[X&Y] Get Over The Fear Of Meeting Women

Published: Thu, 12/26/24

Updated: Mon, 12/30/24



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IN THIS EDITION: When it comes to getting better with women, most
guys would say that overcoming approach anxiety is right near the top
of their wish list.

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GET OVER THE FEAR OF MEETING WOMEN


Lately I've been getting a whole lot of e-mails asking about
how to get over the fear of meeting women.

So let's address the subject directly...with a big, heavy hammer.

By now you know I believe that a "big four" man really doesn't need
any special lines or tricks in order to capture a woman's
attention and begin a conversation with her.

In fact, it can be as simple (if not necessarily easy) as opening
with, "My name is [insert here].  I saw you from across the room
and had to meet you."

Similarly, I've told you before about how guys often fear rejection
because they turn meeting women into an "us vs. them" contest
when it's really just a conversation.

As a result, the potential horror of "getting beaten by a girl"
takes over and they clam up.

I've mentioned as well about how most women really WANT to be
approached by a respectful man who knows how to be social.  This
is despite what you've been told about women feeling "oppressed"
or "harassed" by a man who talks to them simply because he's a
man.

Yet we often let that myth stop us dead in our tracks, don't we?

And I've also explained before that if you tend to be successful at
attracting women you aren't necessarily attracted to, then the
women you ARE attracted to are indeed likely to be attracted also..

...if only you'd get the conversation rolling.

In other words, the cure for approach anxiety may be linked to just
trusting that your masculinity and your social persona WORK.

Even though all of those strategies I've summarized above are
super effective for a lot of guys, there's that ONE article I wrote
fifteen years ago now which has become the gold standard
reference when it comes to any discussion of approach anxiety.

It has since been included (along with a BUNCH more on the
subject) in Never Ever Settle, the book that comes with Virtuosity.
But in case you've never seen it before, here's the entire article.

Enjoy...



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APPROACHING WOMEN: THE SIMPLE EVENT THAT
CHANGED MY LIFE



It was a perfectly normal Saturday afternoon back in 2004.

I was going to visit my girlfriend later in the day, but until then it
was time to run the usual slate of typical, mundane errands.

Even though I was in a relationship at the time, I had learned from
my research on men and women that style was important--so I had
some nice jeans and a button-down shirt on.  My belt and my shoes
matched, and I was in "Successful Guy Saturday Casual" mode.

After a quick trip to the post office and a stop at the bicycle
shop, it was time to go to Target.  I needed several things, so I
got a cart.


I had checked off toothpaste, light bulbs and even toilet paper,
of all things, when I happened to see someone I knew at the end
of the aisle.

I had only met her once, but she was a friend of my girlfriend's.
So I knew I had better say "hello".  After all, making nice with
the girlfriend's friends is always a plus.

She didn't appear to notice who I was, so as I reached where she
was I tapped her shoulder with the back of my hand and said
(simply), "Hey!"

She turned and responded back with a reciprocal "Hey!", with a
warm smile and that classic "eyebrow flash" that the body-
language books talk about.

"So it looks like even superheroes like you and I still have to
shop for normal, everyday stuff at the Target, right?", I said,
noticing a few stray items in her shopping cart.

"I suppose!", she acknowledged with a warm, friendly laugh.

I continued with very typical small talk after that.  As the
conversation continued, I started feeling something strange, if
not downright creepy.

My girlfriend's friend, if my mind wasn't playing tricks on me, was
starting to behave in a manner that I would ALMOST call...
FLIRTATIOUS.

I was caught off guard.  After all, if what I was seeing was really
happening, it was COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE.  After all,
not only was I dating this woman's friend, this woman was
MARRIED!

So I maintained that 18" distance that social mores dictate is
proper, while continuing with perfectly normal conversation.

But soon, there was no denying the body language.  She was
clearly enjoying the interaction, and eventually made a comment
or two that were unmistakably forward.

At this point I was going out of my way to not appear romantically
interested in return.  Yet, I couldn't help the thoughts that were
racing in my mind.

This woman was CLEARLY ATTRACTED to me.  On top of th
impropriety of it all, I was struck by the apparent IMPROBABILITY
of it all.

This woman was 15 years my junior and at least FIVE INCHES
TALLER than I.

Now, let me level-set here.  My girlfriend at the time was a
beautiful woman, and her friend was likewise very attractive.

So here we had a situation where a woman who was NOT MY TYPE
AT ALL, and indeed not one of the ones I would immediately picture
going after a guy like me, was UNQUESTIONABLY INTERESTED.

At that point I realized this conversation needed to end...and SOON,
for obvious reasons.  To that effect I said, "Well, time to get back
to shopping.  But I'll tell [my girlfriend's name] you said 'hello'."

There was a slight pause. Then a quizzical look from the woman.

"Uh...who is [my girlfriend's name]?", she wondered.

I looked back with an equally querulous expression.  "...Aren't you
Jennifer?"

"Um...nooooooo...my name is Felicia."

With my mind racing in several different directions, I happened to
look down and noticed there was no ring on her left hand.

I spontaneously laughed and explained to her what had just happened.

The woman really was a dead ringer for who I thought she was.

She responded with warm eyes and a feminine giggle.  "So that's...
IT...?", she said with one raised eyebrow and a motion of the hand
to indicate continuation.

I politely ended the conversation there anyway, of course--because
I had a girlfriend--and returned to shopping.

But I was changed forever.

Why?

I had read time and again about how over 90% of men have some fear
of approaching women.  Furthermore, I had read about how the single
most important factor in GETTING OVER that fear is to simply GO OUT
AND MEET WOMEN.

The problem is that most of the time we as guys can't get out of our
own way when doing so, assuming we get up the guts to even try.

So, in one brief exercise--and by TOTAL ACCIDENT--I had unequivocally
proven what it takes to successfully meet women.  Ironically, the
"success" was overwhelmingly due to the fact that I wasn't even trying
to "pick this woman up".

So what's going on there?

Let's outline the key principles and components of that experience
at the Target:


  1)     I had started the day making sure I looked my best.  It was
a habit I had cultivated so that I was always READY for an interaction
with a woman...if not the woman at the Target.


  2)     I had NO HIDDEN AGENDA with this woman from a sexual
perspective.  There was nothing about my approach that caused her
to put her guard up.  I was just making normal conversation.  As
such, there was a comfortable atmosphere surrounding the whole
thing.


  3)     Based on the fact that I believed I already knew this
woman, I was 100% CONFIDENT that I wouldn't be flatly rejected when
I spoke to her.  Think about it.  If you behave as if you are sure
that talking to someone will be met with a positive response, you
will not be nervous or sketchy about it at all.


  4)     My "opener" with her was a simple "Hey!" with a light,
backhanded whack on the shoulder.  No fancy, contrived "lines".


  5)     This was not a bar or some other special "pick up joint".
This was the TARGET store.


Bear in mind that this woman, although very beautiful, was not at
all the type of woman I would ever see myself approaching or imagine
myself with.  And consider that it took virtually no direct effort
to impress her.

What appeared to "impress her" was the sincerity and confidence
portrayed in simply wanting to talk to her.

THAT'S IT.

There is no doubt that this woman perceived my approach as being
related to her being a woman and me being a man.  Although I was
not even close to who the "media" would match her up with, the
combination of facility, confidence and a low-pressure approach
WORKED WONDERS.

From that day, I made sure that my "accidental discovery" became
firmly embedded into my conscience.  After that, talking to any
woman I want to--anywhere--has been all about considering her
someone I already know, and affording her the simple respect that
goes along with it.

No woman has ever been a stranger ever since.

Guys:  If you have any trepidation at all when it comes to meeting
a woman you find attractive, learn from this lesson and I assure
you your life will be radically transformed.  You have the ability
to meet any woman you choose to.  Make it so.
 

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