[X&Y] What To Do With "Miss Nice Girl"

Published: Mon, 09/14/15

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WHAT'S INSIDE:  You hear about "Mr. Nice Guy" all the time.  But
what's the plight of "Ms. Nice Girl"? 

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WHAT TO DO WITH "MISS NICE GIRL"


Some time ago we hired a lady to do some work for us.  It was
for one of those ongoing projects that really doesn't have a
specific timeline.

To complicate matters, her stated expertise is also in an area
where results are rather hard to measure objectively.  When you
hire her, the plan is to sort of let her go about her business and
wait for something good to materialize sooner than later.

This was all well and good at the very beginning.  But after just a
couple of visits I personally started questioning the value of her
work.

Every time she showed up she was doing things that seemed like
"busy work".

Much of what she did clearly had little to do with what we hired her
for, and there was no doubt she had started doing the same things
over and over again when she visited rather than progressing on
to the next stage.

After a few months of this, I finally broke my silence and spelled
it all out to Emily.  

"I think we should figure out a way to call her out for what we
perceive to be lack of progress, or just straight up tell her we're
not pleased with her work and that we're not going to require her
services any longer."

Emily responded, "Well, I definitely agree.  But HOW are we going
to tell her that?"

After all, there was an "elephant in the room" that we both recognized
was standing there.

You see, the lady working for us was really, really, REALLY nice.

I mean, she was just about the sweetest, most giving person you can
imagine.  She always had a smile on her face, and genuinely seemed
to care about other people deeply...including us.

The bottom line is that she was SO NICE that neither of us wanted
to create a rift of any sort, let alone hurt her feelings.  We'd feel
terrible for making her feel terrible.

That's when it hit me:  We were dealing with the female equivalent
of "Mr. Nice Guy".  She was "Miss Nice Girl".

And here's the scary part.  It was more than obvious that our
response to her was to be "nice" in return.

Emily hit the nail on the head when she said, "You're going to have
to stop being 'Mr. Nice Guy' with her.  She's an adult and she can
handle it.  Besides, we're the ones who hired her.  If she's not
doing the job it's time to move on, no matter how nice a person she
is."

As you may have guessed, she was also quick to remind me that it
was probably my job to deliver the news.

But indeed, "Miss Nice Girl" was bringing out "Mr. Nice Guy" in me.

Ironically, because she was so "nice", she was getting away with a
lack of performance that would have gotten someone else fired from
the job weeks ago.

I couldn't help but think how weird that was...especially considering
how quickly "Mr. Nice Guys" tends to get banished to the "Just Be
Friends Zone" by women they're attracted to.  

It's as if we as men actually get fired FASTER for being so "nice",
at least when it comes to romantic relationships.

It's unfair, I tell you.

However, "Miss Nice Girl" really can get away with a LOT sometimes
and still be given second, third and even fourth chances.

BUT...let's be honest here.  So far I've been assuming that everyone
in the picture is trying to be "nice".

In the real world, there are manipulators of both genders who
lie in wait for "Mr. or Miss Nice Person".

Because people who suffer from "Nice Person Disorder" are typically
approval seekers who just want to make everyone happy, they'll
usually bend over backwards to make that happen--very often to their
own detriment.

And while equally "nice" people (or even simply well-meaning ones)
wouldn't want any harm to come to such extremely "nice" people,
those with blacker hearts are all too willing to take advantage.

That means that "Miss Nice Girl" can sometimes become subject to
some not-so-"nice" factors, especially in the context of a dating
relationship.

Guys with darker intentions can take without doing much giving in
return, and then slap a guilt trip on her should she ever do so
much as meekly fail to comply.  

They also might verbally (or even physically) abuse her, getting a
twisted feeling of power knowing she'll never do anything about
it, let alone leave.

OR...yes indeed, some "nicer" guy might keep her around indefinitely
even though he's not even attracted to her--all because he doesn't
want to "hurt her feelings".

Now listen, if you've ever manipulated "Miss Nice Girl" or
mistreated her in other ways, shame on you.  You already know
that's not the way to deserve what you want.

But hold on a minute.  Have you seen the other side of all this
manifest itself in your relationships?

Have you ever stayed with a "nice" woman because you feared
making her sad or upset?  If you have, let me tell you...you haven't
done her any favors.

"Miss Nice Girl" needs to find a man who'll appreciate her more than
you do, and it's nothing short of unfair for you to hold her back
from that.  Let her go, enduring the short-term mutual discomfort
for the ultimate benefit of the greater good.

Now, with all of that out of the way I'm going to drop one of my
now infamous "bombs" on this whole discussion:  NONE of what I've
just described is gender-specific after all.

While 90% of what you read about "Mr. Nice Guy" talks about how
he tends to get banished to the "JBF Zone" by women, that's not
ALWAYS how it works out.

Sure, since you're a man and she's a woman, she's more likely to
just do the "JBF" deed because she expects you to have the male
traits of toughness and resilience.  As "protectors" by instinct,
it's much tougher for us to "JBF" women who are too "nice".

Don't kid yourself, though.  There are indeed women out there who
thrive on manipulating and using "nice guys" everywhere.  If you're
letting one get away with that even as we speak, it's time to snap
out of the "Mr. Nice Guy" funk and say "next".

If you're getting "used" for rides, free dinners and even home
maintenance, all without much in return except for listening to more
demands (and complaints), then you need to look in the mirror and
see "Mr. Nice Guy".

But meanwhile, there really are "Miss Nice Girls" who can't bring
themselves up to kick "Mr. Nice Guy" to the curb, even when they
know they should.

If you really dig deep down, could it be possible that you're in just
such a situation with a woman?  If so, is that really how you want a
relationship to sustain itself...or do you have the guts to either
stop being "Mr. Nice Guy" or break things off yourself?

Here's a stunning thought:  Can you imagine "Mr. and Mrs. Nice
Couple" staying together ONLY because neither has the heart to hurt
each other's feelings?  Brutal.


Be Good,

Scot McKay



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