffic
controller or one half of a great relationship.
 
What's more, as men being able to see the "big picture" regarding
what's on the radar screen both now and in the future is a must.
Without that kind of field vision, potential snags will seemingly
arise out of nowhere and bite us where the sun don't shine.
 
And lets face it, were a pilot suddenly to find him or herself on a
visual collision course with a 777 he or she would consider that an
unwelcome surprise. And trust in air traffic control would probably
degenerate quickly, and rightly so.

So yes, as there is in the skies, there's a careful balance to be
attained when practicing solid relationship management.

It's not so much about "control", per se, as it is "leadership"
when you get right down to it.

Women respond to the leadership of a great man. It's hard-wired.
But the man must be both confident and competent as a leader in
order for this to function according to design.

If you assert your way without regard for the woman, either out of
selfishness or foolish arrogance, unfortunate disasters are likely
to happen. Such is the behavior of a control-freak I/J
("idiot/jerk").

But if you carry yourself in an almost regal manner that inspires
confidence in a woman, your ability to maintain that all-important
sense of order in a world of chaos is a crucial--and welcome--
component of what gives the woman in your life freedom to fly.

And this is a good thing, because someday there may even be
passengers on the flight, and you'll need to be ready.
 

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