[X&Y] How Social Skills Really Work
Published: Mon, 01/23/12
X & Y COMMUNICATIONS NEWSLETTER FOR MEN
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IN THIS EDITION: If you are serious about truly deserving what you
want instead of settling for mediocrity, today's newsletter couldbe the most foundationally important one I've ever written.
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HOW SOCIAL SKILLS REALLY WORK
When we talk about social skills as it relates to attracting women,
the conversation typically centers around a very finite number of
variables.
Most of these variables involve polar opposites with regard to what
we as individuals DO and DON'T want to exhibit in our public-facing
persona.
For example, most of us would rather not resort to manipulation in
order to get what we want in any aspect of life, especially as it
pertains to women.
And true to deserving what we want, we absolutely positively don't
want to BE manipulated either.
Further, most of us who aren't psychopathic by nature want to be
seen as generous towards others in thought, word and deed. You
know--the kind of person who makes everyone's life just a bit more
fulfilling and exciting just by being around. We want to leave the
world (and the people in it) better than we found it.
But we'd rather not become everyone's doormat in the process,
either.
Perhaps most of all, we dread being "needy" or "clingy" and
therefore perceived as someone who is an approval seeker. After
all, those who SEEK approval are typically viewed by others as the
most starved for it, and therefore those LEAST deserving of it
naturally.
Yet...every normal red-blooded human being walking this planet
desires to be loved...and therefore "approved", by definition.
Ironic, isn't it?
Indeed, we hear ideas about the individual importance of all of
these specific concepts talked about every day, from any and every
corner of the wide world of "dating advice".
But what we encounter far less often is any realistic description
of how all of those factors INTERRELATE.
It's relatively easy to dissect each facet of human interaction and
describe it in a vacuum. And without question, that really can be
a valuable conversation.
But without the ability combine all of the right moves together
into that ever-elusive state of "effective social skill", we
flat-out will NEVER be able to attain maximum ability to deserve
what we want.
Much of the time the advice you read about not being needy,
avoiding clinginess, and eliminating manipulative tendencies plays
something like a Nike ad: "Just Do It". So today, once and for
all, I'd like to draw all of those components together for you and
demonstrate how they interact...even as WE interact with one another.
I believe this is where the "light bulb" is going to go on for many
of us.
Last night I was on the phone with one of the guys who is about
midway through the Ten-Plus program. He had brought up an
interesting issue earlier in the day via e-mail:
"I have realized that all the things I have done to make thechanges that I've been making have been for the purpose ofobtaining positive responses from people. Perhaps what I'vedone is valid, but I did it to be liked. I did it to try and manipulatethings, namely how people perceive me."
When I called him and started listening to more about what he was
getting at, it occurred to me that he actually felt a bit guilty
about his newfound ability to elicit very positive reactions from
people thanks to recent changes in social habits.
What threw me was that he used the word "manipulate" to describe
how he felt he had brought all of this about.
But when I finally grasped exactly what he was feeling, I
simply--non-eloquently--stated, "Dude, you aren't a 'manipulator'
simply because people are giving you the type of social approval
you've always desired. You have every human right to be
appreciated--to be approved of. We all want that, and it's not at
all a negative thing to enjoy the logical, natural results of being
generous, giving, and downright cool towards people. And there's
no GUILT in being attractive to women"
The words were more of an epiphany to him than I could have dreamed
while I was uttering them.
And the more we discussed, the more the social concepts that
repeatedly vex those who struggle with women (and all things
social, actually, in many cases) started coming together to make
real-world sense before our very eyes.
In reality, being AUTHENTIC about wanting to make the lives of
those around you better NATURALLY begets approval from those around
you.
Others appreciate your social demeanor towards them, and happily
reward you. And enjoying that reward, in a very real way VALIDATES
your actions towards others.
It's like a self-perpetuating cycle, loosely related to the
good-old Golden Rule: You become a man who enriches the lives of
others, and your life is enriched to a greater degree.
The secret to success, from a social standpoint, is all in the
nature of the outward intentions you have and your ability to
execute upon them.
So BEING good to others is the first key component, and EXPECTING
and ACCEPTING goodness from others is the other.
Take either or both aspects of basic formula for positive social
interaction and turn it on its head, and the entire house of cards
comes crashing down.
Here are the four possible combinations available to you:
1) Offer unconditional validation and goodwill while rejecting
validation and goodwill from others
Become a DOORMAT, and you open yourself to easy manipulation. As
my friend and I discussed, this can even come off as arrogance, as
oddly tragic as that sounds. No matter what, there is no respect
for the "giver".
The polar opposite of this state of affairs would be...
2) Feign unconditional positive concern for others, while the real
intent is purely selfish gain
This is the very definition of social manipulation.
Now consider the two ends of the spectrum at large...
3) Little positive concern for others, little concern over personal
gain
This illustrates lack of self-respect, and therefore an inability
to respect others. This is the stuff personal hopelessness and
despair is made of. The "house of cards" has been flattened.
And finally the most desirable state of all...
4) Genuine unconditional concern for others, expectation of
positive response from others
This is, by definition, what "mutual respect" is all about. In
order to truly respect (and therefore enrich) others we MUST hold
our own measure of self-respect to a golden standard. We do not
allow ourselves to tolerate mistreatment by others, even as we
treat others fairly and reasonably.
The "house of cards" is transformed into a "tower of power" at this
point.
Do you see now how all of that (respect, approval, neediness,
selfishness, selflessness and manipulation) hinges together?
If not, read this newsletter several times until it starts to make
sense. Doing so could illuminate your ability to deserve what you
want more than most people will ever comprehend.
Just for good measure, here are some other thoughts that my friend
and I discussed on the phone...all pertinent.
1) A "needy" or "clingy" approval-seeker's primary problem is that
he is still in his own head, rather than considering others first.
"Neediness" means he is preoccupied about getting his own needs
met.
The one who is willing to prioritize GIVING validation over
RECEIVING validation is the one who is more likely to GET
validation and approval. This is because such approval is a REWARD
rather than something that is demanded.
2) Similarly, RESPECT cannot be demanded effectively any more than
approval. He who respects himself enough to NOT be a doormat can
respect others accordingly. The desired level of respect is
therefore naturally "earned" in a "bloodless coup" of sorts.
Contrast this with "badboy" guys who "command" respect through fear
and intimidation. The "respect" afforded them is hollow, and
therefore unfulfilling...especially from women.
3) "Manipulation" is the fake "shadow" of effective social skill.
It's an imitation, exactly as "pickup techniques" are an
"imitation" of genuine manhood in a social context with attractive
women. The manipulator should only expect to effectively
manipulate "doormats", who will have no real foundation for
bestowing respect, as we've already noted.
In other words, "manipulation" cannot bring about genuine respect
or approval...only disingenuous imitations thereof.
4) The manipulator is "self-serving", which is a perversion of
"self-respecting" in every sense.
The manipulator's mindset is not evolved enough to realize that ham
fisting one's desired results on one's own terms can only--at best--
result in the effect the manipulator himself envisions.
There will be no creative "pleasant surprises" from others that are
outside of his own expectation.
Meanwhile...
5) ...He who respects self and therefore others finds that his social
rewards are lavished upon him by others on THEIR terms, which very
often exceeds imagination's grasp...and typically BETTER and MORE
EXCITING than any outcome that could have been manipulated.
So by definition, this experience far exceeds any potential hollow
"fulfillment".
And ALL OF THE ABOVE, when considered together, should describe
once and for all why the sex-focused man complains that women are
"dead lays". Wham...how's that for a wake-up call?
Similarly, now you have a clear picture as to why the man who
provides leadership with confidence, direction and genuine positive
concern is the one guy you'll NEVER hear complaining that "there
are no good women in [insert your country here] nowadays".
He operates with a clear conscience. He naturally draws the
adoration and respect of those around, especially highly desirable
women. It is he who understands how it is a man becomes a
"chooser" versus a "chaser".
He deserves what he wants.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
P.S. Ladies, I know some of you are out there read my newsletter
for men because you enjoy the insight into what a great man should
look like.
In case you've not heard about it before, my wife Emily has a
newsletter also...and it's all about YOU. Go ahead and sign up by
visiting:
Rest assured you'll continue to get this newsletter also.
And after you click "send" to get your free special report, take
a couple of minutes to read about her Click With Him program.
Emily developed it with a heart and soul towards helping YOU find
and attract the right man. What The Master Plan is for the guys,
Click With Him is to women all over the world just like you.
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