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IN THIS EDITION:  It makes sense to break up with a woman who you
think you're settling for.  But why do guys break up with their
dream woman? 

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THE #1 KILLER


Yesterday I got an e-mail from a guy named Barry (not his real
name) in the UK who shared a fascinating story with me.

In response to my newsletter on how to "settle-proof" ourselves
lest we get into a relationship we don't really want, he related to
me how he had watched the exact OPPOSITE thing happen in his life.

Basically, it started off as a story about "the one who got away". 

He had found a hottie who, in his words, "was just so fantastic and
right for [him] in every way".

Yet after a mere four months, it was over.

But here's the thing.  HE was the one who broke things off.  He had
dumped HER.

So, what happened there?  Had she cheated on him?  Did it turn out
she had a raging gambling problem?  Drug addiction?   An even
hotter sister?

Nope.  None of the above.

As Barry describes it, he had "just gotten the feeling that [he]
wasn't being told something...and it ate away at [him]."

Now, he went on to say that he was heartbroken to the point where
he had to put a stop to all communication with her shortly
thereafter because it was all just too painful.

And yet, he also told me that it's been nearly two years and "to
this day [he] never did find out what [he] wasn't being told."

What's wrong with this picture?

I mean, logical sense says that you break up with women who you
believe you'd be settling for were you to stay in a relationship
with them.

And I even heartily agree with the premise that it's when a man can
dismiss amazingly sweet and beautiful women from his life that he
can look in the mirror and realize he's reached an uncommon
level of success.

That would be because he's got SO many options that he's GOT to
"JBF" some of them, even though they're ALL terrific.  Been there
and done that myself, and it's an amazing place to find oneself.
 
But in Barry's case, we're talking about his exclusive girlfriend,
a woman he STILL reckons to this day to have been "The One".

Know what?  You may have heard that it's wise to listen to one's
"gut feelings" because they're usually dead-on accurate.

That's fair enough...usually.  But I have to draw the line at
freakin' kicking the greatest woman one has ever met out of one's
life simply because he "has a feeling" something's not right.

Barry didn't mention whether or not he had thrown the matter at
hand out on the table and called it out, point blank.

All we know is that he was in a perfectly wonderful relationship
with a woman who apparently adored him in return, dumped her, and
two years later is STILL trying to figure out why it happened.

Here's the thing:  Had there been an answer to give, I really think
she would have given it. 

What woman who's in a great relationship will let everything go
swirling down the commode rather than at least taking a shot at
resolving the problem?

I mean, think for a second.   What's worse?  Keeping one's mouth
shut about something and DEFINITELY losing the relationship, or
coming clean with it and seeing what happens...either way?

If it would potentially incriminate her and send her to jail, then
I GUESS she'd be unwilling to say anything.

But otherwise, I don't see it.  Even if she was married or had a
wicked STD she'd have been better off coming clean about it rather
than continuing the "silence" for two full years.

That's why I suspect there was NOTHING wrong...neither with her, nor
with the relationship.

...At least until Barry decided that something MUST be wrong.

A-ha...there's the crux of the matter right there, if you ask me.

Maybe I'm right about Barry's case in particular or maybe I'm
wrong, but I do know this for sure:  A LOT of people tend to
sabotage their relationships as soon as they think things are going
amazingly well.

Yes, it's downright masochistic.   And yes, when it happens the
OTHER person in the relationship can chalk it all up as having
dodged a bullet.

That's because when someone breaks up with the potential partner of
their dreams, something is OUT OF WHACK in his or her outlook on
things. 

He or she is just not ready to be one half of a great relationship.

Now, the reasons why someone would ever want to kill a perfectly
terrific relationship are manifold, but rest assured that they're
indeed all dysfunctional.

First, some guys have been brainwashed by certain pickup advice
that says that getting into ANY exclusive long-term relationship is
basically tantamount to sawing off your balls and handing your
power to a woman on a silver platter.  

Therefore, so the story goes, one should kick any woman off the
island at the first sign of an impending LTR.

Whatever.  My opinion on that is you have every right to decide for
yourself what kind of relationship is good for you long-term.  

And for what it's worth, I believe I'm living proof that even
full-on marriage (gasp) isn't synonymous with being "p-whipped". 

Lots of other "big four" men who truly are the "man of the house"
could vouch for that fact as well.

Other people--men and women alike--have experienced such a
predictable pattern of painful endings to relationships in their
lives over and over again that they simply "bail out" at the first
sign of another one starting.

The twisted logic there, apparently, is that it'll hurt less to go
ahead and end it early on rather than to get even more involved and
endure the exponentially greater pain later.

Well, that's not only pessimistic, it's downright nihilistic...that
is, unless you really want to die alone someday.

And hey...maybe some people really DO want to die alone someday.
That too is pretty dysfunctional though, I'd say.

The other very real possibility is that the man or woman who tends
to end good relationships for seemingly no real reason simply has a
problem believing that ANYTHING that's overwhelmingly positive
isn't "too good to be true".

That goes for anything, really.  Financial gain, job promotions,
stellar health and yes...amazing connection with MOTOS (members of
the other sex).

A staggering number of people suffer from this syndrome.  Some call
it "fear of success", but I'd classify it as more of a disbelief
that anything good could ever really happen to them.

These are the people who when things go well "brace themselves" for
bad news...because in their mind it simply HAS to be coming sooner
than later.  Things are just too GOOD in the present for it to be
any other way.

Oddly, people with this mindset really do end up living a life
replete with self-fulfilling prophecies. 

That's because even though there are LOTS of things in this life we
cannot control, there are still a TON of things we CAN control.

Our level of self-confidence, self-esteem and general optimism are
all inter-related.  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure
that out.

And if you just don't believe you're worth it, you'll start going
about the business of MAKING SURE success eludes you, sometimes
even unconsciously.

But don't kid yourself.  Simple lack of belief in success is the #1
killer of perfectly good relationships. 

The sad--and scary--part is that this poisonous mindset ends up
affecting the happiness of at least two people, one an innocent
bystander.

As you know, I talk a LOT about deserving what you want.   But
really, the all-important first step is to BELIEVE you deserve
whatever it is you truly want.

If you can relate to this newsletter in any way, go ahead and find
the courage to ask yourself the hard questions.

Can you believe you deserve every right and privilege as ,much as
any other human being who finds love? 

Can you accept that others around you aren't necessarily denying
you that right...and that they may believe you deserve a great woman
even more than YOU do right now?

And can you come to grips with the fact that I'm here telling you
that any impulse you have to sabotage a relationship you claim to
actually WANT is flat-out unhealthy?

Sure, you shouldn't be a doormat in a relationship.  And yes, if
genuine challenges to trust come up, they must be addressed.

You can't look the other way, but you can't let personal insecurity
or lack of self-esteem compel you to hit the "panic button" either.

The true key is to actually ADDRESS challenges immediately, and to
deal REALISTICALLY with the answers that are uncovered.

If there are no answers because it's unclear there was even really
a valid question to begin with, then the overwhelming likelihood is
that you should let the ISSUE go, not the relationship.

 

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