[X&Y] How To Get What You Want Without Feeling Selfish
Published: Thu, 01/24/08
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IN THIS EDITION: We don't want to be categorized as "selfish".
Yet, the only way to get the success with MOTOS (Members Of The
Opposite Sex) we envision for ourselves is to actively go make it
happen. Nobody is going to altruistically bestow wild success upon
us on our behalf, when you get right down to it. Find out how to
get what you want in a way that actually creates attraction AND
promotes admiration.
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HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT WITHOUT FEELING SELFISH
I gave serious thought to naming this week's bit "The Selfish Man's
Guide To Success With Women". After all, that's really a fitting
title.
But the problem is that nobody wants to be cast as "selfish", do
they? Of course not. Yet, the truth is that if you didn't spend
considerable time attending to your own needs and wants, you would
be in no condition to make a philanthropic dent on society, would
you?
Anyone who has ever bought a commercial airline ticket and used it
has heard a flight attendant's pitch to deploy one's own oxygen
mask before assisting the younguns. Oh yeah, and "breathe
normally" while doing so, will you?
Even Mother Theresa was really doing what she most wanted to in
life. And she also fed her own face every once in a while too, I'm
sure.
What I'm getting at here is that I've been hearing a lot from guys
lately who are having a common problem. Essentially, the issue
seems to surround wanting to "not break any rules", "stay socially
acceptable", "fit in with the crowd", and so forth.
And what's happening is that these guys end up standing passively by
while OTHER GUYS come for the women they have their eye on (or even the
ones they LIVE with). Yet, they are averse to trying to push the
envelope a bit because that would be too...uh..."forward", or something.
Meanwhile, at that last speed dating event, six of these guys were
probably standing around before things got rolling chit-chatting
amongst themselves about this exact topic while the seventh guy was
already leaving with the one attractive woman who showed up.
Isn't stuff like that against the "speed dating rules of etiquette"?
I mean, how rude and selfish of guys like that to come around and
assert themselves with all the particularly sharp women, huh?
OK, guys...here it is: It's time to stop being a martyr. You're not
being benevolent and unselfish by neglecting to assert your alpha
position in deserving the greatest women.
And guess what, you're not doing any favors for the women you
persist in "settling for" either.
What you ARE doing is FAILING TO DEPLOY.
You're not only keeping your self from success in the name of being
"Mr. Nice Guy", you are STEALING SOMETHING from great women
everywhere.
In your heart, don't you feel a twinge of frustration knowing that
certain fantastic women out there would be better off with you than
the mediocre guys they themselves have been "settling" for lately?
There's no doubt about it in your mind, yet you still refuse to
impose your will.
That would be selfish. Or possibly confused with appearing too
"needy". Or something like that.
Now before you get too animated, you know me well enough by now to
know that I'm not talking about stealing people's spouses or
anything else that's from the "dark side". It's just that it's
time to reframe this notion of what "selfishness" really means and
how it can become a scapegoat for artificially limiting ourselves.
We all know that MANIPULATION is to be avoided. Most of us
understand that manipulators, by definition, operate purely from a
motive of getting as much of what they want from others with as
little personal investment as possible.
Under the guise of friendship and an umbrella of flattery, the
manipulator guilt-trips an unwitting subject into handing over personal
favors and perhaps even physical items of far greater worth than what
has been extended.
Yeah, that's pretty selfish stuff. And once exposed for what it
is, manipulative patterns and the purveyors thereof tend to be
summarily looked down upon with disdain by society.
And last I checked, "society" was made up of roughly 50% women.
Contrast that entire concept with AMBITION. One who is ambitious
could be described as knowing what he or she wants, and having the
confidence and the plan to transform goals into realities.
If true to their focus, such individuals tend to go on to become CEOs,
heads of state, cancer survivors and/or perennial all-star point
guards.
We love stories of ambition and those who author them. And we love
watching ambitious people succeed--especially when the odds are
against them.
But make no mistake: Ambition is still all about an individual and
his or her personal desires.
So what gives? Selfishness? Manipulation? Ambition? What's the
difference?
First of all, in order to break free from backing off from the kind
of women we want to deserve (or the career, adventures, friends,
etc. for that matter), we have to stop using "selfishness" as an
excuse to cover up what's actually pure FEAR in most cases.
Social martyrdom is typically nothing more than a cover-up for
insecurity and flat-out worry.
MANIPULATION is the low-road because therein selfishness exists in
a vacuum. We're talking absolutely zero concern for the needs and
welfare of others. It's ALL taking, all the time. What's more,
the manipulator betrays a common knowledge of right vs. wrong by
attempting to mask intentions.
Meanwhile, AMBITION leaves room for others to come along for the
ride to success. Implied is an over-arching goal to make sure
one's life MATTERS. Also implied is the desire to succeed in a way
so as to make the world a better place in a way only he or she
uniquely can.
Sure, there can be a fine line. Some people can become somewhat
destructively selfish in the name of ambition, most definitely.
For example, Lance Armstrong's particular brand of ambition
conquered cancer and enabled surreal athletic achievements. But it
also has repeatedly steamrolled anyone close to him.
Ultimately, it comes down to this: Manipulation drives great women
away because it is ultimately rooted in sniveling weakness.
Ambition, on the other hand represents the direct approach. He who
is ambitious openly states his intentions in broad daylight and
exerts the power and leadership to reach goals.
And ambition, therefore, is like catnip to women.
Ambition, simply put, transcends "selfishness" by directing one's
vision for success in a path that leads to great things. Others
want to be in on that. And make no mistake, great achievements are
predicated upon it.
Leadership, confidence, having a plan for success. That's pretty
much what women want out of a man. And that's why guys who break
the speed dating rules (for example) get the girl. Sure, they put
their needs ahead of others...but not ahead of the women they choose
to invite into their lives.
So where do you stand? Are you watching from the sidelines so as
not to "impose" on anyone?
If so, I fully understand how unraveling all of what we're talking
about here can be a real challenge. I've been there. But I know
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you think.
Are you ready for a character-based approach to attracting great
women that does away with manipulation and trickery once and for
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Be Good,
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P.S. Be sure to check out the blog. I've got another new post that's
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