[X&Y] It's Not You. It's Her.
Published: Sat, 01/05/08
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com
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http://www.edumckaytion.com/blog
(www.edumckaytion.com/blog)
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IN THIS EDITION: Approaching MOTOS (Members Of The Opposite Sex)
is challenging enough for most people without added complications.
In many cases, BEING approached can be equally challenging. So why
is it that nearly all of us go out of our way to derail ourselves
in a very common and identifiable way when it comes to this stuff?
Check out a reader's experience and find out how to stop derailment
in its tracks...for good.
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IT'S NOT YOU. IT'S HER.
Scot,
Just encountered the following scenario. Didn't have a plan in
hand so I skipped it. As follows:
Went to the corner coffee shop for lunch, it was mostly empty at 3
pm. In the back of the shop an attractive woman was sitting alone
at a small table working on her laptop. She looked very stern,
preoccupied. It looked like a tough challenge so I sat down at a
different table and went about my lunch. What is the correct
approach when someone doesn't appear to want to be approached?
Maybe the best approach is to catch her later.
Thanks,
Rich (Chicago, IL)
You know, the fact that we coach both men and women around here has
proven to be highly interesting at times. I'm becoming more and
more amazed by how useful the coaching we give men is for WOMEN to
overhear, and vice-versa.
And indeed, the NUMBER ONE issue we get from women without a guy in
their life at the moment is "Why won't guys talk to me?"
Assuming there's no easy explanation based on mental health,
hygiene and/or congenital resemblance to a Wookiee, the answer is
ALMOST ALWAYS because they simply don't make themselves
approachable. Stern expressions. Cold demeanors. Always too busy
(or flat-out oblivious to her surroundings) to even potentially
realize that someone else may want to strike up a conversation.
Sure, some of these women have boyfriends, are married or simply
are not interested in being approached for whatever reason. Yet
the fact remains that others literally have no idea what non-verbal
messages to "stay away" they are sending.
A similar issue is how women act completely cold on first dates so
as not to appear "needy" or "slutty" and then wonder why guys never
want second dates. News flash: It's not necessarily because all
men are "sex obsessed dogs". All too often a guy doesn't ask for
the second date because he thought the woman was disinterested and
therefore didn't risk the potential "rejection" of asking!
Certainly by now, guys, you know that I'm a consistent proponent of
"manning up" and talking to whichever women you'd like. It's not a
"contest". It's a "conversation". Your manhood is not on the line
every time you make a well-formed attempt to speak to a woman whom
you've never met.
And for certain it's also important for guys to take leadership on
dates.
But sure, each of us is far from perfect--more so at some times than
others, unfortunately.
Even so, it's all too easy for a guy--or a woman, when the shoe is
on the other foot--to assume he or she has "messed up" every time
things don't go according to what's envisioned. But that's not a
reasonable assumption. It's a simple truth that sometimes the
person you'd like to meet could use to work on his or her social
skills.
So the important takeaway is that what you encountered today was
HER PROBLEM, not yours. That's important to understand. If
someone doesn't seem approachable and/or even friendly, why should
anyone even care to "bother" him or her? Right?
I mean, "stern, preoccupied" people suck, huh? Conversation
involves two people. Otherwise, it's just a "versation".
If you really were hell-bent on talking to her, my approach would
have been to call her out directly on how she's coming across,
preferably with a wry smile. Example: "You know, I'm wondering if
under that cold, focused exterior there is someone who's actually
friendlier than she looks." Or, "Oh come on...life can't be THAT
frustrating, can it?"
Should she immediately smile and "loosen up", then you'll have a
nice chance to meet a woman who may very well have no idea why men
are so "intimidated" by talking to her. In such case you'll set
yourself apart from the masses of "everymen" straightaway, and
she'll have no choice but to be a bit intrigued.
If she bites your head off, you simply CANNOT take it personally.
If she is rude or unfriendly toward a warm, confident person who is
being appropriately outgoing, it's HER problem.
Remember "TGR-R" (The Golden Rule--Reversed), as talked about
several newsletters ago. Would you ever treat someone the way
she's treating you? If the answer is "never in a million years",
then you deserve better.
In that case, yes--catch her later...much.
Be Good,
Scot
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So what about you, ? Are you meeting the kind of MOTOS
(Members Of The Opposite Sex) you really want to? It's not at all too
late to make a new year's resolution to stop limiting yourself from
approaching and/or being approached.
One of the best ways I know of to do that is by putting the obstacles
of the past behind, knowing what kind of MOTOS you want to meet,
becoming a person who DESERVES what he/or she wants, and then going
out and MAKING IT HAPPEN.
And the plan for that is exactly what you'll find in my book
Deserve What You Want. Have you read it yet? If not, it's time to
stop wondering what's limiting you from experiencing a wildly
successful dating life. Instead, take the FIRST STEP to never,
ever settling...ever again.
Guys, your minty-fresh copy awaits you here (along with an armful
of bonuses):
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/men
Ladies, your version is hot off the press (YES...this is new):
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/women
Prepare to be challenged in a way that will excite you...and be sure
to enjoy the stranger-than-fiction testimonials from others whose
lives have been transformed. Make sure to take advantage of the free
month of Power Sessions or Keys To Bliss also--it's almost like
hiring Emily or me as your personal dating coach.
Oh...and for those of you who are proud owners of an online dating
profile, there's an all-new post on the blog that builds upon today's
theme of being "warm and confident". Be sure to check it out using
the link at the top of this page. Your profile pictures may never
be the same...
Be Good,
Scot
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QUICK NOTE: The Chick Whisperer Episode #17 entitled "Do Great Women
Even Truly Exist?" is now available as of this very morning. Rion
Williams co-hosts.
Get The New Episode:
http://feeds.feedburner.com/thechickwhisperer
To Find Out What Rion Is Up To These Days:
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/rion
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