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IN THIS EDITION:  Which type of communication should you pay
the most attention to, verbal or non-verbal...or both?

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SHOULD YOU LISTEN TO HER WORDS OR WATCH HER ACTIONS?


Hi Scot:

I have a specific case that I'd like to have your advice on and
I'll try to make it short. I've known a girl in my workplace for
about 4 years. We flirted in the past and we used to go together
for coffee and drinks.

I can say there is attraction from both sides. However, we didn't
have "real dates" and she dated other guys during the last period
and was in a relationship until recently.

Two weeks ago we went out for a drink after work. The conversation
had a lot of sexual tension. She was very excited and interactive.
At the same time she indicated that she wants to be friends
although none of her behaviour indicated the same.

And when we were leaving and everyone was supposed to go in a
different way, she asked me, "what do you have now, where are you
headed"?

I totally messed up here. I didn't get it as a signal that she
wanted to go with me. She even got closer to me as she was giving
me a goodbye kiss but instead I kissed her on her cheek.

Honestly I only realized that I messed up a few minutes later. And
I think the reason for that is what she said about "she wants to be
friends" which made me subconsciously behave like that.

Did I miss anything here? Can I fix this?

I read [elsewhere] that women have a short attraction window.
If a guy "fails to deploy", the woman would lose interest. I
actually could see how she was disappointed when we left.

I didn't see her since then because I travelled and now I am back.
What is the best way to deal with this? I appreciate your advise.


Thank you,

Ahmad (Toronto, ON)



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Hello Ahmad:

First of all, let's be sure to address this bit:  "I read [elsewhere]
that women have a short attraction window."

Honestly, I have no idea where you guys get some of this stuff, but
it's from people who have no idea what women are like.

Seriously, if you were to take a look, you'd note that an
incredibly high percentage of women's dating advice is about how to
get ONE guy who they're crazy about to "stop messing up" and/or
stop sending mixed messages.

The bottom line is that women are no different than we are as men
in this respect.  If they're attracted, there's really no stopping
them...unless you totally creep or freak them out somehow.

On the other hand, if they're NOT attracted, there's really no
starting them, if you get my drift.

In the real world, if a woman adores you but your response to her
seems indifferent, she's likely to become utterly obsessed with you.

She'll be unable to get you out of her mind.  You'd seriously have
to do something that's honkin' gross in order to sway her feelings
in the other direction.

And if she doesn't feel attraction for you?  Then that "window" was
never really open.  At best, she was being pleasantly tolerant
during any interaction she's had with you.

Fortunately for you, your scenario is the former rather than the
latter.

So what's going on here is that this woman is indeed attracted to
you.

And yes, she's sending some of those cute, adorable subtle signals
that women tend to send when they're not quite sure you're so into
them yet and they don't want to end up embarrassing themselves.

You know, those under-the-radar hints ("Where are you headed now?")
punctuated by clearer statements indicating that they fully realize
nothing's really going on between the two of you yet.

Really, it's all just a "dance".

She is following your leadership, even though your intentions are
either indiscernible to her and/or she's frustrated because you're
slower than a Yugo with a broken gearbox.

Therefore she's verbally going along with what's apparently to her
your "just friends" plan, even though her more subjective (and
they're barely so at this point) signals are virtually screaming
for you to make a bold move, for once.

If you were to make that bold move, my edumckayted guess is that
she'd respond to you with more enthusiasm than a Porsche 911
with a particularly sound gearbox.

All that's left is to make sure that's what you really want.

That's right.  I said it.

After all, this dinking around with her has already gone on for
four years, boyfriend or no boyfriend.

You mentioned "sub-conscious behavior" that's contrary to moving
things forward romantically.

And geez, man...you even gave the poor girl "the cheek".

It's time to come to grips with the fact that the idea of a
non-platonic relationship with this woman might not actually appeal
to you, if you dig deep into your conscience and are honest with
yourself.

For starters, if by "in your workplace" you mean that you're on the
same boss man's payroll, then you've got the always formidable "pen
in the company ink" problem to consider.

And then there's the simple fact that she went on "not real dates"
with you while she had a boyfriend.  Is there a sneaking suspicion
in the back of your mind that she's not trustworthy?

Were you to get into a relationship with her would she get a little
flirty with other "not real" boyfriends when you're not around?

I can tell from your letter that you really already know where
you've "failed to deploy" thus far.

Yet you did it anyway.

So yes...the real question here is one that only YOU can answer:
What ARE your intentions?  What do you really WANT?

The good news is you are indeed the chooser in this situation,
which is always the right frame of mind.