[X&Y] Was This First Date REALLY A "Success"? [True Story]

Published: Sun, 01/15/12

X & Y COMMUNICATIONS NEWSLETTER FOR MEN


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IN THIS EDITION:   Wait a second...isn't getting a woman to "comply",
having her pay the bill and ending up at her place afterward the
ULTIMATE way to end a date?  Read what follows and decide for
yourself.  Beware:  Things aren't always what they seem.

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COMING TO A TOWN NEAR YOU?


Are you part of a group of guys who are interested in getting
better with women?  If so, would you like me to come hang out with
you and do a workshop or seminar?

Or are you coordinating a men's event and need a kick-ass presenter
on how to be a man and/or how to relate to high quality women?  I
always bring my "A-game" to every conference I speak at.

Today's newsletter reminded me of how much we LOVE to
travel...especially if we get to meet some of you guys while I'm
doing so.  So far we've done seminars here in the US as well as in
places like Germany, Norway and even as far away as Australia. 

So if you'd like me (or Emily and I both) to come see you, let's
make it happen.  We can fly all over the U.S. and Canada, of
course...and Europe, South America and the Pacific Rim are among our
favorite places.

It really doesn't matter where you are.  We're actually really
looking forward to visiting India and South Africa in the near
future, so if you're there and would like to make an event happen
that would be AMAZING.  We'd be all over it.
Drop me a note at scot@deservewhatyouwant.com and let's get the
ball rolling.



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INSECURE GUY + DESPERATE WOMAN = SUCCESSFUL DATE? (OR,
"ONCE UPON A TIME IN BUENOS AIRES)


It's been several years now since Emily and I last visited Buenos
Aires, Argentina.  It remains one of our favorite places.  The only
thing that's better there than a great steak is the great people.
Rich culture, lots of fun to be had and the amazing sight to a
North American resident of leaves changing and falling in May.

It was with this euphoric (and hungry) state of mind that Emily and
I found ourselves (for the second night in a row) at Cumana, an
unbelievable and sadly website-less restaurant in the Recoleta
district.  As we were recounting the day's adventures over Quilmes
and locro, another couple sat down at the table directly beside us
at the busy eatery.

The two of them began bantering away in the typically Italian-
sounding Espanol that is ubiquitous down there, and it was soon
obvious that this was a first date. 

Both sharp looking and well dressed, they seemed to be sharing a
mutual attraction along with their empanadas and malbec. 

Then,something happened.  Her mobile phone went off. 

She had received a text message, which she proceeded to read...and
answer.  Right there with her date in front of her.

He asked, "Who was that?"

"Nobody", she answered.

Despite the fact that it was against what we would recommend around
here for her to have messed with the cell phone during a first
date, we also would have liked to have seen the guy in this
scenario man-up with some confidence and LET IT GO.

Either that or man-up in a different way and not put up with the
blatant disrespect and/or lack of social skill she had just
exhibited.

No such luck on either account

Instead, he continued to insist on finding out who was sending the
text messages.  "Nobody...really", she maintained. 

According to Murphy's Law, it was right then that she received the
reply to her response.

Growing impatient in a fit of immature jealousy, the guy reached
across the table, physically grabbed the phone out of his date's
hand and started reading the text messages. 

Slack jawed, the woman watched silently as his eyebrows began to
furrow.  Sure enough, "another guy" had messaged her.

The guy then tossed the phone onto the table, crossed his arms,
looked sideways and literally began to pout.  Not a word was
spoken. 

Nonplussed, after about half a minute the woman started to beg him
for an end to the deafening silence...to no avail.  Her emotionally
overwrought date was too wadded up with insecurity to be of any use
in that department.

For clarity's sake, Emily and I really didn't intend to be
interlopers in this whole brouhaha. 

In fact, at this point we would have rather been spared the pain. 

But it's just that this otherwise amazing restaurant places its
tables literally six inches from each other.  So, like it or not,
we were along for the ride.

And no doubt,  things were appalling enough already.   But it's
what unfolded next that almost cajoled my dinner to the surface.
Fortunately, the food in Argentina is way too good to give back so
that didn't actually happen.

The guy began to nervously, and predictably, blurt out that she
should "just leave and go out with the other guy", etc. 

As unattractive a display as this was, one (e.g. one named "Emily",
for example) would have thought (out loud) that the woman would
take him up on that offer and split. 

Again...no such good fortune.

Instead, she tried to reason with the man-boy across the table that
Mr. Text Message was "nothing to her", "only a friend", etc.   But
her date continued his passive-aggressive display.

Next, as a gasp was heard from the crowd, the woman--at wit's
end--announced, "Look, I'll pay for dinner.  Here's fifty pesos!" 
Still staring at the wall, her date shrugged.

Finally, and unthinkably, the woman pushed all of her chips to the
center of the table.  "Hey...I'm sorry--REALLY, REALLY sorry.  Let's
pay the bill and I'll go home with you and prove it to you!"

And yes...they left together, her still pleading and him still
pouting.

Emily usual appetite for dessert was thoroughly lost.  For better
or worse, she was pregnant with our now four-year-old son at the
time, so she couldn't exactly drink away this kind of painful
experience like the rest of us could have.

She looked at me and managed to utter a simple, "How?"   Of course,
she was viewing things from the female perspective.  In her eyes,
the woman had surrendered every shred of self-esteem potentially
available to her.

Indeed.   But my fascination in that regard was utterly and
completely trumped by the ridiculous fact that  THIS GUY ACTED LIKE
A TOTAL NEEDY WIMP.  YET SHE PAID THE BILL--AND WAS APPARENTLY
ABOUT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM ON THE FIRST DATE.

Wait a minute, isn't that THE GOAL of dating--at least according to
lots of  "dating gurus" out there?  So in a way, can it be possible
that this guy SUCCEEDED on this date?

If getting her to "pay and lay" is the end game, then there's no
denying it.  Dude "won".

But if you are like me, you know he somehow still LOST.  After all,
I haven't heard his "method" advocated...um...anywhere, really. 

Can you put your finger on why this is?

In my estimation, both the guy and the gal in this true story got
what they DESERVED. 

A woman desperate to be with any man who will approve of her will
end up with a man who falls far short of the masculine ideal.  And
a man who somehow keeps a woman around by manipulation through
weakness will never, ever achieve greatness with a truly great
woman.  They won't stick around for it.

So the question remains. 

Sure, they both got what they deserved, but are they DESERVING WHAT
THEY WANT? 

One dinner and one night of "passion" based solely on bargaining is
likely, at best, a Pyrrhic victory.  He'll still be jealous while
simultaneously having zero respect for her. 

Meanwhile, she'll find her bargain didn't work and she'll be left
emotionally empty...quickly bored if not outright disgusted with both
him and with her own self.  Who wants that?

My challenge to you this week is a simple one:  Is your definition
of "dating success" big enough?  It should be able to contain your
wildest hopes and dreams, not just a "quick fix".  And, rest
assured,  that's what we're all about around here.

Meanwhile, back at the restaurant, Emily and I resumed our own date
with newfound peace.  After all, thanks to our "leisurely" pace
dessert was still ahead of us.
She ordered the most amazing flan ever experienced by anyone in the
entire Spanish-speaking world.  We joked, fed each other dessert
and enjoyed each other's company over candlelight. 

When finished, she paid the bill (from our joint account) and we
went back to our room together to continue the "fun"...holding hands.
 
While the irony is implicit, I'm thinking the rest of our evening
was very different from that experienced by the other couple.


Be Good,

Scot  McKay


P.S.  It's time for more podcasts.  Who should I have as a co-host
on The Chick Whisperer?  What would you like to see Emily and I
hash out on the next (long overdue) episode of X & Y On The Fly?

Drop me a quick note at scot@deservewhatyouwant.com and share your
ideas.  I'm looking forward to hearing from you!




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