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IN THIS EDITION: Where is the fine line between "over appreciation" and ignoring her completely?
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READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS
OK Scot:
I see some conflicting recommendations here in the world of dating advice. Is seems like your darned if you do, and darned if you don't.
A. Women like to be put on a pedestal, to feel adored.
B. NEVER put a woman on a pedestal because they'll think that they're above you and you'll lose attraction - falling into the friend zone.
And...
A. A woman needs to know that she's the only one for you.
B. Never let a woman think that you only have eyes for her. Make her think you're seeing other women.
AND...
A. Play hard to get and she'll chase you down.
B. Play hard to get and she'll think you're not interested, or she'll feel inadequate, or even be hurt and will never trust you again, sort of like cheating on her and expecting her to just forget about it.
Scot, these three things seem to be sticking points.
If I am with a woman who finds me attractive, she already knows that other women will too. I don't need to throw it in her face, right?
I personally feel that I can let a woman feel that she could be the only one for me, or that I can adore her, and let her feel that joy of being seen as wonderful and special.
And I can treat her heart and esteem with respect by not playing hard to get, because I am always ready to draw the line regarding how I allow her to treat me.
I am a man, and I am quick to put a stop to anyone who starts to cross the line, but I just don't like to hurt people for the sake of gaining control.
I don't want them to stay because they fear I'll go away, I want them to want to stay because they are happy that I want them to stay.
Maybe for the one night stand guys getting that control is fine, but to me, what the heck kind of a way to live is that?!
And if a woman needs to be treated that way, what kind of woman is SHE anyway?
I really enjoy treating women, and my friends in general, very well.
But if they do something to indicate that they see me as coming from a place of weakness, my conduct will let them know that I am not, and that they have one chance to knock it off and treat me with the respect that I give them, or I am gone.
Plus, I have found that to be honest with my feelings is a great way to see what a person is made of.
Life is all about testing limits to find and establish the true balance of a relationship.
That's OK, but when a person shows that they're looking to use me rather than testing limits with the purpose of making the relationship the best it can be, then those are the ones that I walk away from - women or friends in general.
I'll bring in playing sports as an example; when the game starts, you need to throw a few elbows here and there just to show the other team that they'd better respect you because you're there to win and aren't a pushover.
So, I do understand that ultimately it could be in everyone's best interest to play a few games in the beginning, not just show your hand right off the bat.
It's important to keep things from getting out of control and heading in the wrong direction, to set parameters, tell others how to treat you, see what the person is made of, and to just plain take it slow and build a foundation.
Then, if everything indicates that there's something worthwhile happening, there will be something substantial to build the rest of the relationship on from there.
By the way, I plan on sending you some comments on The Leading Man soon. WOW!
Take care,
Frank (White Plains, NY)
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Hello Frank, and thanks for writing
There's a disarmingly simple solution to the apparent contradicting advice about "adoring" women.
Mostly, it's about not pre-approving or going 'ga-ga' over a woman you don't or barely know.
Once you have chosen her from a pool of many options, however, then she has earned your genuine adoration.
It's desperate, needy and pushy men who are likely to suffer from "pedestal-itis". And women can smell it a mile away, believe me.
A woman's thought pattern when random guys fawn over her goes something like this:
"If he's already so convinced he needs me in his life without even knowing what I'm like yet, then he's never going to respect me for anything more than my outward appearance. What I really need is a man who sees me as more than a pretty face and has the wherewithal to discover the depth of what I can offer in addition to that."
No kidding. This goes way beyond her simply thinking guys who suffer from "pedestal-itis" aren't in her league. There's logic behind the disgust she feels.
Put the shoe on the other foot.
Let's say you're a multi-gazillionaire. When you drive up to a club in your Bentley, women flock to your car before you even get out.
(I realize even that is a long shot, but bear with me for the sake of illustration.)
Would you seriously consider any of those women ready to build a relationship of real depth with you?
Can they possibly value you apart from the dollar signs they're already associating with you?
Sure, all that unqualified female attention may sound nice...at first.
But if you were in fact a multi-gazillionaire, sooner than later you'd start spraying your milk-bone underwear with gold digger repellent.
Ever see "Coming To America" with Eddie Murphy? If so, you get my drift. You'd want a woman who "stimulates your mind as well as your loins".
And you'd run away from women who seemed so single-minded in their shallowness.
So similarly, guys who put women on pedestals early and often are the ones who lose.
They not only lose out on the pretty women themselves, they lose out on having any relationship of depth in their lives.
Women have a lot more to offer than just sex. And if you don't yet realize that, you're a "newbie" to the joys of igniting femininity and enjoying it. 'Nuff said.
But as a man who doesn't' suffer from "pedestal-itis", if you approach a woman who you find attractive you can even go so far as to tell her so.
BUT...you can only do that if you are a man who has options, and you have every intention of evaluating any woman you meet fully before deciding to go exclusive with her, let alone making any long-term plans with her.
Yes, you can bet your bottom dollar that women love to be appreciated for their beauty.
But that alone isn't anything new, exciting or...wait for it... confidence inspiring to a truly high quality woman.
A high quality woman is rocked to her core by a man who has enough character to not only step up to the plate and swing for the fence (by even approaching her), but who also tests and approves her to make sure she has the whole package before making any commitments to her.
That's what really makes her feel appreciated in the most meaningful sense.
As for being "hard to catch", you should be. It must not be an act.
Yes, you must be honest with a woman about your intentions to take things slow at first.
You've have to value exclusivity very highly, and not just jump into relationships. Tell her that's how you view things.
In the interim, until you decide to go exclusive with her (or anyone else, for that matter), you absolutely, positively should be meeting as many women as you can.
Then you remain a man of your word.
And when she rises to become the woman you favor the most--by far--she'll know it. Probably even before you ask her to be your girlfriend.
She'll know it because you had choices. And you chose her.
Meanwhile, chasers will never have a snowball's chance in Yuma, AZ of conveying that kind of security to a woman.
At that point, yes...you can reassure her every day that she's the one for you. She'll know she earned it.
And by all means, for your part don't ever change. Perpetually be the "big four" man who truly deserves her also.
Now finally, bear in mind that even then you should never make a woman your core "ambition".
Your life purpose apart from her always has to be #1 or she'll be very uncomfortable with the role of "supporting" you, even if emotionally rather than materially.
There's no safety and security in that for her because SHE would represent the masculine goals and the plan you're supposed to have that are actually meant to free her from any concern in that area.
Once again, the "big four" man rules, as always.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
X & Y Communications
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