[X&Y] What He Said Made Her LESS Interested <-- Don't Make These Mistakes

Published: Wed, 12/07/16



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IN THIS EDITION:  Are your chances with women being ruined by the
very words you use during your interactions with them? 

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READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS


Hey Scot,
 
I'll send you the last email I sent to this girl I met online.  Not
sure, what to make of it.  I've invited her to meet several times
now, and she keeps postponing.  She says she doesn't want to rush
into anything because she has been "burned before through Match".

Some things I noticed on my own, is that I repeated myself on the
"give destiny a little shove".  I wrote the email in a hurry and
that is what happened.
 
I really appreciate this,
 
Bart  (Pharr, TX)


-----Original Message-----
From: [withheld]@aol.com
To: [withheld]@aol.com  [Ed note:  I didn't realize there were two
people left on AOL?]
Subject: Please read ASAP....let me know.


So, guess what, I just finished purchasing 4 out of the last 5
tickets available to the "Thingy".  Not sure if we are meant to
meet or not, you may need to give destiny a little shove.
 
There is one final ticket left for the event.  I want to reiterate
that I was hoping we could meet prior to this, but now that this
might be the first time we meet, I think about it and it should
actually be rather fun. 
 
I am not sure if you will be able to read all of the info so I will
summarize it for you:
 
Its a wine taster for the 4th annual [UNNAMED] Festival.
Its at the [ANONYMOUS] Cafe in Pharr from 6-9 on Friday,
and my friends from [INSERT BAND NAME HERE] will be performing.
 
I encourage you to call the [ANONYMOUS] Cafe (Please don't ask for
tickets to the "Thingy"), if anything so you can verify that I am
not lying and there truly is one final ticket left, their number is
[555-1212].
 
By the way I wouldn't mind buying it for you (My house is walking
distance from them), if you decide on making it and the ticket is
still available.
 
I was thinking about it and there might be a good chance of
actually getting to know each other, if I am not mistaken they are
also going to have an outside market that day.  I want ask what
class you are taking in person (I'm going to wait for the answer).
 
Hope you can make it, sum up the courage and give destiny a little
shove.
 
~Bart



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OK, Bart:

First off, I have to give you a "heads up" ahead of time...there's
a lot of "tough love" in what follows.

But I really think this is an excellent chance for you to get
a good solid opportunity to see exactly how neediness and
self-consciousness tend to conspire together for disaster in a
real-world setting. 

Herein, I'm able to actually deconstruct on a step-by-step basis
exactly how such an e-mail portends self-confidence issues, and
why it does. 

My sincere trust is that this level of objectivity will contribute
to a major breakthrough for you, because I'd love nothing more than
to see you experience the wild dating success I know you have
coming to you.
 
So let's dive right in.

She's putting off meeting you because the attraction has not been
created.
 
There's no way a woman gets online and starts telling every guy
that she doesn't want to rush things because she's been burned
before on the site.

That excuse is as easy as falling out of bed.

And if she IS there NOT to meet someone, then you want no part of
it anyway.  What IS she doing there?  Simply having to ask the
question portends deeper issues on her side for sure.

So what happened here?

Well, for starters I'm wondering why you've already bought four
tickets and are asking her about the fifth if your intention is
to get some "quality time" with her.

Even if you bought them for someone else who'll pay you back,
she's thinking this is a gathering of friends...none of whom
she's likely to know.  That's going to come off as a weird plan
to her.

Also, be advised that when you take a woman to see friends of
yours play a live show, it's your friends who will look amazing
and "alpha" to her, not you.

Don't be surprised when she asks you to introduce her to the
band, all with a giggly smile and a finger in her mouth.

But far more importantly than all of that, you have pushed
majorly in this e-mail, and that comes off as a bit too
desperate.
 
The offer to buy her ticket for her "IF she decides on making it"
inherently indicates that your full expectation is that you have to
cajole people into hanging out with you, while also implying that
you actually expect disappointment.
 
You mention "giving destiny a shove" twice, which I understand
was an editorial oversight.

But that is a desperate, needy request even if uttered once.  The
insecurity about even knowing if you two are meant to meet is
clearly admitted in the first line where the phrase appears. 
 
When the theme of "giving destiny a shove" is reprised in the final
line, there's even a somewhat insulting charge that she lacks
courage herself. 

Projecting weakness onto someone else, though subtle in this case,
is amplified by the frequent appearance of inner-game issues of your
own. 

This may seem an esoteric concept at face value, but think through
the steps involved as if penned in an email to you and you'll
actually be able to feel the emotion I'm describing. 

It's almost as if hoping that she might possibly have the same issues
you do lest you be overshadowed by HER personal strength.
 
And indeed, this message is replete with earmarks of insecurity
throughout. 
 
All 13 of the following were lifted from this one example e-mail to
her from you:
 

"Not sure if"

"I want to reiterate"

"I was hoping"

"we could"

"this might be"

"it should actually be rather fun"

"I am not sure if"

"if anything so you can verify that I am not lying"

"I wouldn't mind buying it for you"

"if you decide on making it"

"there might be a good chance of actually getting to know each other"

"if I am not mistaken"

"Hope you can make it"
 

There are even still a few other phrases in there that could be
argued as more subtle indicators.  But you get the point.
 
Although all of those phrases should disappear from future mailings
(and from your interactions with women in general), the real
clincher was encouraging her to keep tabs on you to make sure you
weren't lying. 

Why invite that level of disrespect if your own inner game is in order?
 
I'm not sure where use of the word "Thingy" came from, but even if
SHE came up with this impromptu moniker for your proposed get
together, it's not a very masculine thing(y) to have to write into
an e-mail. 

It would take a unique masculine personality to pull off using such
words in e-mails, and even if you are that guy she doesn't know you
well enough for that yet.

If she IS calling your potential meeting a "Thingy" then it already
portends that she's so mildly interested she has made no effort to
even remember what exactly you had planned.
 
So how can you improve in the future?
 
Pragmatically speaking, here are several steps you can take RIGHT
NOW to project more confidence and leadership into your e-mails to
women. 

By the way, this all applies equally to live conversations, especially
when making the initial approach:

 
1)  Eliminate all "doubt".  Replace it with assumptions of
acceptance until proven otherwise. 


Examples could include, "I trust" in lieu of "I hope" (that's a REAL
GOOD one), "This is a great opportunity" instead of "There might be
a good chance", "I believe I'm correct in saying" instead of "If I
am not mistaken" (note the clear affirmative there as opposed to
hoping to avoid the negative), "Looking forward to meeting you there"
as opposed to "Hope you can make it". 

The examples I give sound a bit too formal in context, but you can
convey the same attitude in a more casual tone.  Whatever's congruent
with your true personality.
 
However worded, be sure of the quality of your plans, and be
confident about the outcome of your live introduction to each other.
 

2)  Remember that by "assumptions of acceptance until proven
otherwise" I'm essentially describing a BALANCE between
spineless wishy-washiness and a "hard sell tactic". 


If you tell her you need to know "ASAP" and talk about "giving
destiny a shove" at all, it's as if your impatience is driven by the
distinct possibility in your estimation that she'll change her mind
if left to think about it all long enough. 

In those cases the balance has swung the other toward the "hard sell". 

Both extremes signal lack of confidence, but the balance is just right.
 

3)  No 'reiteration'.  I realize this was mistaken in the case of
the 'giving destiny a shove line', but you've got to ride herd on
that. 


Ironically, you've just uncovered yet another great reason (among
many) to keep e-mails to women you've never met brief.

Talking in circles telegraphs that you are used to being ignored,
and therefore have fallen into the habit of feeling the need to
repeat things several times just to get your message across.

Leaders are used to having people hang on every word, and therefore
hardly ever have to make a point twice, unless for dramatic or
didactic emphasis, usually in the context of a formal setting.  
 
By the way, this goes for announcing that you're repeating yourself
(e.g. "I want to reiterate", "Once again, I want to tell you", "In
case you forgot", etc.) or for when you simply say something more
than once "give destiny a shove".
 

4)  Never assume someone is thinking negative thoughts about you.


Such is the habit of those who think negatively about themselves.
If you make a statement, assume it will be accepted as factual
based on your demonstrated level of character. 

If you tell someone you'll do something, assume they believe it
shall be done. 

Do you think perhaps it's too soon for you to have effectively
demonstrated your level of character to her? 

What I've just suggested is exactly how you build that track record
from minute one.  If you are used to being taken at your word, it
will come through in your attitude. This is like magic, but a very
real phenomenon.  It's all part of inspiring confidence.
 

5)  Finally, don't be afraid to take the entire interaction less
seriously. 


Have some fun, inject some humor. 

If she calls the event a "Thingy" you may poke some fun by over
dramatizing the event as an intense, cataclysmic all-important World
Summit Of International Wine Tasting just to highlight the irony of
it all.



But remember, all of this is beside the point if you don't actually
HAVE the inner confidence you need. 

You can't "fake it 'til you make it".  That just doesn't work.
 
 
 
 

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