[X&Y] What Makes Dating After Divorce So Tricky

Published: Tue, 02/07/17


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WHAT'S INSIDE:  Today I'm going to talk about divorce.  That
doesn't mean you have to be divorced to read this newsletter
(believe me).

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IF YOU'RE NOT ONLINE...


...you're missing out.  I said it yesterday and I'll say it again.

It's really that easy.  Forget any negative info you've heard,
especially if it was years ago.

All you really need to do is surf the search results for your local
area on a site like Match.com or OKCupid and it'll be crystal
clear to you:  You've GOT to get in on this action.

There's only one problem, really.

Most guys have no idea  what they're doing, and they flunk out
...miserably.

But see, if you play your cards right, every other guy's "problem"
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Even more has been added since then on avoiding generic profile
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Everything you need to succeed online is in there.  And once
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as shooting fish in a barrel:



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WHAT MAKES DATING AFTER DIVORCE SO TRICKY


You know, my parents have been happily married for over 55 years.
They met in high school and married while still teenagers. 

Contrary to the naysayers who no doubt told them they were "too
young", or whatever, they are still together. 

In fact, all I've ever seen demonstrated for me by my parents was
the paragon of health and happiness in a relationship.

So leave it to me to be the first divorced one in the history of
either side of the family. 

And like I alluded to in a previous newsletter a few weeks ago,
sometimes I need to take the "advice" I get from my parents and
other family members with a grain of salt.  Heck, give me the whole
shaker.

Because here's the deal:  Dating after a divorce happens is a whole
different ball game than what happens in high school, college, or
wherever else you are before the first time you walk down the aisle
(at whatever age that happens).  You don't need me to tell you.

But have you ever stopped to consider WHY that is?  I mean, why is
it that people who are happily married for years can't relate to
what dating after divorce is like? 

And, more importantly, how come things are so, um...different...when
one starts dating again as a mature adult after some time "away
from the scene"? 

Well, it's all about what I call the "Divorce 50/50 factor".  I'll
spell it out for you.

Let's face it.  A marriage between two good, healthy people doesn't
result in divorce that often, does it?  Maybe you can think of an
exception.  Or two.  But definitely not more than you have fingers
on one hand, right?

Right. 

Because divorce is difficult on people it is therefore typically
the result of someone irreparably betraying the relationship in
some way. 

You don't see couples calling it quits because they "just don't
feel like being together anymore".  Not often.  

Typically it takes violence, habitual disrespect, substance abuse,
considerable infidelity, tragic mental illness or the like to bring
about the divorce.

Simply put, when divorce happens someone has just not been a very
nice person.  He or she hasn't kept his or her end of the
commitment.

So, consider for a brief moment that you are divorced (which for
some of us isn't difficult).  Short of some miraculous "amicable"
parting as allowed for above in rare instances, there are only two
sides of the table you can be on when that divorce happens:

 

1)  The Aggressor


You blew it.  The proverbial straw that broke the camel's back
showed up no thanks to you, and if it was the kind you drink out
of, well...you sucked. 

The running around, cocaine habit, drunken fits and/or whatever
else that was not co-habitable is now a dark secret that you
absolutely MUST hide from anyone else you are going to
date...especially if you ever expect to be married again someday. 

This is, of course, unless you are willing to end up with someone
with utterly zero self-confidence.  Nice.
       


2)  The Victim


You wanted a happy, shiny marriage.  You tried to make it work, but
in the end it was either too much of a weight to bear, the physical
danger became too much and/or your spouse left you first anyway.
If this description fits you, there is going to be pain. 

The pain may influence caution at best and outright distrust at
worst when considering future relationships.



So what this all adds up to is a state of affairs that makes the
landscape dramatically different than what it was when we were all
much younger and busy sizing up the fresh dating pool around us.

At BEST, only 50% of divorced people can possibly be "innocent
victims" done wrong by a bad, untrustworthy ex-spouse. 

That means at LEAST 50% of divorced people were "aggressors". 

Oh, and please don't think I am about to sway the odds of fitting
one or the other persona toward either gender.  Stop dreaming. 

And here's more:  the number of purely "innocent victims" is in
actuality considerable smaller. 

Why?  Because there is nothing stopping two "aggressor" types from
getting married and making each other miserable, is there?  These
marriages end also, leaving both ex-spouses back into the dating
"field". 

And wait a minute...even if one ex-spouse is purely a "victim" rather
than "aggressor", haven't we talked recently about that "poverty
mentality" that considering oneself a "victim" potentially brings? 

Yeah, well, that's not a healthy way to enter a future relationship
either.

Worse, if both ex-spouses were "aggressors", that typically means
that BOTH are also "victims".  Complete with finger-pointing and
utter denial. 

And if you're thinking what I'm thinking, you're thinking that last
paragraph was scary.

So what if you are divorced like I am? 

Are we dating fellow divorced people?  Well, why wouldn't we?  We
can relate to one another MUCH better than those who seem to have
all the "advice", even often at the single parent level

But at least we've shed some light here on why even more second
marriages fail than first marriages..

You don't want yours to be one of them.

With that in mind, if we're divorced and dating again we have to ask
ourselves hard questions.



1)  Was I an "aggressor"?  If so, was it a simple mistake or a
habitual pattern that MUST be corrected in order for me to
contribute to a successful relationship in the future?  If a simple
mistake, can a future spouse forgive me for that past history more
than my ex-spouse was able to?  If a habitual pattern, can I own up
and get it handled--forever?


2)  Was I a "victim"?  If so, do I see myself being abused as such
over and over?  Can I ever trust someone again?  Do I know how to
recognize the traits of an aggressor and not settle for someone who
potentially will cause history to repeat itself?


3)  Do I know how to get down to the bottom of which category (or
both) the new person I am dating is in?  Or WAS in? What kind of
skill does that take?  How finely tuned a B.S. detector do I have
to have here?  Am I confident that whichever category it is my new
friend has things handled at this point so it's past tense?  If
s/he is still struggling, am I settling? 

Hint:  When it comes down to brass tacks, 99.9% of your divorced
dates will position themselves as having been the "victim".


4)  What are reasonable expectations for a couple to have when both
are considering marrying a second time?  What is the difference
between having "been around the block" a few times and/or having
been to the "school of hard knocks" vs. carrying truly destructive,
deal-breaker traits?  Can you recognize these? 

Hint:  It has nothing to do with what is hard to hear about the
past...and everything with how the future would potentially play out.



I know I've had to ask myself these sorts of things on a daily
basis.

I tried following some people's advice to find a nice, smart,
attractive mid-twentysomething who didn't have any "baggage"
(whatever that means, right?).

I wasn't happy. 

Hey, I liked being able to relate to whom I'm dating.  So this
means dating a woman who has been divorced and is a single
parent was a good thing for me...and that's who I married the
second time around. 

But you know by now that I am about deserving what you want
in a relationship, which means I see the importance of handling the
issues that being divorced brings.

And you're darn skippy sure I've considered long and hard how to
learn how to appreciate a woman who has done the same.  How
about you?


 
 
 
 

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