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READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS 


Hi Scot,


How about this common situation:

At the end of a first "coffee date" I decide that she's a nice
person, I had a pleasant time, but she's not for me.  Therefore, no
need for a second date.

"It's been nice, see you later", "I'll give you a call sometime" or
"It's been nice meeting you, goodbye" are not satisfactory.

"I think there's someone out there who will appreciate you more
than I will", as I've heard you talk about before, seems too heavy
for a first meeting.  

How have you gracefully handled this situation?


Thanks for everything,

Rolando (Mesa, AZ)



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Alright, Rolando.  Thanks for writing.

You bring up a brilliant question.

First of all, I couldn't agree more with your judgment calls
regarding the potential sample answers you gave.  Anytime you
lead someone down the primrose path regarding the possibility of
future interaction, you're essentially being untruthful. 

But man...it's SO easy and SO tempting to offload the
awkwardness of the moment by uttering that seemingly innocuous,
"Okay, I'll call you" or "Hey, talk to you later" when your actual
intention is actually "Option C:  None Of The Above".

Chalk that one up to our modern cultural standard of using
"throwaway" conversation essentially as a form of greeting.  (e.g.
"How are you?", "I'm fine.")

And I'd also agree that making a production of "letting someone
down easy" when you barely know each other can come off as a bit
"heavy" as you mentioned, if not even downright arrogant. 

This isn't a major breakup (or even a minor one).  Heck, it isn't
really even a date.  It's just a first meeting over coffee with a
somewhat disappointing outcome.

So what to do?  Well, first it's probably best to sort out (in your
mind rather than out loud, please) exactly why you were
disappointed by her and aren't interested in a second meetup.

I think there are essentially three different categories to cover
that.  Each has its own respective strategy for optimal handling of
the situation.



1)  Complete, Utter Misrepresentation On Her Part


When you meet someone you've been talking to online you may find
out very quickly that she has not simply been optimistic in her
self-portrayal online, she has been straight-up disingenuous. 

I say "she" here because I'm answering you personally, but the
issue is of course an equal opportunity one.

There are two schools of thought on this.  The first is to put a
halt to the interaction right away, perhaps even serving notice to
the person that she wasn't truthful in your eyes. 

Numerous online dating advisers (including Emily, by the way) agree
this is a perfectly reasonable reaction and the wise one from a
time-management perspective.  You do not owe anything to a person
who has lied to you.

I agree that's a viable option in terms of how to handle such a
situation.

But my real-world practice was typically to carry on with the
interaction--although not protracting it by any means--staying
cordial (to avoid leading her on) and treating the meeting as a
potential networking opportunity. 

My thought process was that if someone is willing to lie on an
online profile in order to get attention, then possibly her level
of self-esteem was already dragging bottom enough that a blatant
rejection would cause more human collateral damage than it would
save me time.

And I'll tell you what, I can think of at least two women who I met
on first meetings like this who turned out to be valuable business
contacts, even if not exactly my type in the attraction department.
 
Plus, I used every meeting with a woman as "practice". 

Every.  Single.  Time. 

Perhaps my personal evolution into a guy who could be easy-going
with amazingly sharp women on first dates can be credited to having
built a set of good habits on all of those "dates" where I wasn't
so attracted.

Thinking about it, that makes a lot of sense. 

It really did give me a sense of being able to relax and enjoy
interacting with MOTOS (Members Of The Other Sex) without an
agenda. 

That's a very good thing.  It tends to immunize you a bit against
freaking out when a woman walks through the door who really does it
for you. 



2)  Blatant Rudeness, Creepiness And/Or Contention


When someone's behavior becomes inappropriate, you not only
SHOULD terminate the interaction right there, you MUST.

Emily and I both advise that if a woman ever feels physically or
emotionally compromised during a first meeting she should get up
and leave, right then and there.

I personally don't even care if she does so without considering
the bill at all, even if SHE invited HIM to coffee.

And to be sure, you have that same prerogative as a man.

Let's hear it once again for not planning spendthrift first
meetings, right?



3)  She's Really "Nice", But There's Just No Chemistry Whatsoever


This, of course, is likely to be the most common scenario you face.

You get through the coffee date but there's nothing there.  In
fact, there's not even really any desire to "just be friends".

Once you have a good idea that the outcome of the meeting is going
in this direction, you can work toward winding things to a close in
the same way you would with any other conversation that is starting
to get a little lengthy for your taste. 

You can say things like, "I only have a few more minutes here" or
even flatly announce, "OK, we'll have to work towards wrapping this
up". 

You know what I mean.  Nothing rude, but definitely directed
towards the desired outcome.

This is part of the strategy for limiting potential "mixed
messages". 

You make sure not to send "buying signals" in any way, let alone
say or do anything that would be perceived as flirtation.

Perhaps ironically, when your point is to limit how attracted a
woman is to you, the best way to do that is to present yourself as
completely neuter (i.e. the exact opposite of being masculine as
women define it, which is what makes women wildly hot for you.)

It's also oddly ironic how well women who we are not attracted to
tend to respond so positively to our unintentional (or purely
self-serving) minor flirts.

It all sort of validates the whole "indifference" strategy,
doesn't it?

If you've led the interaction in the way prescribed, then MOST
women are intuitive enough to pick up on the fact that things are
going nowhere...and--news flash--they'll likely agree. 

I say MOST. 

There is the offhand chance that she'll somehow be bubbling over
with excitement about the meeting you just shared and miss your
signals entirely.

At that point, avoiding physical touch (including handshakes), you
simply tell her that you appreciate her making the time for you
today and that you wish her all the best in her search.

In all actuality, that's the best way to put it regardless of
which situation I've described you find yourself in.

If it's a well-lit daytime gig, part ways at the door to wherever
you met, if not letting her leave the table first while you excuse
yourself to the men's room. 

It's really a bad idea to walk her to her car, unless you've been
enough of a novice to plan a first meeting at night in a questionable
neighborhood.  Then, it's your duty as a real man to make sure she
gets to her car safely.  But make it quick.  No lingering. 

The message has to be clear.  There will be no future interaction,
unless you've made a business contact from the meeting or something
as I alluded to before. 

Business-like, yet cordial.  All the way.



Now, it's important to calibrate these situations on a case-by-case
basis as I've described. 

And you've always got to be ready for an emotionally charged
reaction from her, even if you've handled a cordial parting of ways
in the most appropriate way possible.

Just remember that none of that will be your fault, so let it
roll right off your back. 

One time I had a first meeting with a woman who claimed to be in
her mid-thirties but who in real life gave every appearance of June
Carter Cash, circa 2000.  If she was a day under 55 and/or hadn't
smoked at least two packs a day for decades then I'd have been
amazed. 

Yet, I was cordial but decidedly business-like.  Nevertheless, when
it didn't end as she had hoped she basically lit into me with a
stream of powerful insults driven by a sense of deep hurt.

Of course, I didn't take any of it personally.  There's a human
being there, and even friendly rejection still disappoints.


Be Good,

Scot McKay




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