[X&Y] Are You Getting Better With Women Despite Yourself?
Published: Wed, 02/13/08
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IN THIS EDITION: As we start enjoying better success with women,
how can we really be sure what got us there? Things may not always
be as they seem...
Note: The VIRTUOSITY offer featuring expanded 1-on-1 time with me
is BACK. See details below.
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ARE YOU GETTING BETTER WITH WOMEN DESPITE YOURSELF?
In the wildly popular book Freakonomics, authors Steven Levitt and
Stephen Dubner make the case that there are often hidden reasons
for various phenomena in life, often going way beyond "conventional
wisdom", defined as the most convenient logical assumption.
That is to say, cause and effect aren't always as obvious as they
appear.
Having given this premise some thought, I believe that as guys it's
not only theoretically possible--but altogether probable--that when
we begin to improve our success with women we could completely miss
exactly what the root cause of that newfound success really was.
Let's face it. What red-blooded guy among us doesn't have the
inherent need to pull the machine apart and figure out what makes
it work?
The primary problem with defining what it is that is helping us get
better with MOTOS is that very few if any of us make changes one at
a time.
Typically, we'll make the decision to do something about a history
of mediocrity with women and start "field testing" all sorts of
stuff rapid-fire. As a result, we are left with lots of variables.
It's kind of like this.
One of the necessary tasks when you are a guy like me who is
passionate about increasing dating success for people everywhere on
a global scale is having a Web site that delivers the message you
want as effectively as possible.
Most of you who know me by now can easily figure out that I am a
dating coach first rather than an Internet marketing guy. That's
probably a good thing, except that I'm still left with the task at
hand, huh?
So I've studied up and gotten some input from very key "Web
marketing" types.
In the process, and much to my chagrin, I've learned that certain
things like giant headlines in red, "Tahoma" font cause people to
keep reading.
Further, things like annoying, unblockable popups cause people to
find free bonus episodes of "X & Y On The Fly" on one's websites
tons better than even a screaming yellow banner at the top of the
page. Crazy.
But also, there are certain aspects of what "works" on web pages
that confound even the seasoned pros. The answer? Test, test and
test again.
There's one caveat: Test only ONE THING AT A TIME, or else you'll
simply never be able to figure out what exactly worked.
Indeed, like the principles of Freakonomics, the pitfalls of
testing more than one change at a time are even more complicated
than they seem at first glance.
Quite possibly, if you test several things at once and see good
results, you may in fact be seeing super-sized results from one
change you made--while the others may have in fact had a detrimental
effect.
But seeing a net positive result overall, you assume all the
changes were the right ones.
Holy fright, dude... What if applying what we learn about getting
better with women is like that?
One of my guilty pleasures is getting Emily to listen to various
interviews, podcasts, etc. with guys on how to get better with
women--just to get her unsolicited response.
I typically play one or two for her on road trips or hand her my iPod
on flights just to see what happens.
Recently, I played an audio from a guy who talked of having a life
of pure frustration with women...until the day he was finally fed up
enough and decided to make wholesale changes.
He had been utterly terrified of women for years, and automatically
assumed none would ever like him as a defense mechanism from having
to approach any of them.
After years of self-rejection (which we've talked about around here
as perhaps the most painful form), he pledged to put aside all
trepidation and start talking to women and asking for phone numbers
REGARDLESS of the outcome.
In his mind, nothing could be worse than status quo. And to get
himself ready for this new direction, he proceeded to change his
style accordingly.
He bought t-shirts with decidedly sexual sayings on them. He got
himself a rhinestone-encrusted belt buckle with a scrolling LED
message on it.
On top of all else, he enacted a policy of talking about sex with
women as soon and as often as possible...every time.
All of these sweeping changes were made immediately...and therefore
simultaneously.
And guess what? He started meeting women. And having sex. A lot.
In describing his success and making recommendations to Average
Frustrated Chumps everywhere, he wholeheartedly recommended that
guys do what he did.
He told the listening audience that women "rolled their eyes" at
some of his actions and attire, but it was all a front...they
obviously really loved it all.
Out of nowhere, as the whole audio program was truly warming up to
a crescendo, Emily blurted out, "Wait! Pause it for a second."
In the suddenly resulting quiet, she looked at me incredulously and
finally gathered the words, "This could have been a thirty second
program."
After another pause, she elaborated.
"It was the confidence. Purely. The 'peacocking', the blatant
propositions...that's NOT why he's succeeding. Women are just
putting up with that because his confidence is irresistible. I
mean, he said himself that women 'roll their eyes' at him. People
just don't 'roll their eyes' when they are attracted to someone."
Then the clincher. "I wonder what kind of women he's getting this
way. Are they actually the women he wants?"
With that I resumed the audio. The very next portion of it
flat-out creeped me out.
The guy had been hanging out mostly with strippers and other
"professionals". Yet, he claimed he was pretty sure he could get any
other kind of woman he wanted--he just hadn't gotten around to that yet.
Let me tell you, that was all collectively a real eye opener.
And then it hit me.
Can we actually begin to succeed with women DESPITE OURSELVES?
The guy in the audio program was definitely pleased with how he was
doing these days with women compared to how things had gone in
years past.
I wondered how much greater success was out there for him were he
able to get a handle on how the various components of his makeover
had actually worked in his favor...or not.
But the problem is that unlike with something concrete like a web
page, it's all but impossible to apply what we learn "one step at a
time" when we're talking about something as entirely subjective as
"getting better with women".
So how do we get a handle on whether the various things we do are
helping...or the opposite?
Fortunately, I don't think it's impossible to sort out.
Accordingly, here are some concrete ways to assess your overall
scenario in this regard:
1) What is the REACTION of women to what you are doing? As much as
you've heard about how women test us and hold their cards close,
don't fool yourself into believing that consistent negative
reactions are somehow "code" for positive results.
2) Is what you are doing designed to bring the women into your
life you actually WANT? Are you using pickup strategies designed for
bars and clubs to meet women at, say, church? Or vice-versa?
3) Are your strategies congruent with who you are as a man? Does
what you do feel natural, if not yet comfortable? Do you feel you
are sacrificing integrity or even IDENTITY in a quest to get better
with women?
4) Are your results consistent and transferable, or are you only
succeeding in certain circumstances and/or only with a certain type
of woman that may not fit your ideal?
5) Similarly to #4 above, do you know the changes you've made to be
generally applicable to succeeding with women or are they only useful
for attracting a "niche" among women (e.g. Masculinity and
confidence are pretty much universal. Getting a cool tattoo is
attractive to some women, but not all.)
6) What is the input of people you trust? Look for patterns in
what they are telling you. The best indicators you receive will be
both subtle and unsolicited.
Improving one's skills with women is important...arguably the most
important undertaking of your life.
After all, even your very spirituality can be strengthened or
shaken based on the quality and compatibility of the women in your
life.
So then, you've got to make the commitment to getting your skills
with women handled so you can begin to enjoy what every deserving
man should: the companionship and adoration of great women.
When I first envisioned VIRTUOSITY, I saw it as an organized,
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YOU need to get the women YOU want in YOUR life.
Simply put, I wanted YOU to be able to pick and choose what worked
for YOU to get to the goal YOU have in mind.
The last thing I wanted was to automatically assume that what
worked for me will work for you. Or that what I've wanted in life
is exactly what YOU want.
To that end, I got as many world-class voices on dating and
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Valentine's Day is tomorrow. You've capitalized on what I shared
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Either way, the future is ahead of you and starting February 15th you
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If you've been reading this newsletter for a while now, you know
that deserving great women is NOT a passive endeavor. Take the
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And I'll be checking in with you again soon...or maybe even talking
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Be Good
Scot
P.S. Here are two testimonials from guys who took advantage of
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P.P.S. Yes...if you have Online Dating Domination, you can upgrade
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