[X&Y] The #1 Most Fatal Mistake When Talking To Women
Published: Sat, 09/02/17
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IN THIS EDITION: Here's at least one case where everything you've
ever learned about body language and rapport just might be WRONG...
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THE WORST MISTAKE WHEN TALKING TO WOMEN
There's no doubt that if you can master the art of non-verbal
communication it's like having super powers when relating to
others, especially when it comes to measuring a woman's interest
level.
Well, recently I happened to notice that someone had left the TV
on (again) in the living room.
Now see, the irritating part about that isn't so much the energy
being wasted. Instead it's geez...half the time what's on looks
interesting and I end up watching the darned thing.
Sure enough, one of those dating reality shows was on, and in it
something fascinating was happening. A guy was talking to a woman,
apparently attempting to flirt with her.
Nothing new there. But this was a particularly curious example.
The gal was one of those hotties who in MTV production-speak
"appears between 18-24".
As fortune would have it, she was also petite, smiley, and had one
of those high-pitched happy-go-lucky voices that tends to make other
women's eyes roll, but to some (if not most) guys represents some
sort of innocent, fun "cuteness" that tends to drive us wild.
So she was bouncing about her business, with the guy following her
around running game on her.
And to my utter, complete horror he was talking to her in the same
exact tone and inflection that she was using.
Now, don't get me wrong. I don' t really think this was that guy's
usual style.
It's just that when we are wrapped up in pursuing what's commonly
known as "rapport", we as humans tend to use "mirroring" behaviors
as a way of building common ground. We can do this either
consciously or unconsciously.
And the thing is, this is typically a good idea. Anyone who has
ever been coached ahead of some key face-to-face meeting like, say,
a job interview, has been taught this sort of strategy.
You know the drill: "When the interviewer changes his/her seating
position, change yours to the same."
"When he or she nods, nod also."
"If the interviewer uses a certain style or cadence of speech,
follow his or her example."
Like I said, this usually affects the intended results (i.e.
rapport, trust, etc.) like magic.
There's only one problem with this strategy as it relates to the
"dating show" situation above. And that's this issue we've come to
know affectionately as "igniting femininity with masculinity".
If you're a true grizzled veteran of online dating (relatively
speaking), you may remember how Match.com at one time included
"baby talk" in its litany of selections under "turn on/turn offs".
They quickly discontinued it.
This probably had something to do with the fact that 99.999% of
all women had it checked as a "turn off".
Meanwhile, most guys don't use those ridiculous checkboxes anyway,
if they know what's good for them.
So essentially, it was a moot option.
Women can't stand it when men "baby talk" them. Following
logically, this also means that women probably also can't stand it
when men "mirror" their feminine, "cutie-pie" voice inflection.
Think this doesn't apply to you? Check yourself. It can creep in
before you even realize what has happened...to the most masculine of
men, no less.
Years ago I used to live in one of those apartment complexes with
the notoriously thin walls. Beside me lived a city police officer
and his wife, who happened to fit the aforementioned MTV girl's
persona fairly closely.
On weekend mornings, I'd wake up not to sounds of orgasmic pleasure
from the other side but rather to plaintive, sweet wailings of "C'mon
honeeee....puh-leeeze? Don't you want meeee? Why don't you want to
tryyy thaaat? Awwww....c'mon....Whyyy nawwwt?"
You guessed it. It was HIS voice, NOT hers.
Now this guy seemed like a decent enough guy when I saw him
around. But it may have not been a coincidence that his wife
was a bit too flirty with the neighbors sometimes (ahem).
It wasn't long before she finally kicked him out. Go figure.
But in his mind, my guess is that he didn't even realize how he
sounded. He was just relating to his wife in the manner that she
related to him.
So how do we as guys get so blind to this? Maybe it has to do with
the fact that we talk to small children like this all the time.
And puppies, too. I guess.
Hey, it was good for Mr. Rogers, so that must be how it's done.
Every guy who doesn't have kids of his own--or even nephews and
nieces--basically goes "Fred Rogers" on every little kid he meets
due to sheer lack of practice.
And yeah, that's a particularly large number of us guys, isn't it?
My own personal epiphany on this issue came a couple of years ago
when my then five-year-old daughter was living with me full-time.
One of my female friends noted that I essentially talked like
Justin B. Frenzione (see the "Nice Guys Need Love Tooooo" podcast
on iTunes) to her.
I responded by stating, "Well she's a kid...so I talk to her like
a kid."
Female Friend didn't miss a beat in retorting with, "Yeah well,
I'm a cute redhead in a sundress but I don't hear you talking to
me like you're...um...a cute redhead in a sundress."
Point well taken.
So I tried talking to my daughter in the same tone of voice I speak
in to everyone else...even if the subject matter itself is slightly
different.
The result? No more discipline issues. The kid has almost super-
human self-confidence. And I'm basically her hero, or so she
tells me.
But this isn't about parenting, it's about YOU pulling wild success
with cute redheads in sundresses.
Just like my daughter needed a DAD, even the petite cuties want a
MAN.
They aren't attracted to what's LIKE themselves. Rather, they're
attracted to the sexual polar opposite. That would be masculinity.
This means that you keep your identity in check and resist every
urge to "mirror" her inflections or (need I say this?) her mannerisms.
Keep your identity as a MAN intact that you've been deserving what
you want with elsewhere.
She'll respond powerfully. Either that, or if she has a similar
problem she'll start talking to you in a gruff voice with her
eyebrows furrowed.
I saw your reaction to that last statement. Yikers. It sort of
puts everything in perspective.
Men love women. Women love men. Deserve.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
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