[X&Y] 6 Ways To Move From E-Mail To The First Meeting

Published: Tue, 01/14/25

Updated: Tue, 01/14/25


Getting your first e-mail to a woman answered is tricky enough. But how do you keep the positive momentum going when she DOES write you back?

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IN THIS EDITION: Getting your first e-mail to a woman answered is
tricky enough. But how do you keep the positive momentum going when
she DOES write you back?

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6 WAYS TO MOVE FROM E-MAIL TO THE FIRST MEETING


READER QUESTION:


Hey Scot,
 
I'll send you the last email I sent to this girl I met online.  Not
sure, what to make of it.  I've invited her to meet several times
now, and she keeps postponing.  She says she doesn't want to rush
into anything because she has been "burned before through Match".

Some things I noticed on my own, is that I repeated myself on the
"give destiny a little shove".  I wrote the email in a hurry and that is
what happened.
 
I really appreciate this,
 
Bart  (Pharr, TX)



-----Original Message-----
From: [withheld]@aol.com
To: [withheld]@aol.com  [Ed note:  I didn't realize there were two
people left on AOL?]


Subject: Please read ASAP....let me know.
 

So, guess what, I just finished purchasing 4 out of the last 5
tickets available to the "Thingy".  Not sure if we are meant to
meet or not, you may need to give destiny a little shove.
 
There is one final ticket left for the event.  I want to reiterate
that I was hoping we could meet prior to this, but now that this
might be the first time we meet, I think about it and it should
actually be rather fun. 
 
I am not sure if you will be able to read all of the info so I will
summarize it for you:
 
Its a wine taster for the 4th annual [UNNAMED] Festival.
Its at the [WITHHELD] Cafe in Pharr from 6-9 on Friday,
and my friends from [INSERT BAND NAME HERE] will be performing.
 
I encourage you to call the [WITHHELD] Cafe (Please don't ask for
tickets to the "Thingy"), if anything so you can verify that I am
not lying and there truly is one final ticket left, their number is
[555-1212].
 
By the way I wouldn't mind buying it for you (My house is walking
distance from them), if you decide on making it and the ticket is
still available.
 
I was thinking about it and there might be a good chance of
actually getting to know each other, if I am not mistaken they are
also going to have an outside market that day.  I want to ask what
class you are taking in person (I'm going to wait for the answer).
 
Hope you can make it, summon up the courage and give destiny a
little shove.
 
~Bart



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OK, Bart:

Thanks for writing.

First off, fair warning--there's a lot of "tough love" in what follows.

But I really think this is an excellent chance for you to get a good
solid opportunity to see exactly how neediness and self-
consciousness tend to work against you in a real-world setting. 

Based on the example you've sent me, I can actually deconstruct on
a step-by-step basis exactly how such an e-mail decreases
attraction rather than amplifying it, and why it does. 

My sincere trust is that this level of objectivity will contribute to a
major breakthrough for you, because I'd love nothing more than
to see you experience the wild dating success I know you have
coming to you.
 
So let's dive right in.

She's putting off meeting you for a simple reason:  She's not
attracted to you enough yet to be excited about taking the time to
meet you.
 
First of all, there's no way a woman signs up for Match.com and
starts telling every guy that she wants to take it slow because
she's been "burned before" on the site.  That excuse is as easy
as falling out of bed.

And if it's true that she really is there to waste time like that, then
you want no part of it anyway.  What IS she doing there if she
isn't actually going to meet people?

Simply having to ask the question might portend deeper issues
on her side.  Generally speaking, women who are confident they
won't disappoint you are all about meeting as quickly as possible.

But I don't think that's what's going on here.  Something else has
caused everything to go awry.

For starters, you have chased majorly in this e-mail, and that
comes off as a bit too pushy and desperate. 
 
The offer to buy her ticket for her "IF she decides on making it"
inherently indicates that you are used to having to cajole people
into hanging out with you, while also implying that you actually
expect disappointment.
 
You mention "giving destiny a shove" twice, which I understand was
an editorial oversight.  But that's a desperate, needy request even
if uttered only once.

The insecurity about even knowing if you two are meant to meet is
clearly admitted in the first line where the phrase appears. 
 
When the theme of "giving destiny a shove" is reprised in the final
line, there's even a somewhat insulting charge attached that she
lacks courage herself. 

Projecting weakness onto someone else, though subtle in this case,
is amplified by the frequent indication of your own confidence
issues. 

This may seem an esoteric concept at face value, but put the shoe
on the other foot for a second.  Think through the steps involved as
if penned in an e-mail to you and you'll be able to feel the emotion
I'm describing. 

It's almost as if you're hoping she has the same issues you do lest
you be overshadowed by HER personal strength.

And indeed, this message is replete with earmarks of insecurity
throughout.  All 13 of the following were lifted from the one example
e-mail you provided:
 


"Not sure if"

"I want to reiterate"

"I was hoping"

"we could"

"this might be"

"it should actually be rather fun"

"I am not sure if"

"if anything so you can verify that I am not lying"

"I wouldn't mind buying it for you"

"if you decide on making it"

"there might be a good chance of actually getting to know each
other"

"if I am not mistaken"

"Hope you can make it"

 

There are yet a few other phrases in your e-mail that could be
argued as more subtle indicators, starting with the subject line
itself.  But you get the point.
 
Although all of those phrases should disappear from future mailings
(and from your interactions with women in general), the real
clincher was encouraging her to keep tabs on you to make sure you
weren't lying. 

Why invite that level of disrespect, especially if you believe in your
own attractiveness to women?
 
I'm not sure where use of the word "thingy" came from, but even if
SHE came up with this impromptu moniker for your proposed get
together, it's not a very masculine thing(y) to write into an e-mail. 

It would take a unique masculine personality to pull off using such
a word, and even if you are that guy she doesn't know you well
enough for that yet.

Meanwhile, if she IS calling your potential meeting a "thingy" then
that means she's so mildly interested she has made no effort to even
remember what exactly you've planned.
 
So let's skip to the most important part.  How can you improve in
the future?
 
Pragmatically speaking, here are six steps you can take right now
to project more confidence and leadership into your e-mails to
women, leading to more first meetings. 

For what it's worth, this all applies equally to live conversations,
especially when making the initial approach:


 
1)  Eliminate all "doubt". 


Replace it with assumptions of acceptance until proven otherwise. 

Examples could include, "I trust" in lieu of "I hope" (that's a
real good one), "This is a great opportunity" instead of "There
might be a good chance", "I believe I'm correct in saying" instead
of "If I am not mistaken" (note the clear affirmative there as
opposed to hoping to avoid the negative), "Looking forward to
meeting you there" as opposed to "Hope you can make it". 

The examples I give sound a bit too formal in the context, but you
can convey the same attitude in a more casual tone.  Whatever's
congruent with your true personality.
 
However worded, be sure of the quality of your plans, and be
confident about the outcome of your live introduction to each
other.



2)  Remember that by "assumptions of acceptance until proven
otherwise" I'm essentially describing a balance between spineless
wishy-washiness and a "hard sell tactic". 


If you tell her you need to know "ASAP" and talk about "giving
destiny a shove" at all, it's as if your impatience is driven by
the distinct possibility in your estimation that she'll change her
mind if left to think about it all long enough.  In those cases the
balance has swung the other way toward the "hard sell". 

Both extremes signal lack of confidence, but when you get the
balance right instead the result is just right.



3)  No 'reiteration'. 


I realize this a mistake in the case of the 'giving destiny a shove
line', but you've got to ride herd on that. 

But as a bonus, you've uncovered yet another great reason (among
many) to keep e-mails to women you've never met brief.

Talking in circles telegraphs that you are used to being ignored, and
therefore have fallen into the habit of feeling the need to repeat
things several times just to get your message across. 

Leaders are used to people hanging on their every word, and therefore
hardly ever have to make a point twice, unless for dramatic or didactic
emphasis, usually in the context of a formal setting.  
 
By the way, this goes for announcing that you're repeating yourself
(e.g. "I want to reiterate", "Once again, I want to tell you", "In
case you forgot", etc.) or for when you simply say something more
than once (e.g "give destiny a shove").
 


4)  Never assume someone is thinking negative thoughts about
you. 


Such is the habit of those who think negatively about themselves.

If you make a statement, assume it will be accepted as factual
based on your demonstrated level of character. 

If you tell someone you'll do something, assume they believe it
shall be done. 

Do you think perhaps it's too soon for you to have effectively
demonstrated your level of character to her?  What I've just
suggested is how you build that track record from minute one. 

If you are used to being taken at your word, it will come through
in your attitude. This is like magic, but a very real phenomenon.
It's all part of inspiring confidence.



5)  Proofread, or be sorry.


It's always important to actually read through any e-mail you send
a woman prior to firing it off to her.  There's still no "unsend" button
in most e-mail clients, at least last I checked.

Not only do you limit typos and dreaded reiterations, you actually
get a chance to reflect a bit on how the message actually sounds.

Believe me, I almost invariably end up changing at least one thing
even when I proofread my own newsletters.

Obviously, the shorter the e-mail you send to a woman the easier
this part is, so chalk up yet another point for keeping messages
brief.



6)  Finally, don't be afraid to take the entire interaction less
seriously.


Have some fun, inject some humor.  If she calls the event a
"thingy", you may poke some fun by over-dramatizing the event as
an intense, cataclysmic all-important World Summit of International
Wine Tasting just to highlight the irony of it all.



Importantly, all of this is moot if you don't actually have the
confidence you need to dominate your metro area on the online
dating site of your choice.

You can't "fake it 'til you make it". It just doesn't work.

That's exactly why Online Dating Domination 3.0 isn't about
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Think about this for a second.  Even if you get a response to a
first e-mail, are you going to be left asking, "What do I do next?"

By now you know that I'm all about eliminating the "What Do I Do
Next Syndrome" forever.  Frankly, experiencing it is the worst.
It's like leading the Indy 500 only to blow out a tire on the last
lap.

If you've ever been ultra-excited to get an email from one of your
favorite women online only to have her disappear off the map for
no apparent reason, you can relate to what I'm saying.

Maybe you've even been in Bart's position.  Everything seems to
be going swimmingly for an e-mail or so, but then you feel like
you're being strung along.

However the problem rears its ugly head, having no idea WHY it
happened makes the matter even more frustrating.

Raise your hand with me if you know what I'm talking about.

Fortunately, you absolutely can overcome what over 90% of all
guys who try online dating cannot.  You can write e-mails that
capture women's imagination and convey all the right messages
about who you are and what you're about.

Best of all, it takes far less time than you'd ever guess to get it
right.

If you aren't there to succeed at online dating, then why are you
online at all?  You've invested the time, effort and emotion.  Now
it's time to reap the benefits, and you're closer to a breakthrough
than you might think.

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And I'll talk to you again soon.
 

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