[X&Y] Reader Questions And Comments
Published: Thu, 11/29/07
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com
(www.deservewhatyouwant.com)
http://www.edumckaytion.com/blog
(www.edumckaytion.com/blog)
=====
IN THIS EDITION: Still waiting for a callback five minutes from
now. Still waiting for her to break up with her boyfriend. Still
waiting for him to get over his ex-wife. Still waiting to get
through one of my "War And Peace" newsletters. There's a theme
here for sure.
=====
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By the way, would you rather get some REAL cigars outta me? If so,
be sure to check the announcements at the bottom of this
e-mail...there are cool podcast announcements and a new video-blog
out there too.
Now on to your questions and comments...
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READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS
OREGONIAN CHICK "DUCKS" OUT OF CLASS...GO FIGURE
Hello Scot,
So I have a crush on this girl in my class. I've noticed her since
day one and to my surprise she's been sitting right behind me. I've
been meaning to get her number sometime but never had the chance.
But I finally got the chance when I saw her on a Saturday night.
Well I called her the next day to set up a date...when she picked
up I introduced myself and she said I should call her back in 5
minutes which I did. However she did not pick up her phone. Two
days later I called her again, even texted her but nothing
happened. So I decided to wait till we had the class this last
Thursday. This is where I really got confused--when the Professor
was taking attendance of course I would expect to hear my
name...then my crush whispered my name from behind like, "Mario...so
that was you who has been calling me? I am so sorry, sometimes I
give my number to random people and I can't remember." So I kind of
gave her a faint smile then nodded my head like am okay with the
excuse she gave me. Up till now (when I am typing this message) I
am still shocked about what she said. What also surprised me was
that she left the class before the class actually ended, probably
to avoid me confronting her. I like to give people benefit of the
doubt until she said what she said. Frankly I thought maybe she's
playing hard to get like "try harder buddy" but now am just
dumbfounded not knowing what she's up to. And here is the thing, I
have a genuine interest in this girl because I thought at least if
I get to know her without making any pre-judgment I would know who
she really is. What do you think is going on with this girl or is
it me doing the wrong thing here? I am thinking of calling her
later this evening just to clear the air with her. Thanks for
reading this.
Mario (Oregon)
Nope. Don't chase her, Mario. At all.
Did you not tell her your name when you got her number? It makes
no sense she'd ask you to call her back in five minutes then flake
out...unless she didn't even bother to ask you your name when you got
her number. That's not only a clear sign that her interest in you
wasn't effectively stoked up before you went for the digits, it's
also what stereotypically leads to women answering "mystery
callers" and quickly wishing they hadn't. That would explain the
"5-Minute Factor".
On the bright side, I do have to give both of you credit for the
right number landing in your hands though. Somehow that worked in
your favor initially.
But if she was really interested in you, she'd be diving on that
phone of hers every time it rang like Cosmo The Hairless Terrier
dives on hot dogs flung by toddlers from the dinner table. Think
about it. Wouldn't you if you'd met someone truly exciting the
night before?
But all of that said, if she's sitting behind you in class every time
the prof calls roll, my educated guess is that she knows who you are.
So she got the call. She flaked on you. Then she toyed with you in
class, and left early anyway...without further communication.
Face it...she's a gamer.
If she was so "sorry" she could have picked up the phone and
RETURNED YOUR CALL sometime after she had this epiphany in class,
huh? But she hasn't.
Unfortunately when we get a solid case of "one-itis" we often try
way too hard not to see reality when it's staring us in the
face...or, um...when it ducks out of class early. (Feel free to
consider that a bad pun if you go to U of Oregon.)
Repeat after me...NEXT!
Cheers,
Scot
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SHE HAS HER CAKE AND EATS IT TOO, BUT NO DESSERT FOR YOU
Hi Scot, well I'm just giving this a try and see how it goes,
I've dated some girls, not a lot like the amount you guys talk
about, but enough to kind of know what I want. I'm 32 years old,
consider myself a good-looking guy, funny, caring, smart, athletic,
and many more attributes. My friends tell me I'm such a waste,
cause they see that I could attract a lot more women than I do, but
approaches are tough for me. Anyway I was staring to go out with a
couple of girls, with no interest of dating anyone long term until
I felt I got my game in order, and by a really interesting twist I
took a job modeling as a favor to a friend, never done modeling
before, and the money was good so I said why not? If anything at
least I'll meet some models and practice on them. And sure there
where the usual 10 types--great lookers, terrible personalities.
But then one showed up. This one was not like the others. She
wasn't the most beautiful or better body, she looked very normal
and with something that just captivated my attention like no other
girl I've ever dated. I felt very strongly about her and this was
really strange for me.
So I asked her out, had a great time, then again and again, and as
time passed I just fell in love with her. She was everything I was
looking for, like the famous "this is the one" type, but there was
something weird every time we go out had a great time and at the
end behave kind of defensive. So I thought it was 'cause she works
as a model, she has to be sure I was serious about her, so I told
her that she could trust me, and I wasn't going to play with her.
And then she told me she was on this long distance very
relationship with some other dude. I know he's not right for her
based on some stuff she told me, but she said that she didn't want
to tell me about him 'cause she was really interested in knowing me.
But she couldn't finish her relationship with the other guy 'cause
of all the time, and bla bla bla, all this crap that she really
didn't tell straight out what it was. So I thought "no big deal",
I'll pull the big guns and she'll see the big difference. So I did
all the things I learned from DYD and your stuff and other
material, and she kept going out with me, having a great time,
being very comfortable with me until the end of the date or the
time with spend together. And every time I tried to kiss her or
get closer she pulled away and become kind of cold. I started to
feel a little like I was in Groundhog Day, or 50 First Dates...great
start, great date and really crappy finish.
Now any other girl I would of just said "screw this and move to the
next". The problem with this one is I feel we are so perfect for
one another for the long run so I can't get myself to blow her off.
At the same time I can't take it anymore, but her porcupine
attitude (you know soft on one side and on the other...ouch) is
driving me crazy, any words of wisdom and experience?
Sven (Sweden)
Hello Sven:
First of all, glad you are enjoying the material and that it has
helped you. We love hearing that.
Having read DYD and my materials, I'm sure you realize that you
have to give the woman the "gift of missing you". In this
situation, as difficult as it sounds, you are going to need to tell
this woman that you are not going to stand in the way of her
relationship with her "boyfriend" any more. Then, you seriously
let go.
Am I crazy to tell you this? Not at all. Here's why.
Right now she gets to "have her cake and eat it too". She gets her
long-distance boyfriend PLUS someone to hang out with locally. So
you end up being the "sexless boyfriend", which is like being the
"JBF" that you actually *do* want to be friends with...odd as that
sounds. You can get what you want out of this situation, but you
have got to be a MAN first and tell her you will not put up with
the duplicity.
Ironically enough, that display of leadership and strength may be
exactly what she has been looking for to feel confident choosing
you instead of the other guy...once and for all. She needs to know
you WANT this, but also that you will also not put up with the
current situation.
Here's one final thought. Who would you REALLY rather be in this
situation, you or the other guy? Believe me...he's a lot more
concerned about you than you are about him.
One caveat, however. I'm also assuming that the LDR she's in is
non-exclusive by design. Otherwise she's a cheater...run away.
Be Good,
Scot
=====
SWEET BEGINNINGS AFTER THE BITTER END
Hi Scot and Emily,
I heard Emily's interview w/ Amy Waterman and was introduced then
to more of your work together. I was impressed by your thoughts and
have subscribed to Keys To Bliss.
I also really enjoyed Scot's booklet (Get What You Deserve) and
plan to read it all! But I do like the audios as a favorite media
as I can listen to them while I drive or sort papers, do laundry,
and the like. I too am a single mom of 3, for 10 years, now. I have
a wonderful man in my life but I am not sure if he thinks of me as
"just a friend, always and forever".... he too has a son, my
youngest son's age (10). I am a confidante for him and I know he
knows that he can depend on me and trust me and we have good
chemistry between us. I also know he is a man I can count on and
trust and think the world of! ...and that he needs healing time
from his own bitter divorce, but will it be obvious to me if he is
not interested in anything more from me and is searching in other
waters?
Thanks for your help and guidance,
Carolyn (Canada)
Hello Carolyn:
Thanks for your kind words. Welcome.
Regarding your man, if he is newly divorced he'll need some time,
probably. The feeling that he has is likely a strange sensation
that he feels he's cheating on his wife by seeing you. This is
really weird for him, but he'll get over it.
Prepare yourself for a time or two in the early stages where his
sexual performance is nonexistent...now you'll know why.
I won't discount that he's going to need even more time to be
exclusive, however. Oddly, he'll either need A LOT of time for that
or he'll need ZERO TIME for that. It's all about the extenuating
circumstances of his divorce and what his personality type is.
And NEVER assume exclusivity unless specifically discussed.
By the way, the audio version of Deserve What You Want is indeed
coming. It's on the "short list" of things to get done right now.
Cheers,
Scot
=====
TOO MUCH CONTENT?
Dear Scot,
How and why do you write such long e-mails? Also, do you think
that people read all the material in them?
Bruce (CA)
OK, Bruce. That's a fair question. So here's a fair answer:
How: With all my heart.
Why: Because I'm passionate and very prolific.
Do I think?: The only hint that I have is that A LOT of people
have signed up for Emily's newsletter and listened to DatingCast
on their cell phones. LOL
Cheers,
Scot
=====
Be Good,
Scot
=====
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ONLINE DATING PROFILE RATING IS NOW OFFICIALLY TEAMED UP WITH
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PODCAST PHONE NUMBERS TO LISTEN IN ON:
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