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WHAT'S INSIDE: Too many men fail with women because of this...
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BEAT IT OVER THE HEAD WITH A SHOVEL UNTIL IT STOPS TWITCHING
Today we're talking about how damaging shame and guilt are to your success with women.
They're KILLERS.
So much so, that even the most current episode of The Mountain Top Podcast touches upon that same subject.
But what about lack of confidence...and not being able to be assertive, even when you know you have a point?
And how about seeing a beautiful woman who's exactly your type, and immediately daydreaming about how perfect the two of you would be together...only to "fail to deploy" again, kicking yourself later for not meeting her.
Some guys can meet women, but then they completely "bonk" when it comes to making conversation and creating attraction.
They're forever banished to the dreaded "Just Be Friends Zone".
Meanwhile, other guys have allowed themselves to believe they're bothering women by simply talking to them...or that they're bound to be the subject of a #MeToo post simply for showing sexual interest.
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THE #1 REASON FOR DATING FAILURE
I have to warn you up front, this will be a "gloves off", no-nonsense edition of this newsletter that might conjure up some uncomfortable thoughts and emotions.
That's only natural, because in no uncertain terms nothing limits otherwise sharp and desirable people from succeeding with MOTOS (members of the other sex) more than what I am about to talk about.
And that's guilt and shame.
Guilt is best described as a gnawing sense that you've done something wrong. Shame, in turn, is the sense of remorseful embarrassment over whatever it is you feel guilty about.
Having a conscience is a good thing. Such helps shape a sense of compassion and makes those who possess a solid one good citizens of the world.
The problems start, however, when we allow ourselves to be manipulated into believing we are "bad" or "unworthy", or when we refuse to forgive ourselves for past mistakes.
The end result of a prolonged sense of guilt and shame is that we rob ourselves — and others, theoretically — of the healthy relationships we deserve.
So tell me, have you ever been out with a woman you really liked, but she just couldn't allow herself to believe the two of you could have a great relationship?
You know what I mean.
She starts talking about how she "doesn't deserve you", or "if you knew my secrets you'd reject me", etc. In the end, you broke up with this woman, probably with a sense of frustration or even anger.
Give me a silent nod if you can relate.
Most dating advice would throw a blanket over such a situation and say that the person who makes such "lame excuses" probably didn't like you anyway and you just need to improve your "game".
But in the real world of advanced dating skills, those who deserve what they want and become successful with MOTOS will often discover truly terrific people who just can't allow themselves to be happy in a relationship.
You will be told you're "too good to be true". And sure, some people suffer from plain old self-esteem issues.
The most tragic situation of all, though, is when people who truly do deserve what they want let shame and guilt get the best of them.
In these scenarios both potential partners lose out, don't they?
Getting past simple "tips", "tricks" and "game" means that those who deserve what they want in the dating world have got to get past the paint-by-numbers mindset and learn to look more deeply at human behavior and communications.
I personally had met and appreciated several women prior to meeting my wife Emily who were absolutely stunning human beings on the inside and out.
By all rights, some deserving guy should have been incredibly happy someday to end up with any of them. And that guy may very well have been me, except they simply could not get past the emotional damage done to them, often leading to overwhelming shame and guilt.
Can you see the subtle difference between low self-esteem in its raw form versus the effects of guilt and shame?
Let's consider five factors that trigger guilt and the shame associated with it, and how to get around them:
1) A BIG Past Mistake
"I've been to jail before. No woman will love me." "I've been too sexually promiscuous." "I spilled milk on my best friend in third grade."
You've heard somewhere along the line that "nobody's perfect". Thankfully, most of our imperfections (and not necessarily just the "perfect imperfections" I famously talk about) aren't public.
This means that whatever we are carrying around, we have no idea what other people have on their own plates. So we dwell on our own embarrassing failures, thinking we are somehow worse than everyone else.
What happened has got to be over and done with...it's the only option, if you really think about it. I personally know people who have let the tiniest of peccadilloes — the type of which 99% of us would laugh off or even be proud of — RUIN their social lives.
On the other hand, I know others who have made truly IMMENSE mistakes in their lives (including direct responsibility for the accidental death of one's own child) who have gone on to participate in happy relationships.
2) A Dark Secret
The difference between a "past mistake" and a "dark secret" for the purpose of this context is the difference between something being past versus being current.
Perhaps you smoke occasionally and just can't quit. Maybe you have a child in another state. Whatever the issue is, if you feel you have one you have two choices.
Either you can get the issue handled or you can aim towards deserving someone more in line with your own personal situation.
If you just can't quit smoking, stop trying to hide it from non-smoking potential partners and start dating smokers and/or people who don't mind you lighting up. That's all there is to it.
The same logic can be applied to any other "secret" you have.
Based on my personal experience, most "dark secrets" are more easily digested by others than we ever imagine they will be.
A quick note...if your dark secret is truly damaging to self or others, take the high road and do what it takes to get rid of it.
3) Manipulation
Manipulative individuals can brainwash us into believing things about ourselves that just aren't true. Ex-spouses and control freaks are famous culprits here, yet somehow we allow their poisonous "gaslighting" to influence us.
A major life skill central to deserving what you want is learning how to see yourself as others see you.
If you are being told you are a jerk a few times a day then you should probably look in the mirror.
However, if the only person on Earth who thinks you "don't love your children" is your ex spouse, then you now know what to do with that information.
Unfortunately, there are religious organizations out there that have fine-tuned their guilt-producing machines to utter precision.
This is also a control mechanism, and one that carries shocking effectiveness in the lives of many people.
If the message of a religious organization, or one of its members, is causing you to be paralyzed with guilt and shame ask this: Does that feeling represent your vision of the God you worship?
4) Abuse
If you have been abused in any form it is not your fault.
This is certainly not a forum for formal recovery from such hurt, but I have seen an incredible number of people (men and women) have their identities in the dating world profoundly damaged by the abusive acts of others.
Potential partners who are worth your time will not judge you because you were abused.
Having been the victim of abuse, the only way you are limited from deserving the partner of your dreams is if YOU limit yourself because of guilt and shame. Period.
5) Divorce
We know that divorce can weigh on one's self-esteem. However, sometimes divorce also fosters a mindset of feeling judged by God or others, thereby causing us to feel we are not fit to participate in future relationships.
Truthfully, 21st century life is rarely as cut and dried as we would like it to be.
In my own experience, there was no infidelity in my first marriage, yet because of very complicated circumstances there is absolutely no way I could have done more to make the marriage work and no chance for living the remainder of my life with my ex-spouse.
After careful evaluation I learned how — and why — to move on, and am at peace with it all.
When reconciliation is not an option for valid reasons that are largely beyond your control, you must avoid the trap of remaining mired in guilt over it.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
X & Y Communications
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