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IN THIS EDITION: You're meeting a new woman for the first time. You're all psyched...until she shows up.
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READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS
Hi Scot,
How about this common situation:
At the end of a first "coffee date" I decide that she's a nice person, I had a pleasant time, but she's not for me. Therefore, no need for a second date.
"It's been nice, see you later", "I'll give you a call sometime" or "It's been nice meeting you, goodbye" are not satisfactory.
"I think there's someone out there who will appreciate you more than I will", as I've heard you talk about before, seems too heavy for a first meeting.
How have you gracefully handled this situation?
Thanks for everything,
Rolando (Mesa, AZ)
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Alright, Rolando. Thanks for writing.
You bring up a brilliant question.
First of all, I couldn't agree more with your judgment calls regarding the potential sample answers you gave. Anytime you lead someone down the primrose path regarding the possibility of future interaction, you're essentially being untruthful.
But man...it's SO easy and SO tempting to offload the awkwardness of the moment by uttering that seemingly innocuous, "Okay, I'll call you" or "Hey, talk to you later" when your actual intention is actually "Option C: None Of The Above".
Chalk that one up to our modern cultural standard of using "throwaway" conversation essentially as a form of greeting. (e.g. "How are you?", "I'm fine.")
And I'd also agree that making a production of "letting someone down easy" when you barely know each other can come off as a bit "heavy" as you mentioned, if not even downright arrogant.
This isn't a major breakup (or even a minor one). I mean, it isn't really even a date. It's just a first meeting over coffee with a somewhat disappointing outcome.
So what to do? Well, first it's probably best to sort out (in your mind rather than out loud, please) exactly why you were disappointed by her and aren't interested in a second meetup.
I think there are essentially three different categories to cover that. Each has its own respective strategy for optimal handling of the situation.
1) Complete, Utter Misrepresentation On Her Part
When you meet someone you've been talking to online you may find out very quickly that she has not simply been optimistic in her self-portrayal, she has been straight-up disingenuous.
I say "she" here because I'm answering you personally, but the issue is not gender-specific.
There are two schools of thought on this. The first is to put a halt to the interaction right away, perhaps even serving notice to the person that she wasn't truthful in your eyes.
Numerous online dating advisers (including Emily, by the way) agree this is a perfectly reasonable reaction and the wise one from a time-management perspective. You do not owe anything to a person who has lied to you.
But my real-world practice was typically to carry on with the interaction—although not protracting it by any means—staying cordial (to avoid leading her on) and treating the meeting as a potential networking opportunity.
My thought process was that if someone is willing to lie on an online profile in order to get attention, then her level of self-esteem was already dragging bottom enough that a blatant rejection would cause more human collateral damage than it would save me time.
And I'll tell you what, I can think of at least two women who I met on first meetings like this who turned out to be valuable business contacts, even if not exactly my type in the attraction department.
Plus, I used every meeting with a woman as "practice".
Every. Single. Time.
Perhaps my personal evolution into a guy who could be easy-going with amazingly sharp women on first dates can be credited to having built a set of good habits on all of those first meetings where I wasn't so attracted.
Thinking about it, that makes a lot of sense.
It really did give me a sense of being able to relax and enjoy interacting with MOTOS (Members Of The Other Sex) without an agenda.
That's a very good thing. It tends to immunize you a bit against freaking out when a woman walks through the door who really does it for you.
2) Blatant Rudeness, Creepiness And/Or Contention
When someone's behavior becomes inappropriate, you not only SHOULD terminate the interaction right there, you MUST.
Emily and I both advise that if a woman ever feels physically or emotionally compromised during a first meeting, she should get up and leave, right then and there.
I personally don't care if she does so without considering the bill at all, even if SHE invited HIM to coffee.
And to be sure, as a man you have that same prerogative.
Let's hear it once again for not planning spendthrift first meetings, right?
3) She's Really "Nice", But There's Just No Chemistry Whatsoever
This, of course, is likely to be the most common scenario you face.
You get through the coffee date but there's nothing there. In fact, there's not even really any desire to "just be friends".
Once you have a good idea that the outcome of the meeting is going in this direction, you can work toward winding things to a close in the same way you would with any other conversation that is starting to get a little lengthy for your taste.
You can say things like, "I only have a few more minutes here" or even flatly announce, "OK, we'll have to work towards wrapping this up".
You know what I mean. Nothing rude, but definitely directed towards the desired outcome.
This is part of the strategy for limiting potential mixed messages.
You make sure not to send buying signals in any way, let alone say or do anything that would be perceived as flirtation.
Not surprisingly, when your point is to limit how attracted a woman is to you, the best way to do that is to present yourself as completely neuter.
But if you've led the interaction in the way prescribed, then MOST women are intuitive enough to pick up on the fact that things are going nowhere...and they'll likely agree.
Business-like, yet cordial. All the way.
Now, it's important to calibrate these situations on a case-by-case basis as I've described.
And you've always got to be ready for an emotionally charged reaction from her, even if you've handled a cordial parting of ways in the most appropriate way possible.
Just remember that none of that will be your fault, so let it roll right off your back.
One time I had a first meeting with a woman who claimed to be in her mid-thirties but who in real life gave every appearance of June Carter Cash, circa 2000.
I was indeed cordial but decidedly business-like as prescribed.
Nevertheless, when it didn't end as she had hoped she lit into me with a stream of powerful insults driven by a sense of deep hurt.
Of course, I didn't take any of it personally. There's a human being there, and even friendly rejection still disappoints.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
X & Y Communications
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