[X&Y] How To Be PERSISTENT Without "Chasing" Or Looking Desperate [Reader Question]
Published: Wed, 01/04/12
X & Y COMMUNICATIONS NEWSLETTER FOR MEN
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IN THIS EDITION: Ok, we all know you're not supposed to look needy
and clingy. That sort of thing just doesn't work. So then, how isit some guys actually succeed at being PERSISTENT with women who
aren't initially so into them? Isn't that "chasing"?
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QUESTION FROM A READER
Hey Scot,
I am thinking that this would be a good newsletter topic, because a
lot of guys wonder about this. I know it has been on my mind. But
alas, this is one of those topics that the Seduction Community
doesn't cover, at least not to the satisfaction of a mature man.
I have been getting your newsletters for a while, and I had the
pleasure and benefit of a couple of phone coaching sessions. You
talk a lot about being a chooser as opposed to being a chaser. That
makes perfect sense to me.
But there is another concept that also makes a lot of sense to me,
and this is the concept of being PERSISTENT.
Example: Woman goes on date with Man. Woman thinks Man is "nice"
but well, she isn't too excited about him. Man is persistent
though, and then thanks to his persistence, they end up going on a
second date, a third date, and so on, until Women develops real
feelings for Man. Then Man proposes to Woman for marriage and Woman
giddily accepts.
Didn't the guy "chase" her though? So my dilemma is that the
concept of being a chooser seems to go against, as I am
understanding it, the concept of being persistent when we meet that
woman who is really special.
And even when it comes to being persistent--how does one be
persistent without coming across as a stalker or being a pest?
One could say that it's all about making a strong impression in the
beginning, but what if for whatever reason, that doesn't happen?
I am wondering all this because I've met a lot of women in 2011.
There were maybe two women in particular who each seemed like she
could be really special, but I wasn't really able to spark
attraction in the 90 minutes we met for drinks (as I was in other
women I wasn't as excited about).
I came across as a good guy but that was it. And in this day of
short attention spans and women insisting on "instant chemistry",
it does seem that doing that usually won't cut it when it comes to
getting a second date.
And needless to say, I never ended up getting together again with
these women.
So yeah, I do find myself thinking about these "near-misses" and
"what-could-have-beens". What if I was more persistent? And would
have there been a way for me to have been more persistent without
being a pest/coming across as a stalker?
Anyway, thanks for reading. Happy New Year man!
Lucas (Paradise Valley, AZ)
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Hello Lucas...good to hear from you.
This is a great topic. And it's a tricky one, isn't it? After
all, isn't it a solid example of "chasing" vs. "choosing" when we
continue to pursue a woman who doesn't seem all that interested at
first?
Hmmm...maybe or maybe not, as I see it.
Amazingly, the truth of the matter, essentially, is that you really
CAN still be "selecting" even as you assert your will for a woman
to be in your life.
How so? Well, whereas "chasing" is rooted in desperation and fear
of loss, "choosing" in this instance is more a matter of knowing
what you want and going after it, failure not being an option.
Since women do tend to follow a man's lead, the strategy CAN
actually prove successful. The case of Michael Jordan's courtship
with his first wife is a famous example, albeit one that ultimately
ended in failure in the form of divorce years later. So "success"
here is indeed a relative concept, as it so often is.
When it does indeed work to be persistent with a woman who isn't
initially so into you, it's almost ALWAYS because you as a man
finally started to demonstrate MASCULINE qualities of leadership
and having a clear plan of action.
This definitely involves replacing any "soft", tentative demeanor
you may have had at first with a bolder, more directed presence.
It involves stepping up and SHOWING up where you may have only been
"along for the ride" on the first date, maybe in the hopes of
"playing it safe" and not "offending" her.
Certainly, you'll have to go for broke a little more the next time
you see her if you want to turn things around. Obviously there
also has to be some sort of real-world CHANCE for that next meeting
to happen, which you might be able to finagle via follow-up
conversation on the phone, etc.
It's important to understand that the woman has to have at least
LIKED you and felt reasonably safe and secure in your presence in
order for there to be ANY chance of success...ever. Pushy, creepy
and/or weird guys don't get "do-overs" with women in this life.
Similarly, if you've really managed to get yourself fully banished
to the dreaded "just be friends zone" it's highly improbable that
you'll ever get the return ticket back into her world.
Truly, she'll have to be "on the fence" about you to some degree.
Assuming that's the case, like any true champion you should PLAY TO
WIN instead of running "Prevent Defense" as I've written about
before.
BOLD moves are called for here, although I cannot underscore enough
that we're talking about ASSERTIVENESS rather than AGGRESSION.
There's a HUGE difference, and the yardstick by which to measure it
is how much her perception of safety and security is taken into
consideration.
One important caveat is that executing the strategy I'm talking
about here to perfection rather than ruin requires literally more
confidence in oneself than the woman has even in herself. If that
sounds a bit esoteric, think about it for a minute and it'll make
sense.
That leads to a second, and arguably more significant caveat. If
the woman isn't initially attracted to you, your "leadership" could
potentially result in her feeling as if she's "settled" for you.
You never, ever want a woman to be with you because of personal
inability to say "no", which is a costly character flaw.
You certainly also don't want or need a woman in your life who's
only there out of a sense of guilt, obligation or even flat-out
coercion. Manipulation is ultimately worthless to you in the long
run.
I think you can see the "fine line" here.
If a woman is repulsed by you despite your unrelenting pledges of
undying love and associated temper tantrums, that's one thing.
But if she's "undecided", then be proactive and bold. Go for what
you want.
Similarly, if what's keeping the two of you apart is purely a
matter of, say, "social politics" (e.g. what others might say, her
"having been hurt in the past", an unwanted ex who "won't go away",
etc.) then feel free to lead in that persuasive manner if you
innately sense that the two of you SHOULD be together
Be Good,
Scot McKay
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