[X&Y] Reader Question: "My Girlfriend Is Jealous Of My Female Friends...Now What?"
Published: Mon, 11/28/11
X & Y COMMUNICATIONS NEWSLETTER FOR MEN
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IN THIS EDITION: You've met a great woman, but she's sort of the
jealous type. Are you REALLY ready to say goodbye to all of yourfemale friends in exchange for a long-term, committed relationship
with her...especially if she's pushing just a bit too hard? Craig in
Illinois brings up some great questions...
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6 TELL-TALE SIGNS OF FEAR...ARE YOU AFFECTED?
Maybe 5 out of 100 guys do NOT have this problem. If you're one of
them then this won't really matter to you.
BUT...if you're like the other 95% of guys out there, then you do
alright with girls you aren't that into, but you hold yourself back
around the women you REALLY want.
Sound familiar? You bet it does.
Either you don't approach... or you get tongue tied when you're
talking to her... or you don't push things because you don't want
to "screw it up".
If you've lost out on women you really like due to any or all of
these reasons, then you'll definitely want to read this:
It's a killer discovery about the six telltale signs of a guy who
is afraid and why, no matter how much strategy he knows or how much
"inner game" he has studied, women just flat-out aren't attracted
to him.
In fact, they can really TELL he's not cool when he does just 1 or
2 of these half-dozen things.
This is good stuff from my main man Nick Sparks over at The Social
Man, whose legendary skills with women are obvious to those who've
seen them first hand
In the report Nick talks about why so many guys are still having
these issues, despite the huge amount of dating and pickup advice
that's readily available out there.
He's been working for the last three years on coming up with the
answers to these questions and there's some really breathtaking
stuff in there.
This is going to hit home for a LOT of you. I highly encourage you
to log-in at Nick's site and grab the report for f-r-e-e:
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LETTER FROM A READER
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR STEADY GIRLFRIEND IS JEALOUS OF YOUR
FEMALE FRIENDS
Hi Scot,
I'm a long-term reader and huge fan of your dating content. Thanks
for sharing your knowledge and creating incredible products. I
greatly enjoyed the recent "The Difference" audio mp3s.
I'm writing because I am concerned about taking a relationship to a
serious relationship level. Kathy is 30, a successful lawyer, and
comfortably living in Chicago.
I am 26, just finished graduate school, and looking for a job and
opportunities to travel. Her and I have been dating for three
months. Never one of us have been in real serious relationships
before---only short term relationships.
Kathy fits my profile of what I've been looking for in a woman .
She is intelligent, energetic, beautiful, sexual, and assertive.
I feel completely comfortable around her. Up until today, I have
only been concerned about her jealousy toward my female friends.
Things have been going so well, but the relationship has moved
incredibly quickly. She has her own condo. I'll spend several days
a week there.
We love each other's friends. She has met my family on multiple
occasions, I just got home today from Michigan from a Thanksgiving
weekend where I met her extended family. It's only been three months.
On the ride home, we explored issues like marriage and family. And
I'm worried about how to meet these life issues.
1) Marriage - Kathy has made it clear that I'm the only one she
wants to be with. She has declared she will never date men again if
I cheated or left her.
2) Timeline - I think people should date at least a year before
marrying--she says that's just an arbitrary number. I'm incredibly
happy with Kathy, but am not sure I am ready to get married at 26
or even when I'm 27. I think there is long-term potential...but also
feel a lot of pressure from her to move in this direction. She's
made it clear not to waste her time if I wasn't ready for a serious
relationship.
3) Children - I'm open to having children, but am hoping to wait
until my mid-thirties, when I have a career and am more settled.
She is looking to have children in the next 3-4 years.
4) Female Friends - Scot, this is an issue I haven't read from you
about. But I meet a lot of friends (volunteering, trivia nights)
and have a "big-tent" mentality of having a lot of friends in my
life. Kathy gets jealous if I go out and there are woman there that
she doesn't know about at the party.
She always seems suspicious of how I talk about my friends who
are women. Her feeling is that as our relationship strengthens,
we don't need extra people in our lives. She says that's what
single people do.
Maybe she's right and I'm just inexperienced, but I wanted your
opinion. I really enjoy having friends who are women in my life,
and want to meet more, even if I'm in a committed relationship.
Kathy gives me a comfort and a friend that I didn't know I could
have. I'm a much happier person, and better man because of her.
I feel like I'm a huge crossroads. On one hand I have the
opportunity to spend my life with an amazing woman who gets me.
On the other hand things might be better if I casually date and
retain my independence until I'm ready for a more serious
relationship with marriage and kids.
Maybe I will be ready by the time these "events" happen. If our
ages were reversed, none of this would be a problem--we could date
longer, we could put the child-rearing question off for a while.
Maybe it's too early to be concerned with these things. What's your
advice Scot?
Craig (Illinois)
[Ed. Note: Craig also gave me the URL for his Facebook profile,
featuring pics of himself with Kathy and others.]
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Hello Craig:
This is all WAY too complex to cover in a simple quick e-mail, so
you may want to consider some phone time with me. Better yet, I'm
wondering if you could coax your girlfriend into some time with
Emily?
You see, my gut feeling is that for your part you probably are
publicly showcasing your female friends a bit much.
I hesitate to use the word "flaunting", but having taken a quick
look at your Facebook profile some of your pics and wall comments
would tip the scales in that direction.
Were you to back off from that to a degree more in line with
someone in an exclusive relationship, that might help matters.
I'd delete the pics of you physically hugging and kissing other
women.
Definitely also edit yourself from posting comments to other
women about how much you're enjoying seeing them and spending
time with them.
In short, don't give your girlfriend any valid reason to feel
disrespected.
BUT...the biggest issues here really do appear to be hers.
Realistically speaking, although she indeed has a point about your
female friends, she asserts it with more than a hint of overzealous
desperation.
For example, I'd never go so far to say "we don't need extra people
in our lives". That's taking it too far.
And as you might guess, I really can't advise YOU much on HER
behalf.
The trouble is that she's chasing you away.
She's clearly behaving as if she wants/needs this relationship more
than you do, and that means you're going to lose interest in her fast
...and possibly even all attraction you've ever felt toward her.
Now granted, that might ultimately prove to be tantamount to
"dodging a bullet" in your mind...but working in the present tense
serves the purpose at hand fine.
So then, let's talk about what's going on here and now.
It's suspect enough that she would be pressuring you into marriage
after all of three months, kind of along the lines you read about
in my newsletter yesterday on manipulation and "game playing".
And as we've already established, yes...she's going somewhat
overboard in her reactions to your female friends.
In reality, though, the truly GIANT red flags here are twofold:
1) She's MANIPULATING your good intentions for her by loading you
up with that nonsense about how she "will never date men again if
[you] cheated or left her".
In other words, if you don't give her what she wants, the guaranteed
doom that would her life as a result should in her mind be
considered YOUR fault.
That's one to put to the TGR-R test, for sure.
It doesn't look like she cares all that much about what YOU want...
and that's a recipe for disaster.
2) NOBODY who has experienced only short-term relationships (and
none of them "serious") is in ANY POSITION to argue against taking
your SWEET TIME deciding whether a long-term, committed relationship
is in order between the two of you.
And that goes DOUBLE for someone 30 years old.
Again, she's rushing you into something that you haven't necessarily
expressed interest in. That only points to selfishness and
impatience on her part.
Note that I haven't harped much on the four-year age difference. I
really don't believe it's as big a factor in the grand scheme of
things as you think it is, at least objectively speaking.
Sure, if the age difference were reversed you MIGHT be more ready
for marriage and she MIGHT pressure you less to do so...but who
really knows?
Besides, what matters is REALITY rather than CONJECTURE...and you two
are WORLDS APART in terms of what you feel you're looking for in a
relationship right now.
It sounds to me like you've got some "bucket list" items you're
itching to cross off that decidedly DON'T involve a "significant
other" and/or family responsibilities.
Further, I'm not sure your idea of what an "exclusive relationship"
should look like really meshes with hers.
I've long been on record as saying that it's ONLY time to consider
marriage when three distinct checkboxes are ticked:
1) You're SICK of dating, "playing the field" or whatever you want
to call it
2) You've met a woman who scores a "100" on The Checklist of what
you want in a woman (top 10 items at 10/10 points each) AND (wait
for it...)
3) You feel "ready" to build a shared lifestyle and history with
someone else...under the same roof and with a common understanding
of what the boundaries are.
When it's only #1, you take a break without pressuring yourself in
any way. It's as simple as that.
If #2 hasn't occurred yet, whomever you'd consider "settling down"
with you'd surely also be "settling" FOR.
But assuming you have the first two covered, then it's time to ask
yourself if you're willing to consider a woman's needs along with
your own in order to gain all the benefits of long-term
companionship.
A "yes" or "no" answer is okay...as long as it's the TRUTH.
Should that answer be "yes", then--and ONLY then--are you ready to
think about an EXCLUSIVE relationship that POSSIBLY leads to
marriage.
And yes...I really do think that the more time you spend together
testing and approving your compatibility before walking down the
aisle together, the better.
You've got to deserve what you want...and that goes for BOTH of you.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
P.S. A new episode of The Chick Whisperer podcast will be recorded
tomorrow. Let's just say that you've been HAMMERING ME about the
topic at hand, and I've got an EXCELLENT co-host to cover it with
me.
You should see it around Thursday or so.
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