[X&Y] It's Not You. It's Her.

Published: Sun, 12/29/24

Updated: Mon, 12/30/24



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IN THIS EDITION: Approaching women is
challenging. For women, being approached
can be equally challenging.

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IT'S NOT YOU. IT'S HER.


Scot,

Just encountered the following scenario. Didn't have a plan in
hand so I skipped it. As follows:

Went to the corner coffee shop for lunch, it was mostly empty at 3
pm. In the back of the shop an attractive woman was sitting alone
at a small table working on her laptop.

She looked very stern, preoccupied.

It looked like a tough challenge so I sat down at a different table
and went about my lunch.

What is the correct approach when someone doesn't appear to
want to be approached?

Maybe the best approach is to catch her later.

Thanks,

Rich (Chicago, IL)



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Hello Rich, and thanks for writing.

Let me tell you, coaching both men and women can get very
interesting.

I'm amazed by how useful the coaching we give men is for women to
overhear, and vice-versa.

And indeed, the number one question we get from women without
a man in their life at the moment is, "Why won't guys talk to me?"

Assuming there's no easy explanation based on mental health,
hygiene and/or congenital resemblance to a Wookiee, the answer is
almost always because women simply don't make themselves
approachable.

Stern expressions. Cold demeanors. Always too busy (or flat-out
oblivious) to potentially realize someone else may want to strike
up a conversation.

Sure, some of these women have boyfriends, are married or simply
are not interested in being approached for whatever reason. Yet
others have no idea they're broadcasting a non-verbal (but crystal
clear) message to "stay away".

Similarly, some women act completely cold on first dates so as not
to appear "needy" or "slutty", and then wonder why guys never
invite them on second dates.

Certainly by now you know that I'm a consistent proponent of
"manning up" and talking to whichever woman you'd like, whenever
you'd like

Your manhood is not on the line every time you make a well-formed
attempt to speak to a woman you've never met. It's not a contest,
it's a conversation.

And for certain, it's important for guys to take leadership on dates.

But each of us is far from perfect...and farther at some times than
others, unfortunately.

Even so, it's all too easy for a guy--or a woman, when the shoe is
on the other foot--to assume he or she has messed up every time
things don't go according to what's envisioned.

But that's not a reasonable assumption. Sometimes the person
you'd like to meet could use to work on his or her social skills.

So the important takeaway is what you encountered today was
her problem, not yours.

That's important to understand.

If a woman doesn't seem approachable and/or even friendly,
why should anyone even care to "bother" her? Right?

I mean, stern, preoccupied people suck, huh? Conversation
involves two people. Otherwise, it's just a "versation".

If you really were hell-bent on talking to her, my approach would
have been to call her out directly on how she's coming across,
preferably with a wry smile.

Example: "You know, I'm wondering if under that laser-focused
exterior there is someone who's actually friendlier than she
looks."

Or, "Oh come on...life can't be THAT frustrating, can it?"

No tricks, games, or tactics. Just calling out the facts with a
side order of warm humor.

Should she immediately smile and "loosen up", then you'll have
a nice chance to meet a woman who may very well have no
idea why men are so "intimidated" by talking to her.

In such case you'll set yourself apart from the masses of
"everymen" straightaway, and she'll have no choice but to be
a bit intrigued.

If she bites your head off, you simply cannot take it personally.

If she is rude or unfriendly toward a warm, confident person who is
being appropriately outgoing, it's her problem.

Remember "TGR-R" (The Golden Rule--Reversed), as I often talk
about. Would you ever treat someone the way she's treating you?
If the answer is "never in a million years", then you deserve better.

In that case, yes, catch her later...much.
 

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