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IN THIS EDITION:  Ray in Vermont is getting "ghosted" more than ever
nowadays.  He's not the only one.
    
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READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS


So when a woman, who was showing all the signs of attraction doesn't
call when she says she will...and then gives the silent treatment... for
absolutely no apparent reason... is there anything to do other than ignore
her as well?

I'm starting to see a pattern that I can't seem to get past. 

One woman (who made no secret of her attraction to me) scheduled a
visit two months in advance... and then the morning she was supposed
to arrive she informed me (only when I called her) that she had changed
her mind for now. That was nearly two years ago, and we've all but
ignored each other since.

Another one (whose idea it was that we should 'hang out sometime')
scheduled a visit about three weeks in advance, with apparent
enthusiasm.

I heard nothing from her after that.

I called two days before her scheduled arrival to discuss details,
directions and left a message to that effect. I called the second and
last time three hours before her scheduled arrival. She never picked
up or called.

Here's the really baffling part. Three months later I saw her at the
annual event where we'd met in the first place.

I tried to ignore her and keep going where I was going, but she made
enough of an effort to catch my attention that I couldn't ignore her
without being glaringly rude, which is not in my nature.

And she was smiling. And telling me how nice it was to see me.

I wasn't smiling, and I lied through my teeth when I said it was nice
to see her, too. The truth is I was (and still am) miffed about the way
she flaked and ghosted me.

She initiated a hug. I gave her a perfunctory one-armed hug without
putting my guitar down (very unlike me), and then dismissed myself
'I have an appointment to keep' (how appropriate).

I haven't seen her or communicated with her since. But what if we do
cross paths again?

Is there anything to gain by trying to find out what her major malfunction
is and express my displeasure in her behavior? Or try to find out what
I might have said or done to spook her?

Now I'm getting similar treatment from a gal whose acquaintance I
made years ago. She didn't call when she said she would, about a
week ago. And she was talking about paying me a visit last week.

What is there to do but ignore her as well, and move on? 


Ray (Stowe, Vermont)


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Hello Ray:

This problem is reaching epidemic proportions nowadays.

You can blame the transactional nature of dating apps and/or the
distance buffer of social media that has ostensibly replaced real,
live socializing.

But the reality is what it is.  People in general flat-out don't honor
social commitments anymore.

Five years ago such behavior would have been a major social
faux pas.  But now that "everyone is doing it", it's as if ethics don't
even factor in anymore.

Within the context of your story alone, evidence of this mindset shift
include:  1)  A woman you've known for years has become less
reliably socially, and 2) when you see a woman who has "ghosted"
you, she behaves as if nothing untoward ever happened.

But this isn't just a dating problem...and it's not just young, immature
women anymore.

For example, let's say someone plans a birthday party for their kid,
and twenty people RSVP.  Three or five might actually show up at
the party.  Guests apparently have no regard for the preparations
the host needs to make, and let's just say there's a lot of pizza and
cake left over.

Just this last weekend I was honored to speak at the inaugural
edition of one of the most promising new conference events for
men in years.

One of the speakers said at the last minute he couldn't make it on
the day he was supposed to speak because of a "family
emergency".

Of course, "family emergency" conveniently dismisses any potential
pushback in the same way "I have a boyfriend" does when a man
approaches a woman.

Was there really a "family emergency"?  Who knows?  Nobody was
going to challenge him on it, and he knew it.

Perhaps not coincidentally, the last time I needed to arrange four
young women for a business function (to be announced later, by
the way), three of the four texted me with a "family emergency" the
day they were supposed to show up.

What are the chances?

Rich, in your case women aren't even bothering to give an excuse.

They're just straight-up ghosting you.

Know you're not alone, and that this likely has little--if anything--to
do with you personally.

So what's a guy to do?

My recommendation is an updated version of the "flake proofing"
strategy I've been teaching for years.

First, call out the "elephant in the room" as a pre-emptive measure
before there's ever an issue.  Casually mention to women you might
potentially make plans with that you're appalled by the recent social
trends.

Then, note what she says in response.  Listen for her to agree with
you.

When that happens, make it a point to say you believe it's really still
a matter of personal integrity.  You don't do it, and you've made a
decision to spend time with those who don't either.

You might semi-joke about how all of your friends agree that "family
emergencies" seem to be at an all-time high nowadays.

Boom...you've mitigated against that excuse up front.

With that, your chances of her following through on the plans you
make with her have dramatically increased.

Now, legitimate excuses sometimes occur.  But here's an interesting
psychological twist for you...

When the excuse is for real, she'll likely give you plenty of detail as
to what's going on, and the story will hold together.  The less
elaboration, the more likely she's bluffing.

Also, she'll usually be eager to reschedule, and adamant about
wanting to.  If that doesn't happens, you're simply being deprioritized.

I trust that it's an obvious decision to deprioritize her as well if that
happens.  You have every right not to be "Mr. Nice Guy" in those
situations, and it sounds like you're already doing a fine job.

Going forward, set expectations as I've described and I'm sure
you'll see less ghosting from now on.  Will you completely cure the
issue?

I don't think anyone's going to stop that train completely nowadays,
but you'll certainly come closer than most guys will.

Be Good,

Scot McKay


 

P.S.  Did you catch the latest episode of The Chick Whisperer yet?
It's called "How To Make A Brilliant First Impression" and it's one of
the most popular episodes in quite some time:



Here You Go (It's Free, As Always)




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