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WHAT'S INSIDE: As promised, here are some objective examples of the type of ill-advised lessons that people who have failed in their male/female relationships would like to impose on us. Be on your guard.
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CLEAR THAT FINAL HURDLE
For many men, there's ONE specific challenge with women that seems to be their most consistent source of frustration.
Man, I know I've been there.
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More success with more women...
...or with the RIGHT one.
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TOP 10 WAYS MISERABLE PEOPLE GIVE BAD DATING ADVICE
Yesterday I wrote to you about the pitfalls of taking dating advice from people who haven't exactly succeeded in their own male/female relationships.
Well, as promised I've got a "top ten" list of examples of the kind of negative advice you may have received in the past from "poverty" types.
Remember, this sort of admonition can be delivered with a smile. At times, someone may actually even think he or she is giving good advice, having grown so accustomed to the comfort of not having to succeed.
So in the end, you and only you can be counted on to have the wisdom to see which mindset someone is coming from.
Here are the first five. The second half is coming tomorrow.
1) "You're too picky. Nobody is ever going to meet those standards of yours!"
Considering the emotional, material and lifestyle costs of divorce, I would counter this sort of talk with, "Are you out of your freakin' MIND?!?"
If you aren't going to be highly selective with regard to whom you are spending the majority of the rest of your life with, then you are setting yourself up for a world of pain.
Believe it. You MUST not settle. Ever.
Rather, do the work of becoming a man or woman who deserves what you want, which we have talked about repeatedly around here.
Know what traits you require in a mate, and make sure you do your share of the "heavy lifting" to ensure you are equally as valuable a partner to the person who ultimately is your future mate.
Absolutely do what it takes.
Now if you're saying if a person isn't a fan of, say, Jack Johnson's last album then "don't bother", then that's probably being esoteric. You understand the difference there.
2) "All members of the opposite gender are evil / liars / generally bad / screwed in the head. You might as well get used to it."
Yeah well, there are a lot of messed up people out there. And there are also a lot of people who are not messed up.
Assuming all in your life is framed positively, you must learn how to spot signs of bad habits or lifestyle choices that will potentially doom a relationship.
Then, you must make a conscious decision to end a questionable relationship while it's still relatively easy--i.e. before falling in love with such a dangerous person.
From there you go about finding someone who isn't quite as broken.
3) "Don't ever change. Someone will come along who loves you exactly the way you are."
Did you ever notice that most people who go down the "self help" trail fail?
Why? My belief is that in this culture there is a strong pressure to "be yourself", and being "fake" is frowned upon.
The hard truth is that while one is making changes to improve one's life, those changes are going to have to be intentional behaviors--and therefore not truly part of "being oneself" until they become habit.
So yes, this process is uncomfortable. But when you think about it, shouldn't your very best version of yourself be your true self, even if you haven't yet arrived at the destination?
Read between the lines, and the whole "just be yourself" thing comes from a poverty mentality.
If you want the best out of your life and in turn from a mate, you must deserve what you want.
This means, in no uncertain terms, you must do your part in making sure the type of person you want to be in a relationship with reciprocates those feelings.
Tell me, does this not make perfect sense to you despite all the chatter to the contrary?
4) "Stop trying so hard. Love comes around when you least expect it."
Subscribe to this kind of thinking at work, in parenting your kids, and/or in any other life situation that matters and see what happens.
If you want to succeed in your career you must get training and/or education, you must show up, and you must put forth tremendous effort. If you want your kids to turn out to be great adults, you must actively parent them.
Nothing worth having is accomplished by putting less effort toward it. What we are talking about here is no exception. You must actively pursue the kind of relationship you want.
5) "Perfect relationships don't exist. Just be thankful that you have someone. Plenty of people have nobody!"
Way too many people stay in bad relationships for fear of not being able to find someone else after the breakup. This is a poverty mindset.
If high-quality relationships characterized by love, mutual respect, a close bond, integrity, trust, amazing sex, and big fun did not exist, then why would our hearts yearn for one?
You were created to enjoy a powerfully effective relationship with a special person--and you yourself were created to be that special person for someone else.
Don't confuse this with "sappiness" on my part. This is meant to be "tough love" for many of you.
I'm sure you've heard some of those before, and now you know exactly where to file them: in the garbage.
But guess what? I've saved what are arguably the five biggest "whoppers" for next time. Don't touch that dial.
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