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IN THIS EDITION: You have your eye on a certain woman, but her best friend likes you so she won't go out with you. Now what?
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LETTER FROM A READER
Hi Scot!
Man, I have to thank you for helping us guys get better with women. I know you've heard this a lot, but I'll just say it again: your way of handling things in this dating business is unique and authentic.
I've been reading your newsletters for a while now, and wanted to get your expert opinion on something I haven't seen handled before.
The thing is, many of us as guys love the idea of having a "High Quality Problem" in which women fall for us left, right and center...
However, I've been in a situation in which a woman liked me, but I did not like her back. And the kicker here is that I would like one of her friends, but it would seem that they were not interested in pursuing things further, which I attributed to loyalty...
What is your take on that?
Ben (Kenya)
P.S: Yes, your message has traveled far indeed, and inspired a young man to deserve what he wants!
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Hello Ben:
Thanks for the kind words. We've actually visited your beautiful and fascinating country, and fell in love with it to the point that we are tempted to move there. Kenya is simply magnificent, and the people are a big part of why that is.
But for now, let's get down to business. You've asked a great question, and it's one that affects lots of guys.
It's kind of like Murphy's Law, isn't it? You have a woman who has obviously fallen for you, but you just aren't attracted to her in return.
And wouldn't you know it, her "BFF" is the one you'd really like to be with.
I've got to tell you, this is going to be tricky to handle no matter how you slice it.
But there are at least TWO strategies you can use, assuming for the purpose at hand that the woman you like would be attracted to you if it weren't for her friend.
Which way you go will depend squarely on ONE factor: How potentially attractive the woman you're NOT into is to guys OTHER than yourself.
Fortunately, women tend to hang out with women who are of similar attractiveness (at least generally speaking) to themselves.
This is the natural order of things, and if you've ever witnessed how "catty" women can be about each other's looks then you know everything you need to know about why this is the case.
Women are seriously relentless in this regard--much tougher judges of each other than even we tend to be as their sexual polar opposites.
Go figure.
So yes--the hotties tend to flock together. Of course, that doesn't mean every said hottie in a particular clique of girls will by your type.
You'll probably favor one more than the others.
A-ha...but see? That's the beauty of it. Your favorite girl's friend who you aren't so into may be some other guy's dream woman.
And thereby you have the potential cure of what ails you. You help find the BFF a boyfriend...as in, someone else.
Do what you've got to do. Poll your friends and see who's interested. Even conspire with the woman you actually like to get her the heck off the market.
See the magic in that? Once she's got another guy to focus her attention on--and she's officially "taken"--then any business she has with YOU is officially off the table.
How could she possibly fault either you or her BFF for sparking a flame together at that point, right? Beautiful.
"Voila", as the French would say. Or "Viola", as one of my friends who's a notoriously bad speller would say.
Notably, it's up to you to remain a "big four" man who emanates masculinity all the while. Be that guy in the presence of all women you interact with.
Remember always, you gain nothing by "dumbing down" your attractiveness. So making some weird effort to be less attractive to the woman you aren't interested will likely backfire.
It's not your fault if women you're not interested in become interested in you. Keep your eye on the ball, not doing anything to compromise potential success with the woman you're really after.
Great...so you've got that covered. But what if the woman you like's friend is decidedly unattractive to most men?
Fortunately, that's far less likely to be the case in real life than it is in, say, old re-runs of "The Fresh Prince Of BelAir".
But let's cover the bases here, nonetheless.
My first hint is not to be so sure of yourself about what other guys may think of her. You may be shocked by how markedly some guys' taste may differ from yours.
But notwithstanding that, let's assume that the woman who likes you just doesn't take very good care of herself, isn't so concerned about having a pleasant personality, etc.
What then?
Look, my gut feeling is that the two of them know the score. The less attractive BFF is well acquainted with the fact that the more attractive BFF generally gets a lot more male attention than she does.
So this is probably not the first time the situation at hand has presented itself. The question then becomes, what "agreement", for lack of a better word, do the two friends have?
It's got to be a strain on their relationship either way, but does the more attractive woman forego dating everyone that her friend is potentially interested in, or has the less attractive friend resigned herself to that happening more often than not?
If the latter, does she simply deal with it without getting all mad at her friend?
I realize this sounds harsh, but I'm being pragmatic here.
The possibility clearly exists that the best course of action would be to broach the subject with the woman you really like. Go ahead and tell her that you'd rather spend time with her sometime, but you don't want to hurt her friend's feelings.
That does two key tactical things for you.
First of all, it demonstrates to the woman you favor that you're not insensitive and selfish.
Yet in the face of that, you've manned up and told her what your intentions are. Score a few points for you in the attraction department.
Second--and this is freaking sweet--it offloads the "politics" onto her so you don't even have to deal with it. Let her work it out with her friend.
The caveat here, of course, is that the woman you like may simply tell you point-blank that she's not going to go out with you because she wouldn't hurt her friend's feelings, etc., etc., etc.
It sounds like that's exactly what's going on in your case.
It's at that point that you enlist her help in trying to find her friend a different guy to hang out with anyway, even if it is going to be potentially more time-consuming.
OR...then again, you could transfer your attention to another woman who's friendships aren't so fraught with complications. In other words, give yourself options.
Now there's an idea.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
X & Y Communications
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