[X&Y] 9 Ways People Bore Each Other To Death (And Land In The JBF Zone)
Published: Fri, 05/06/16
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IN THIS EDITION: A sure fire way to make sure you intrigue a
woman is to come off as exciting and interesting. Here's a quick
list to make sure you never end up doing the exact opposite.
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9 WAYS PEOPLE BORE OTHERS TO DEATH IN CONVERSATION
There's never a shortage of information on how to be a
scintillating conversationalist. After all, if a woman finds you
interesting, she'll want MORE of you.
But oftentimes in life, one of the best ways to really grasp a
concept is to learn what NOT to do as well.
With that in mind (and after enduring years of listening to
engineers with IQs of about 200 talk about they personally believe
is "fascinating"), I've come up with a fairly quick list of 9
patterns that are typical among people who just flat-out bore
others out of their mind in social situations.
Obviously, you don't want to be that guy. So here goes:
1) They Talk About Themselves
You know, it really doesn't matter if you've experienced colossal
adventures that will probably languish on most people's "bucket
lists" for the rest of their natural lives.
The bottom line is that if you constantly focus on what you do,
have or think other people aren't going to find you interesting.
The best strategy in life is to let others ask you questions about
yourself when they're good and ready and give them matter-of-fact
answers that are concise enough to leave them wanting more.
Perhaps ironically, you can be sure that others will actually get
around to asking about you. Otherwise they'd be boring and you'd
stop talking to them.
In addition to being flat-out boring a person comes off as an
unattractive approval-seeker when he or she constantly turns the
conversation back toward himself.
For what it's worth, "one-upmanship" is a particularly insidious
boredom inducer. If you ever find yourself responding to someone's
comment about what they have or what they've done with, "That's
nothing, one time I..." then you'll know this is one for you to work
on.
2) They Harp On The Same Subject When It Needs Changing
Have you ever been in a conversation with someone who just didn't
"get" that there was probably something else worth talking about
other than that ONE subject he or she was so fixated on?
It's irritating as all get-out, isn't it?
Fortunately, it's breathtakingly easy to prevent yourself from
falling into this pattern. All you do is actually follow through
and CHANGE the subject whenever someone indicates it's time
to...either directly or indirectly.
And then don't work you way back to it again a minute or so later,
por favor.
3) They Bring Up Stuff That's Not Relevant
Ah, yes...the exact OPPOSITE of point #2 above.
The whole idea of "engaging" someone in conversation means to talk
WITH them, not in spite of them. So whenever someone brings up a
certain topic and you either fail to "engage" it or you change it
somewhat randomly, people will grow tired of trying to talk with
you very quickly.
Heck, it's going to feel too much like work.
They're there to have some fun, for a change...and they were hoping
for that from you. But talking to someone who can't hold a
conversation is like talking to a brick wall.
4) They Have No Energy Or Enthusiasm
This is about as basic as it gets: If YOU aren't excited and
tantalized by what you're talking about, you can bet your bottom
dollar that NOBODY ELSE will be either.
If you drone on in a monotone with absolutely zero "life" in your
voice, you might as well be saying "Bueller?" over and over. The
general effect will be about the same.
5) They Lack "Field Sense"
This one's a bit more subjective, but easy to recognize just the
same.
Essentially, conversational "field sense" is the ability to see
that you're "losing" someone in a conversation and then change
course on the fly. Think of how an NFL quarterback can improvise
after the snap and you've got the right idea.
Coupled with this is the ability to choose topics that are more
likely than not to appeal to the person one is talking to. That
prevents the problem from ever rearing its ugly head in the first
place.
6) They Give Too Many Details
If you can "cut to the chase", that's a virtue. Almost
invariably, the more relevant each bit of a story or description is
to the actual topic at hand, the better.
Too many "tangents" and "asides" tend to obscure the point, even
while it takes longer to get to it. That's like a "double
whammy", right there.
7) They Repeat Themselves
Have you ever talked to someone who kept saying the same thing over
and over and over again?
I mean, you feel like you're talking to Bubba in Forrest Gump.
If you ever find yourself saying, "Like I said,..." you're skating on
thin ice. For what it's worth, I swore off typing that phrase in
any newsletter I ever write very shortly after I got started with
this gig.
Rest assured, either people heard you the first time or they're not
really in the conversation to begin with, which brings us to the
next point...
8) They're Distant
By "distant" in this context I mean "unengaged". What we're
talking about here is a human dynamic that cuts both ways.
Sure, someone might be barely listening to you because YOU bored
them first. But then again, it's still pretty blasted tedious
(not to mention irritating) to try to talk to someone who'd clearly
rather be somewhere else.
It's a "chicken or the egg" thing, really.
9) They Stay "Engaged" Too Long
Most conversations have a natural ending point. If you've ever
been on the phone with someone and you both sort of say, "OK, I
gotta run" at the same time then you know EXACTLY what I'm talking
about.
On the other hand, if you've NEVER had that happen you might be
missing out on a very important social signal.
Whenever someone shows signs that it's time to move on to the next
person to talk to or the next item on their busy agenda, it's OKAY
to let them go.
Don't take it personally, because the vast majority of the time
it's not meant that way. Trying to keep someone roped into the
conversation is only going to, well...bore them.
Having jotted down those nine bullet points it's occurred to me how
challenging it is to talk about being boring in an "engaging" way.
But hey, I trust you got a kick out of this and that it really
will give you some valuable "mental notes" to keep in mind whenever
talking to someone else.
There's certainly no shame in slipping up once in a while...we all do
it (and I'm sure I'll hear about it the next time I do so in one of
these newsletters). The key, however, is always to limit mistakes
so as to maximize positive results.
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