[X&Y] How Often Should You Call Her? (Where's The Balance?)
Published: Fri, 01/13/17
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IN THIS EDITION: We hear a lot about the dangers of calling women
too much. But how do we make sure not to let the pendulum swing
too far the other way? Where's the balance when it comes to calling
women?
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QUESTION FROM A READER
Hi Scot,
I don't think I'm taking enough advantage of the ability to ask you
questions as a Power Sessions member. I've been thinking about
this one for a while now.
Most of the advice of all the dating gurus and even girls
themselves tell you that "you shouldn't be calling a girl all the
time". I tend to heed that advice and not call a girl very often,
especially in the beginning of getting to know her.
It doesn't seem that hard for me to do because I usually don't feel
the need to call a girl everyday. And I tend to be busy doing
stuff during "prime calling hours", so I have to consciously make
special time to be calling anybody during a weeknight.
If I didn't, girls would be getting calls at 11 at night, and I don't
think they'd be happy with that.
However, it often seems as though the relationship with the girl
just fizzles out over time.
So, as an experiment, the last girl I went out with I tried to call
her a little more often than I felt comfortable with. I was
surprised when the result was actually positive.
And on top of that, even though I was calling her more often than I
felt comfortable with, she even told me that she wasn't sure if I
liked her or not because I didn't call her very often.
After I started going back to my pattern of not calling her very
often (and not calling her during the holidays), the relationship
fizzled again.
However, I felt less and less like calling her since she would
return my calls, but would never initiate a call tome. I used that
to gauge how often she felt comfortable with me calling her,
therefore the calls were made with less and less frequency.
After getting a phone number, I'll usually wait around 2 days to
call her. After going on a date, I'll usually wait like 4-7 days
to call or e-mail her again. Subsequent calls/emails are usually
like a week or more apart.
I'm comparing this to other gurus' advice of 7-9 days between calls,
and I feel I should be OK.
But I'm starting to think that maybe it's too long. Or maybe I'm
not waiting the correct amount of time at the right stages of the
relationship. Too short and she runs, too long and it fizzles.
My question is, can you give me some guideline with how often I
should contact a girl (phone, email, txt), and how that time-period
changes as I get to know her better?
Thanks!
-Brendan (Lake Elsinore, CA)
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Hello, Brendan.
Yes...I recognize your name from the Power Sessions mailing list
and I don't hear from you nearly enough. So I'm glad you wrote
me and you've brought up some excellent points.
First of all, let's level-set the calling timeline thing in
general. First, I don't agree with the "7-9 day" thing.
It's an overreaction, in my opinion...especially if you don't
have needy, clingy tendencies.
And that goes for whether you've just gotten her number or you've
already been seeing her for a while.
Let's face it. Most highly desirable women you happened to get a
number from will have written you off as too indifferent (or even
too scared) to call by then, if they remember you at all.
If you have already been on a date with a woman and would like
to see her again, then 4-7 days is definitely too long to wait.
It's going to come off as "game playing" to women even if you
aren't much into phone conversations.
As a rule, people just flat-out put a higher priority on conversing
with people they actually are attracted to than that.
So then, how DO you figure out how much phone time to put in? Is
there really even a specific formula for this?
The other day I was reading something from a "lady guru" when
something caught my eye: "If we like a guy, we're perfectly happy
to hear from him six or eight times a day. If we don't, then if he
calls us even once a week we're creeped out."
Wow, huh? It's really all about how much attraction you've created
when you were standing right there in front of her...even before the
telephone calls even get rolling.
So here it is. When you know she is interested in you, then you've
got to give her a break and call her sometimes. Otherwise, your
perception is dead-accurate: She'll think you don't like her.
Imagine if the tables were turned. If she appeared decidedly
cavalier about talking to you, wouldn't you begin to think she was
somewhat disinterested? Men and women are really no different in
this area.
Some mainstream men's dating advice talks a lot about guys calling
too much and being "clingy" because, truthfully, that's the best
"one size fits all" advice for most of the guys out there starting
from square one.
But if you truly have that part of things handled and have overcome
all symptoms of "neediness", then the right thing is to do your part
to let the woman know you at least like her back.
My thought in this case (and again, the caveat is that you have no
issues of neediness or insecurity) is that if you FEEL like it's
starting to have been a bit long since you've talked to her, you're
probably right.
It's time to call. Put it off longer and you risk disillusioning
her.
Considering how many guys hammer women pretty hard with phone
calls/texts/etc. you can easily figure why things fizzle for you
when you don't call them. They're human beings with feelings and
thought processes just like yours and they simply mark you down as
"uninterested".
Worse, that's when they'll turn their attention to the other guy out
there who gets all of this right without overdoing it.
By the way, if you aren't much into the phone, you're not alone.
Plenty of guys share your sentiments there. In that case though,
it's all the more important to make doubly sure to inform women
about that up front and make sure she knows that you aren't
kidding.
"Set the expectation" as they say in the sales world.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
P.S. New podcasts and a new YouTube video are coming
soon. Make sure you subscribe, lest you suffer from FOMO.
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