[X&Y] Reader Questions: "It’s Probably Not Far Off 'One-itis'"
Published: Thu, 12/20/07
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com
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IN THIS EDITION: How about we completely re-arrange some
established "pickup" advice? And while we're at it, let's
re-arrange some "mainstream" dating advice too. Plus, "Kudos From
Albania"...
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And now, on to your questions and comments...
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READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS
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WHEN YOU FIND A GREAT WOMEN YOU LIKE MORE THAN ALL OTHERS AND WHO
LIKES YOU BACK, DO WHAT ANY SELF-RESPECTING PUA WOULD DO: BREAK UP
WITH HER (?!)
Hi Scot,
First like to say, really enjoying the products. I don't buy online
without strict circumspection and this has paid off. I've been
listening to the "pick up" sort of info for months now. I started
with [withheld]. His stuff was useful because it helped me put me
first if you know what I mean. The only thing is that I think he's
got a serious chip on his shoulder. In any case, I arrived at you
and find that your perspective is closer to what I believe, or
would like to believe.
Anyway I've got a question.
I'm currently "casually" seeing a girl from home. I go to college
in a different place to her so I only really see her at the
weekends. Although we are not exclusive, since I've been with her I
find that I'm not really interested in any other girls. There are a
few problems with this because I know the wisdom in not putting my
eggs all in one basket. I am wondering what to do because I am
also finding my confidence reduced and my insecurity about this
situation increased--although I know enough not to act needy or
anything like that, even if I'm feeling it. I think from her end,
she probably thinks that everything is fine and it's just fine and
casual. But do you think I should end this relationship if it's
causing internal (and imagined) distress even if I like her and she
likes me? It's probably not far off "one-itis" (shudder LOL) but the
thing is she likes me too.
If I am to end it I would want to do so in as masculine a way as
possible, if that is possible. How would that even be done? There
can be no reason to end a decidedly good situation except for me
wussing out! That throws masculine out the window LOL.
Anyway, I'd appreciate any advice you'd have.
Cheers,
Gordon (Belfast, Northern Ireland)
OK, thanks for bringing up a great topic, Gordon.
Here we arrive at an issue I see A LOT based on "seduction
community" teaching. Unfortunately, the objectively basic "paint
by numbers" approach of teaching beginners how not to screw up with
women leaves very little gray area (as does "paint by numbers" in
real life, I suppose).
As such, the teaching includes such pearls of wisdom as "avoid
one-itis", "don't give your power away to women", and/or as you
mentioned, "don't put your eggs in one basket".
All of this is nice entry-level advice if you are a supplicative
wussy-boy who tends to fall in "love" with anyone female who
actually likes him and can fog a mirror.
The problem arises when we take this kind of teaching in too
generalistic a sense. What happens then? A guy like your or me
meets a woman we like very much--much more than the others we've
dated. And she likes us back...a lot. So we BREAK UP WITH HER?
This is the part where somebody scratches the needle across the
record while the music's playing...bringing it all to an abrupt
stop with a "WHAAAT?"
If she lives where home is for you, and you see her every weekend,
I'm hard pressed to call this a long-distance relationship, so I
think you should be GLAD you've found a woman you can potentially
keep around long-term. And she apparently likes you back. THIS IS
NOT A BAD THING. In fact, this is what most guys DREAM OF.
I mean, going to college and experiencing the feeling that the only
woman you really want is the one YOU HAVE? That's about as good as
it gets, and ALMOST NO GUYS ever get to have that in their lives.
Why am I so sure about what I'm saying? Many years ago I was in
your situation almost exactly. Instead of manning up, I BROKE UP
WITH HER because my own weakness/jealousy pissed me off. Not only
did some other guy snag her up literally THE DAY AFTER we broke up,
he married her. And last I checked in the "alumni news" section
she was still married to him with three kids.
That was a great woman...and I screwed up.
So when I met Emily two years ago, you can bet I didn't make the same
mistake. I let all the other women in my life go--BY CHOICE--and have
not looked back.
After all, I dated enough to know what I wanted. And when she showed
up, I didn't have room in my schedule anymore for the other women I
had been dating.
This is all about HAVING 100% CONTROL over your dating life and
having the FREEDOM to make the decisions YOU WANT TO MAKE...when and
only when the TIME IS RIGHT by your own standards.
Quote: "There can be no reason to end a decidedly good situation
except for me wussing out!"
So thereby you have my support for an answer you've already
provided to your own question. You don't sound like a man who is
weak. You sound like a man who is hypersensitive about LOOKING
weak.
Fair enough. Why not LEAD as a man, then, and go make sure you
deserve what you want from your relationship with this woman and make
it happen. If it doesn't work out, you at least exercised an option
that was yours.
And my guess is that you'll be strong enough a relationship manager
to continue making long-term decisions from a position of strength
even if it's within the context of a long-term exclusive relationship.
If in doubt, what will help you remove any shadow of it is this:
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/virtuosity
Be Good,
Scot
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YET ANOTHER CHANCE TO RE-FRAME THE "RULES OF SEDUCTION"...
Hey Scot, On Sunday I called a woman I met on the train. I was
wanting to set something up, so I asked her if she was free on
Tuesday night (I probably should have just asked her out on Tuesday
night and gave her the first right of refusal) anyway she didn't
know when she was free this week so she said she would call me. She
didn't seem like she didn't want to see me though.
Anyway she didn't call, so I called her yesterday after work, and
she apologised for not calling, she was apparently very busy. We
had a nice conversation on the phone, but it came to the point
where she said she couldn't go out this week cause her mum is going
back to china (for how long I don't know) so her mum wants to be
with her every night this week. But she didn't know when she is
free next week. So she said, "So how should we do this" in regards
to who should call later on. I told her that as soon as she finds
out when she is free to give me a call. (Now I know I probably
should have taken the lead and told her I would call on a certain
day) I feel as I have now given my power away on the phone...
TWICE... is there any recovery from this? If later on in the week I
called her would it come off as needy as I told her to call me?
How would a great man act? I was trying to use the frame of the
chooser not the chaser, but it's really hard to have that mind
shift. Any advise would be very much appreciated.
Thanks mate,
Darrell (Australia)
Oh not at all...you are doing MUCH better than you think.
Quote: "So she said, 'So how should we do this'"
That is a clear indicator of interest. When a woman shows
eagerness towards making firm plans with you in any way, you can
assume a strong likelihood that she is legitimately trying to make
it work. Contrary to some of the more "black and white" teaching
approaches out there (which is--again--admittedly what some newbies
need), some women actually DO have commitments for the next week or
so and/or REALLY CAN'T make either of your suggested times.
How you handled it was perfect. You offered leadership by
suggesting a couple of good times to meet. When she couldn't make
any of them and had no visibility, you demonstrated rather clearly
that you aren't going to keep "chasing". Simply put, you can't get
inside a woman's head, flip a switch and MAKE her decisions for
her. If she's not giving you anything to hold on to, telling her
you aren't going to keep calling her and for her to call you back
when she's got this figured out is fine.
One thing guys forget is that women royally screw up as much in the
dating world as men do. And make no mistake, I see behavior just
like hers from women all the time. Women will call Emily having
habitually related to guys the way this one is relating to you--and
wondering out loud why men "never call [them] back" and why they
"talk to lots of men but never go out on any dates".
A big part of all this is allowing human margin for error in women
versus taking things so personally (and so SERIOUSLY). From there
we not only give ourselves a much needed break, but we become MUCH
better at measuring character in women. See how that works?
Cheers,
Scot
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...AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT, WHY NOT RE-FRAME SOME "MAINSTREAM" DATING
ADVICE TOO?
Hi Scot,
I'm real interested to hear your take on this.
I am a 50 yr. old man, who has been out of the dating scene for a
while. I am ready to get back in, but I have been suffering from
some thyroid issues that make me extremely tired at times. I have
always been a robust guy, been active and athletic. I am otherwise
in great shape for my age. What I am concerned about is I want a
woman who is active, but until I get my health challenge handled, I
probably wont be able to keep up with that kind of woman.
Should I wait until my health turns around before dating so that I
can deserve what I want? Or should I go ahead and date now and
mention my situation only to women who I date more than a couple of
times?
This is a bummer because there are times when even a low-key date
like dinner and walking around a mall can wear me out.
All the Best,
Milo (Glendale, California)
Hello Milo:
Often times, you'll find mainstream dating advice that admonishes
you to pretty much "wait out" all of your excuses before
pronouncing yourself "ready" to date again.
Well, the very last thing you want to do is wait until conditions
are "perfect" before dating again. The obvious reason for this is
that there will ALWAYS be some sort of limiting belief you'll be
able to come up with. But the more subtle reason is that sometimes
what we think are major issues aren't so much to women.
I clearly remember telling myself shortly after my divorce that I
needed to cut 30 pounds before I could expect to date. It took a
few months to do that, and I indeed didn't date during that time.
Women indeed enjoyed my company when I did start dating, so I
initially felt pretty good about having waited. But the crazy
thing is that I ended up gaining the weight back (no thanks to
focusing on my social life rather than going to the gym, which is
another newsletter altogether)...and I didn't see any less interest
from women. If anything, there was MORE interest--probably because
of what had been happening in the self-development/"inner game"
realm.
So yes...get back out there and meet some women. When you choose
to tell them about your situation is dependent upon each individual
scenario, I'd say. But I would agree that it's not first-date
conversation. Nothing medical is.
Be Good,
Scot
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THE KIND OF SUCCESS STORY WE'RE LOOKING FOR AROUND HERE
Last Thursday was my employer's holiday party. Everyone was there,
including coworkers and significant others thereof.
I remembered what you said about "is there anyone else in the room
you'd rather go home with?"
My girlfriend looked absolutely AMAZING all dressed up. I caught
myself gawking at her then and there. A couple coworkers were a
little more attractive than I see on a daily basis (overall, I have
fairly attractive coworkers), and a couple guys had attractive
girlfriends/wives...but my woman stood out among that whole crowd.
The manager I'm working for right now told me how cute she
was...three times.
Not only did everyone there like her, but she hit it off with the
wife of the partner who's doing my performance review. Needless to
say, this is a Good Thing.
Jeff (Ten-Plus graduate--Boston, MA)
Yes, I definitely talk about the rush a man can feel from having
the most amazing woman in the room at his side everywhere he goes.
Now you know that feeling. And as you've just figured out, this
goes WAY beyond looks. It's what having a great woman in your life
does for you. And the best part is that she probably feels the
same way about the effect you are having on her life as a great
man. It would appear that you're both absolutely deserving what
you want. I predict great things.
Great job.
I may just have to hire you as a trainer for my Boston seminars
someday. No joke.
Be Good,
Scot
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MAKE THAT 131 COUNTRIES...AND COUNTING
Dear scot
sometimes j am on my day sometimes not or so! differnt kind
situation and day too!
as far as learnd from yr lessons had to be my self.but here in
albania different culture ancient it works and states too
life is short try to livit any moment as it comes to me.good lack
body
Toni (Albania)
I have nothing useful to respond with here, other than to agree
that what we talk about around here will work wherever you are in
the world. Mostly I just wanted to prove that I got an e-mail from
Albania! Thanks for your message, Toni, and welcome.
You know, I'm growing more and more determined to get a newsletter
subscriber from Antarctica somehow. Lately I've been even
considering doing a geographically-targeted Google Adwords campaign
until it happens. When it does, my new tagline will read "Readers
On All Seven Continents"...LOL
Incidentally, I hear someone out there wondering: Albania is
second on the list alphabetically. Afghanistan is in the house,
and has been for some time.
Be Good,
Scot
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