[X&Y] When To Go Exclusive And When Not To
Published: Mon, 12/08/25
Updated: Mon, 12/08/25
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IN THIS EDITION: Some fear exclusive
relationships and avoid them like the
plague. Others tend to jump into one
with the first person who shows interest.
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WHEN TO GO EXCLUSIVE AND WHEN NOT TO
It is my sincere hope that by now you are making your own decisions
when it comes to either dating multiple women at once OR selecting a
steady girlfriend.
Whichever way you conduct your dating life is your business.
Almost every day, however, I hear from guys who want to date lots
of women, but have found themselves in a steady relationship they
never really asked for explicitly.
Or, I hear from guys with the opposite problem. They really want a
great girlfriend and someone to build a future with, but having
focused on pickup techniques they're left with a dilemma when they
meet a woman who rocks their world like no other.
Well, today I've got your back on this issue.
Here, in simple English, are three unacceptable reasons to make a
woman your steady girlfriend, followed logically by three
outstanding reasons to go exclusive with her:
THREE UNACCEPTABLE REASONS TO GO EXCLUSIVE
1) She's the only one you're dating anyway
OK. You feel as if you don't have any other options and don't see
any on the immediate horizon. But you DO have a woman who
actually seems to like you. Why not just make her your steady
girlfriend? Seems uncomplicated enough.
And indeed, this is how things go for countless guys out there. I'd
dare say the majority.
I've written before about how if one woman is wildly attracted to
you, it almost guarantees there would be others...if you summon
the confidence to believe it.
Apart from that mindset, you are operating from a position of severely
limited personal power.
Some guys are truly at "ground zero" when it comes to attraction
and aren't yet deserving what they want. But other guys are
passively sleepwalking through life and only end up with a woman by
default, basically.
Out of happenstance, a guy may be introduced to a woman and end
up on a first date with her. Date one turns into date two, and so on
until what we're talking about here happens.
And what's next? That nagging feeling of having settled, that's
what.
2) She cajoled you more than others
You may actually have several women you are casually dating, all of
whom are interesting and interested.
But often there's that one woman who levels the ultimatum on
exclusivity a bit earlier and with decidedly more conviction than
the others.
Since she's so vocal about it, and since you kind of like her, you
capitulate.
But "capitulate" is a profane word around here. It rhymes with
"settle".
For that matter, if you look up "capitulate" in the dictionary,
it'll probably say "gave away all his power to a woman who lost all
respect for him almost immediately after he caved in to her demands".
Careful here. I'm not saying that any woman who wants an exclusive
relationship with you should be categorically denied.
I'm saying that you shouldn't kowtow to her decision to be
exclusive...especially if it's not your decision also.
3) You feel like you've got to "lock her down"
Maybe you have some options, but then The World's Hottest Woman
shows up in your life.
You have this "OMG" moment and start scrambling to make her your
steady girlfriend because... 1) She's the most ridiculously sexy
chick you've ever dated and you've got to make her yours, and... 2)
...if you don't, you're afraid some other guy will.
First of all, remember that if a high-quality woman shows up in
your life, that's to be treated as having raised the bar. It's not
to be considered a "stroke of luck".
This is kind of a logical progression to the concept that having
the ability to attract one begets the ability to attract many.
Indeed, this woman's affection is an indicator that you have earned
the ability to attract a higher echelon of women. As such, continue
the rational progression of seeing how well you two get along before
getting serious, please.
But more importantly, you are seriously damaging you own
attractiveness here by jumping all over her. Remember, getting
kills wanting--in her mind in this case--especially if you're
trying to hold onto her with a "death grip" very early on.
And most importantly, um...you can't lock another human being down,
anyway. She can still leave you, even if she's you're steady
girlfriend.
THREE OUTSTANDING REASONS TO GO EXCLUSIVE
1) You have a firm grasp of what you really want
If you haven't dated many women at all, how do you know what you
really want?
If you've dated your share of high quality women and you've had a
chance to fine-tune exactly who it is you're looking for, then you'll
be way better equipped to recognize her when she shows up in
your life.
And if you indeed find yourself in the mood to actually have an
exclusive relationship with her, it's probably because of the next
point...
2) You've left no curiosity unanswered in the dating world
Here's a truth that's about as simple as truth gets: If you're
still interested in dating lots of women, then you probably aren't
interested in choosing one of them from the mix at this point.
If you end up in a steady relationship under such circumstances,
you'll probably end up with your nose pressed against the glass
looking at greener pastures outside.
And this will be the case no matter how great your girlfriend is.
After all, you weren't in the relationship state of mind just yet.
On the other hand, what if you've been dating sixteen women at
once and have grown tired of all the juggling?
Let's say you narrow that field down to four or five. And after a
while, you realize that you've met and enjoyed the company of lots
of incredible women but are now thinking more about stability and
long-term vision than you have in the past.
It's about then that you may realize that one woman on your list is
by far your first choice. Were she available every night, you'd
see her instead of the others.
Well, that woman would be a good choice for an exclusive
relationship, I'd say. You will have selected her from many
options, and with a solid frame of mind.
3) You have tested and approved her ultimate worthiness
Even if you have a firm grasp on what runs your guns as far as
women go, and even if you have a pile of women in your life,
there's always the off chance that one's going to come along who
flat-out knocks your socks off.
The switch gets flipped and she's basically all you can think of.
Whoa there, cowboy.
You've been around the block enough to know that it takes sweet
time to qualify a woman fully. Spend loads of time with her in
common, everyday situations.
Mix it up some. Meet her friends and vice-versa. Go on that
all-important road trip to see if you can handle extended
windshield time with each other.
You've got to make sure you know that what's under the hood has the
horsepower to back the sexy bodywork. Otherwise, she's "all show
and no go".
And true character takes time to show forth in its fullness.
Take your time and decide from a position of strength. And deserve
what you want also, because a great woman like her is probably as
aware of what she wants and deserves as you are.
You'll notice that conspicuous by its absence from either list is
"because she's pregnant". That's either the subject of a whole
'nother newsletter, or something that needs to be handled on a
case-by-case basis.
But either way, guys, the one thing I do know for sure is that you
have got to be a man who makes his own informed decisions in the
dating world rather than being subject to the whim of someone else.
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