[X&Y] Pick Up That Phone And Tell Her You Can't Make It
Published: Sat, 12/03/11
X & Y COMMUNICATIONS NEWSLETTER FOR MEN
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IN THIS EDITION: Getting a date is one thing. Knowing WHEN and
WHY to cancel one you already have set is another. Here are eightideas to guide the way.
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WHEN TO CANCEL A DATE, AND HOW TO DO IT
If you've been reading this newsletter for a while now, you know
that we tend to move freely between the philosophical and the
practical around here. Well, today's edition is going to be
decidedly practical.
In fact, what I'm about to share with you is something that EVERY
MAN should know: WHEN to call off a date you've already set up
with a woman, and exactly how to go about it.
Honestly, I'm a bit surprised that literally NOBODY ever has
covered this subject in the world of men's dating and seduction
advice, at least as far as I've seen.
Then again, there's so much focus on actually GETTING a date if
you're NOT seeing much action that I can see how that skill remains
the priority.
But hey, if you're about going from GOOD to GREAT with women, and
if you're about becoming the CHOOSER rather than the CHASER, then
you're going to have to get your "cancellation skills" in order
here.
So with that, here we go... What follows are EIGHT GOOD REASONS to
cancel a date with a woman, and what to do in each situation. Get
your sense of humor on, because you'll probably need it:
1) She Already Sort Of Makes You Mad
I have no idea why we as guys do this to ourselves. Oh wait...yes I
do. She's hot.
But dude, if you already find your blood beginning to boil during
simple phone conversations with her, it isn't going to go any
better in person.
The same holds true if she flat-out irritates you in some way. It
could be her laugh, her political views or that way she friggin'
interrupts you constantly or tries to lecture you on what you
already know how to do in your sleep.
Maybe it's that generally speaking, she's generally speaking.
No matter WHAT it is, here's the deal: If you don't get along, why
go through with the date? Simply call out the gorilla in the room:
You're sure she's a "great person" or something, but the two of
you just seem to be missing each other.
Be the man here and save her the (further) discomfort of bringing
it up herself.
2) You're Already Bored
Another thing that can happen when we finally set up a first
meeting with a particularly hot woman is that we COMPLETELY
OVERLOOK the fact that she has the personality of a paper clip.
Let's face it, if you're dreading the date more than you're excited
about it--primarily because you're 100% sure the conversation is
going to be awkward, at best--it's time to grow some self-respect
and cancel the date.
The same M.O. as above holds true here. Tell her she's very
"nice", but that you don't think the two of you are a match.
She'll be much happier with a guy who's conversation enraptures her
a bit more than yours.
Yeah, this is a variation on the "it's not you, it's me" concept,
but it's also probably true. Just about every tedious person I
know eventually finds someone with whom he or she gets along
perfectly. How or why that's possible, who knows?
Chalk it up to the uniqueness of individuals and what makes them
happy.
And by all means, if the fact you've even PLANNED the date a few
days ago has slipped your mind until you look at your schedule...do
the right thing. Free the woman up to go out with someone who
cares.
3) Signs Of Games, Potential Flakiness, Or Getting Played
If this one doesn't get to the very heart of "self-respect", I
don't know what does. It's no secret that women "test" you.
Especially particularly hot ones.
But as a "selector" who is in total control of his dating life,
you've got to draw the line on where "testing" turns into blatant
game playing or even flat-out manipulation.
For example, if she calls you at 3 in the afternoon on the day you
are allegedly supposed to take her out that night and says, "Oh,
hey...I can't make it. How about some other time?" then she'd better
have brought an excuse along.
And it had better be a REAL GOOD one, along the lines of #6 or #7
below.
If you want to be the leader in this situation, again call it as
you see it. If the excuse is legit, DO GIVE HER A CHANCE.
I realize some may tell you to cut her off right then and there,
but in my mind to do that smacks of personal insecurity. Think
about it.
Sometimes stuff really does come up, and you have to respect that.
Believe it or not, Emily actually canceled our first date together.
And obviously things worked out pretty well when we rescheduled.
But if she's just running lame "flake out" game on you, tell her
it's all good...you suddenly agree that BOTH OF YOU have better
things to do.
If you find yourself uttering these words, here's a caveat: This
will likely fry her circuits and give her a fresh dose of amped up
attraction for you. Forget it. The die has been cast with regard
to what you can expect from her in the future.
Here's a dime. Find a more mature woman to date instead of a
little girl. You don't have to tell her I said that...exactly.
4) You've Never Seen More Than One Pic Of Her, Or Have Never Talked
On The Phone
This is for you guys out there who are online. One pic on her
profile isn't going to cut it. Ask for more.
If she's offended you would ask, let that be a red flag. If she
won't talk to you on the phone before meeting you, let that be
another. And as you know by now, red flags do not a pleasant
dating experience make.
By the way, the same holds true if a "blind date" is in the works.
You won't be offending the friend who set the two of you up if you
ask for the pics and the phone number ahead of time. Really.
If you don't get any joy here, explain that you simply cannot
commit your time and energy to meeting her if she is unwilling to
commit the time and energy to assure you there's a possibility of
mutual interest. Period.
For most guys, exactly one disastrous result of having overlooked
these details in favor of misplaced optimism is enough for the
lesson at hand to be learned. I'm trying to save you from having
to learn it the hard way.
5) The "Set Up"
It goes like this. You've taken the lead by suggesting a certain
game plan for your time together. She appreciates that and seems
excited to join you.
Then you get a call. No wait, make that an email or a text.
It invariably starts with "Hey..."
"Hey...is it okay if my sister tags along? She's really feeling down
and hasn't been out in a while." If you say "yes" to this, you may
as well have agreed to her bringing a posse of bodyguards, a couple
of blue-haired chaperones and a rocket scientist along too.
Chances are you probably have not succeeded at creating COMFORT and
SECURITY here ahead of time.
Step back and regroup. Have you suggested a public meeting place
or taking separate cars if the two of you barely know each other?
If not, tell her you'd prefer being able to give her your undivided
attention.
Then let her know you want her to feel comfortable with the
meeting, so you're changing the venue to a place where there will
be plenty of other people around...if not her sister, per se.
Another variation to watch out for her is when SHE suggests a venue
change at the last minute. For example, you had arranged to meet
at a Thai restaurant. Thirty minutes beforehand, she calls and
suggests you meet at Morton's Steak House instead.
I don't think so. And neither should you. Once you set the
precedent of falling for that, your relationship with her is about
to get REALLY pricey...and REALLY platonic, too.
6) One Or The Other Of You Is Feeling Sick
Now we get to the "legit" portion of the discussion.
Certainly, there are varying degrees of "sick". If you have a
headache, wolf down some ibuprofen and plan on it working. After
all, having to call off a date you're genuinely psyched about is a
major bummer.
But look man, if you're hurling up your insides and/or sneezing
your sinuses into submission, you're just going to have to face up
to reality.
And that reality is this: If you're physical state is going to
cause MORE HARM to the attraction process and/or to the
relationship itself than getting a rain check, then you've GOT to
reschedule.
Make the decision and run with it. If you need to postpone the
date, then call her and FIRMLY RESCHEDULE it then and there.
Suggest a time to her and preferably make it at the same place.
If you get pushback from a skeptical woman, state VERY CLEARLY that
this is no joke. You are genuinely looking forward to hanging out
with her, but it's going to have to be after you've kicked whatever
is ailing you.
Now if SHE'S the one calling you to announce that she has fallen
ill, simply apply the logic in reverse. If she's seriously not
feeling well, she'll be profusely apologetic and offer a time to
reschedule. That's what you'll be looking for in that
conversation.
If she's unwilling to reschedule, it's probably a cop-out. Either
that or she's already on her way to the hospital and losing
consciousness.
7) Genuine Priority Adjustment
We've all seen it happen. You have a great date planned with a
woman you've had your eye on for WEEKS...but Murphy has other plans.
I remember one time in college I finally figured out how to strike
up a conversation with a girl named Gwen, who I only saw maybe once
or twice a week...max. She agreed to play racquetball with me the
following night.
Completely stoked about that for the next eighteen hours, I went to
my afternoon class...where the professor casually reminded us the
MID-TERM EXAM was the next day.
I had to cancel the date. And unfortunately, the date never ended
up happening.
But I aced my class. And I graduated from college and got a job
afterward.
Hopefully, if something comes up that represents a higher priority
than going on a date, you'll be better at rescheduling with a firm
time and place than I was.
And make no mistake; there are LOTS of possibilities when it's time
to list what's probably more important than going on a date.
Unexpected business trips, family emergencies, playoff tickets...
8) Gut Feeling, Backed By Genuine Evidence Of Any Sort
Sometimes you just KNOW something isn't right, but you can't quite
put your finger on it.
Women in particular are REALLY GOOD at intuiting when they'd better
not go through with a date.
Usually it's because they just feel a bit creeped out. Maybe the
guy seems as if he could get sexually pushy or possibly even
violent.
But no matter what, most women aren't shy about cutting off plans
with a guy when they have a gut feeling they shouldn't show up.
And as guys, our "spidey senses" can start tingling also under
certain circumstances, can't they?
Do you think her emotional stability (or lack thereof) could be a
factor? If she has already come up with some erratic stuff on the
phone, you could be right.
Think she's just out to use you in some way? If you get the
distinct feeling you're being manipulated somehow, you're probably
right.
No matter what, if she's causing you to think that maybe NOT going
out with her would be the best idea, then cancel the date.
You don't really need to explain what you're thinking, because
she'll likely have a pretty good comeback ready.
Gut feelings, I've found, are usually trustworthy. Tell her you
think it's best that the date not happen, and that there's another
man out there who will appreciate her more. Leave it at that.
Usually when we make the decision to hang out with a woman, it's
because we genuinely want to. But it's always a good idea to keep
a clear perspective along the way...especially when you don't know
her very well. So definitely use the information I just shared
wisely.
One other quick note. Clearly, I've geared this conversation
mostly toward first dates. If you have been seeing a woman for a
while, you should be LONG PAST any potentially awkward situations
associated with date cancellation. Open, frank conversation should
be the norm.
So you've just read about a whole new topic that suddenly seems
pretty important to get right, yet which you've never seen covered
elsewhere.
And as a result, right now you may be feeling like there's MUCH
MORE to getting your dating life under control than you thought.
You may even be feeling that achieving the ULTIMATE level of true
success with women may be out of reach.
Well, on behalf of every guy who has ever been through my Ten-Plus
coaching program, I can tell you that a wildly successful dating
life is NOT AT ALL out of your reach.
In fact, you can go from where you are RIGHT NOW to a life with the
great woman (or women) of your dreams in FAR LESS time than you've
ever thought.
Actually, as crazy as it sounds, your vision for success with women
may be TOO SMALL.
The Ten-Plus program is designed to take you from GOOD to GREAT
with women...at YOUR pace, and on YOUR terms.
This is because it's not "just like" you're putting me to work for
you. You ARE putting me to work for you...directly. And it's that
personal attention that GETS PERSONALIZED RESULTS.
Right now I have exactly two Ten-Plus spots open:
Demand has been increasing lately, probably because of the Ten-Plus
program's 100% success rate.
There are also reports of guys getting major job promotions as a
direct result of the program...in ADDITION to having high-quality
women in their lives.
So if you have had ENOUGH of settling for mediocre women, feel as
if your specific situation may be unique in some way, and already
know that the character-based approach we bring to the table here
at X & Y Communications is what's right for you, then it's time to
e-mail me.
Drop me a note at scot@deservewhatyouwant.com. Give me a way to
contact you and a couple of times that would be good to talk.
There's plenty of time to chat this weekend, if you'd like.
If you want to learn more about the program before getting in
touch with me here's the website you'll want to visit:
And I'll be talking to you again soon.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
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