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WHAT'S INSIDE: You ask her out, but she declines the invitation. Here are the first six of a full dozen different reasons why it might have had NOTHING to do with you at all.
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WHEN REJECTION ISN'T REALLY REJECTION AT ALL (PART ONE)
Regardless of what you've heard, women would much rather you approach them than vice-versa.
If you think about it, this makes perfect sense. Part of being a man is taking leadership.
Women are attracted to a man who "goes after what he wants". Initiative and ambition are masculine traits that ignite femininity.
What's more, if "approach anxiety" is such a universal issue among men all over the world, who are we to think that women are going to "man up" and make the first move any more than we are?
So the simple fact of the matter is this: If we're going to meet women and go out with them we've GOT to get over approach anxiety.
Granted, that's hard to do because we fear rejection.
And we fear rejection because we take rejection personally.
In other words, if a woman we're attracted to isn't interested in return, we tend to automatically believe we're simply not attractive to women AT ALL.
That's never a good feeling.
In fact, the risk of being subjected to perceived rejection usually outweighs any potential reward of her actually liking us back. So we typically do nothing rather than approaching, right?
But wait a minute...I just said "perceived rejection". What's up with that?
Well, lately I've witnessed a number of situations first-hand that have galvanized my belief that in a shocking number of instances when "rejection" happens it has nothing to do with us.
Yet, because we usually have no way of knowing what's really going on inside a woman's head when she turns us down, we believe--by default--that we're inadequate in some way.
Now granted, if you are pushy, weird, creepy or smell bad you've got some work to do.
But most of us are somewhere between "normal" and "hyper amazing", so why would women refuse dates with us?
In the name of helping get rid of "approach anxiety" forever, here are the first six of a whopping DOZEN reasons why women turn us down--all of which have ZERO to do with personal rejection.
In other words, in each of the cases I'm about to share you could have been anybody--no matter how incredible--and you still would have had the same outcome: the undesired one.
I've broken down the "dirty dozen" rejection look-alikes into two subsets: The "political" and the "emotional". In other words, stuff that's external to the woman's feelings and factors that are internal to who she is at her core.
This time we'll deal with the "political" side. Here goes...
1) She Really Does "Have A Boyfriend"
I've written before about how to deal with the dreaded "I have a boyfriend" excuse.
But sometimes it's not really an "excuse". It's for real. And if she's in a solid, healthy relationship with some other guy she's not going to cheat on him to go out with you.
And that's okay. After all, were she so bereft of character you'd be next in line to get cheated on.
Nonetheless, all of this doesn't preclude her from saying to herself, "Yeah, but if I DIDN'T have a boyfriend, I would have been all over that guy." Just don't plan on her admitting it to you.
2) The Pen And The Company Ink
No matter what your beliefs are about dating co-workers, hers may be dramatically different. You've got to recognize that and respect it.
I think that's easy enough for most of us to understand when we're talking about women we work along side of every day.
It's the grey areas, however, that tend to cross us up.
For instance, she works in a different office. She is a vendor representative rather than a co-worker, per se. She may even work for a company that is a B2B customer of yours.
In such cases YOU may think it's "open season". But HER perspective on things may be VERY different, and her potential on-the-job exposure to a relationship gone wrong far greater than yours.
3) Her Friend Likes You
What a bummer this is, right? She may actually like you, but because her friend mumbled something about having the hots for you she doesn't feel right about accepting your invitation to go out.
Great. This is the quintessential "political rejection" situation, isn't it?
The worst part of all is that she'll never rat out her friend's secret crush on you, and the friend is unlikely to tell you herself either...because, of course, the friend is probably waiting for YOU to ask HER out for all the reasons mentioned at the beginning.
Because you don't exactly find the friend attractive, that's never going to happen.
But it's never going to happen with the woman you actually wanted to go out with either...at least not until the friend moves out of town, gets whacked by the mob and/or gets into a massive tiff with her erstwhile BFF.
And so revolves the world.
4) Botched Introduction
Sometimes it may seem like a great idea to get a mutual friend to introduce you to a woman you have your eye on.
Just make sure your friend is really someone whose opinion she respects.
Otherwise, you could be "rejected" by proxy...with no chance of making a high-quality first impression.
I realize this sounds flat-out ridiculous, but for some reason women really take all of this into serious consideration.
Similarly, even if you introduce yourself directly bad timing can kill the moment. If another friend walks up at the same exact time you do, or anything else awkward like that, your mojo can get crushed.
Perhaps you even KNOW the situation is unfavorable when you see a woman you'd like to meet, but it's the only chance you're going to get so it's better than nothing.
In any of these situations, had someone else introduced you to her--or had you approached her under different circumstances--things may have turned out very differently.
5) You Remind Her Of Someone Else
Admit it. There has been at least one perfectly attractive woman out there who you wanted NONE OF.
Most red-blooded dudes would have pawned their grandmother to get a date with her, but not you.
Why? Well, she was too much like your little sister or ex-girlfriend, that's why. Or of that mean first grade teacher who sent you to the principal's office. Or of someone even worse...a GUY.
One time I met one of the hottest redheads ever on Match.com. And when I first saw her in person I felt like I had hit the jackpot.
But as the date progressed I found myself getting more and more turned off by her...inexplicably.
It took me two days to finally figure out that she reminded me of my roommate from college. She pretty much looked like she could have been his female twin sister. Ouch.
Everyone has experienced this at some point, I'd guess. And when the tables are turned it can be as frustrating as it gets, can't it?
6) You Weren't Even Noticed
If you're doing online dating at all (which you should be), this one is for you.
I remain nonplussed by all the guys coming to me who have been e-mailing women whose profiles flatly state "not active for over three weeks"...and who feel "rejected".
Guess what? She can't really "reject" you if she's not even there, can she?
Of course not.
And if you're still writing "Hi" or "Hello" in your subject line to women who are getting 50-100 e-mails per day, here's more news for you: If your e-mail never even got READ, then you weren't really "rejected" either, were you?
Of course not.
Even though we're only halfway through the list, you can already see how many convoluted ways there are for dates NOT to happen with women.
And in all six examples I've given you thus far, who you are isn't a factor at all.
Hopefully, knowing that your inherent worth to all women on the face of the Earth isn't really at play when approaching women is empowering to you...as well it should be.
Next time we'll cover the other six situations when "rejection" isn't really "rejection" at all. And my guess is that we've all experienced at least a few of the remaining items on the list, perhaps without ever even realizing it.
So get ready to have a huge burden lifted off your shoulders.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
X & Y Communications
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