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IN THIS EDITION: Are you willing to sacrifice your very dignity for the companionship of women?
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SHE TREATS HIM LIKE A DOORMAT
Hi Scot,
I was looking for your advice on my current situation.
I have a roommate who has lived with me for 1 1/2 years. When she moved in we got along great and she even told me she loved me.
But the love never has translated into a relationship in a romantic sense. Lately she has become very dominant...to the point where she was telling me when to go to bed.
I'm a patient guy but I could only take so much and the last time she got an attitude with me I a blew up at her and told her to stop it.
This ended up in an argument that lasted for a long time.
Most of the arguing was on her side after I said what I had to say and quit arguing.
After a few days we went and talked to a mutual friend of both of us. We both agreed we were wrong about certain things and said we would wipe the slate clean.
Prior to the meeting she said she was going to look for a place to move to. She has told me she is moving out at the end of the month.
I re-apologized for some of the things I said the other evening and she said the slate was clean and that me apologizing was like pouring salt in the wound.
She acts nice to me now but still plans on moving out the end of the month.
I sent flowers to her work to try to create an atmosphere that could help create a real relationship. She liked the flowers and all the attention she got from the other girls in the office.
Also in our conversation with our mutual friend she said that I had never asked her out.
Many times in the past 3 years we have went out but I didn't say, "Do you want to go out with me?" or something like that. So she said we were just hanging out not dating.
I have given her a few small gifts in the past 2 weeks. 2 days ago I gave her a pearl necklace.
She opened the box and said we have to talk.
She said, "We have hung out a lot in the past 3 years and I look at you as a friend." This is after she said I never asked her out?
I really don't want her to move out but don't know how to get her to want to be in a relationship with me.
If she moves out it will be a financial struggle for her and on top of that she doesn't have a car. So I was helping her out a lot with rides to work, etc. and letting her stay with me no charge.
It looks like she still has hurt feelings from all that has happened in the past even though she says the slate is clean, otherwise she probably wouldn't want to move under the circumstances.
Any idea on how to strengthen the relationship and keep her with me in 2 weeks?
Thanks,
Brett (Opa-locka, FL)
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OK Brett, I've got some tough love for you, but before we even get started, rest assured that I only want the best results for you.
That said, here it is: Notwithstanding operational semantics, there is no "relationship".
Not only are you not this woman's boyfriend, I doubt you're really even her friend.
It's time to wake up here. You are literally paying her way in life, and she doesn't offer you anything in return other than, what...gracing you with her "glorious presence"?
This is the classic end-game representation of manipulation. She's got you "all in" at this point.
You give and give some more, while she ends up completely in charge.
Yet YOU are the one feeling a guilt trip.
Think of it this way. You are giving away everything to her, yet you are concerned about what happens if she leaves?
She doesn't have a car. She doesn't have a job. YET...she orders you around and even tells you when to go to bed?
What, is that her job, and one that you sign the paychecks for, no less?
You have an employee, not a girlfriend, Brett. And my firm opinion is that she is in need of a change in career path.
What is going on here doesn't even qualify you as the "sexless boyfriend".
But let's put all of these important factors aside for a brief moment.
On top of all else, your dating life has been literally hamstrung for the past year and a half. There are at least two reasons for this.
First, there's the simple fact that no woman whom you could potentially have had a real relationship with during that time would have been okay with the fact that you...uh...have one roommate--and she's female.
Second, any hope of a real dating life has been squashed like a bug because she has trained you to be subservient.
There is no option for you right now but to break free of this.
She is doing you a favor by leaving. It may be difficult to see that right now, but keep reading these newsletters and listening to the podcasts and you'll be crystal clear in no time.
To be completely honest, I would have been much happier to read that you finally had seen the light and were kicking her out...even if you told me you felt a twinge of (unnecessary) guilt over it.
Even that would have been understandable.
But the fact that this is actually allowed to be her own decision...and that you are even now attempting to buy her attraction with flowers and expensive gifts practically cajoles my lunch to the surface.
By the way, of course she is telling you she liked the flowers. Of course she likes how her co-workers reacted. That changes nothing in the attraction department.
Oh wait...maybe it does. It makes things even bleaker for you.
That's why you got a "talk" after giving her the necklace. That talk wasn't simply a "Just Be Friends Talk", it was the "Post Just Be Friends Talk".
That's the sit-down you get that goes something like this: "Look, didn't we go over this before? You're supposed to remain harmless, remember? Fine, then. Now you stay in line from now on, okay? If you don't, I'll stop giving you any attention whatsoever."
The bottom line is that women do not feel attraction for men they cannot respect. Mark that.
There never was anything romantic going on here, and there never will be.
Your flowers and pearl necklaces only served to dig your pit even deeper.
You have built an irreconcilable position as a powerless beggar here, and that never works with women.
And if she mentioned that you "haven't asked her out" to someone else, that was meant as a flimsy shield against the bright light that would shine on her manipulative nature were anyone to really know the fullness of what goes on (or doesn't?) between you two.
As long as she has your timid nature in check, she can make that excuse all day long. But rest assured, she knows exactly where you stand.
Do us all proud, Brett and tell this user/manipulator not to let the door hit her on the way out. She has no feelings for you.
She's not an infallible "goddess" because she's female and you're attracted to her. Similarly, not everything is your fault simply because you're male.
Put "TGR-R" (The Golden Rule, Reversed) to the test here. Would you ever in a million years sponge off of some girl you knew was hot for you if you weren't attracted to her...leading her on just to keep the provisions flowing?
Of course you wouldn't. You fully realize you'd be a bad person if you did.
So don't put up with that sort of thing from anyone else.
Man up instead and deserve a great woman from this day forward.
It can happen for you sooner than you think with some simple changes in habits and in the decisions you make.
For example, change the habit of being passive with your generous spirit and make the decision NOT to be anyone's doormat. Great women of character will love you for it, as ironic as that sounds to you right now.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
X & Y Communications
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