[X&Y] Should You "Fake It Until You Make It" ?
Published: Fri, 01/11/08
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com
(www.deservewhatyouwant.com)
http://www.edumckaytion.com/blog
(www.edumckaytion.com/blog)
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IN THIS EDITION: As guys, we already know that we need to step
up and be men in order to attract the kind of women we truly want.
Passive, wimpy behavior and handing over our masculine power on a
silver platter doesn't cut it. But then what's the deal? Is it like
if we ever slip up--even once--we've blown it?
If that thought has ever crossed your mind (and for whom hasn't it?)
you'll like what I'm about to tell you...
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SHOULD YOU "FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT", OR VICE-VERSA?
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QUESTION FROM A READER
Hey Scot,
Just finished listening to your most recent Power Session on crisis
management - that was awesome material - I look back at all the
mistakes I made in past relationships, and now it all makes sense
after listening to this.
One question I have for you is about how this woman I was in a
relationship with was shocked about how I was so calm about
everything. When this girl and I were together, she was like, "How
are you so calm?" Like when my car broke down, or when she thought
she was pregnant and she wasn't, but I remained calm and kept my
composure and she couldn't believe it. Even when we were apart for
long parts at a time, and I couldn't see her, I still kept my cool
and was very calm. She kinda made me feel guilty because she said
she felt that I didn't show any emotion, and like I wasn't human.
Should I have let that worry me?
But the fact was that I eventually broke down and lost my composure
because we had been going almost 2 months without seeing each other
after we had been seeing each other once a month for about 4 months
straight. So tell me, this doesn't apply in my situation does it,
would you be able to keep your composure in this situation? I'm
hard on myself because I felt I should have, especially after you
say to "never lose your composure", but doesn't that happen to us
all?
Bradley (Strasburg, VA)
Thanks for your message, Bradley.
Taken in context, the concept of "never losing one's composure" is
ultra-important when approaching a woman for the first time and
certainly on first dates. But rest assured, I think it's
unreasonable to hold yourself to an "iron standard" of never making
mistakes...ever. Certainly there is no mistaking the value of
consistently demonstrating the decidedly masculine traits of having
things handled, being emotionally strong and secure, and--of
course--being unshakable as often as possible, especially early on.
But here's the curious part. After the initial "evaluation
process" between you two has resolved itself, it can actually be a
GOOD THING for you to make a mistake or two along the way as far as
all of this is concerned.
Now we're not talking about major meltdowns, temper tantrums or axe
murders here. Those will be instant deal-breakers in the minds of
the vast majority of great women every time--and rightly so. But
what if you get cut off in traffic? Drop something heavy on your
foot? Maybe even have to deal with an unexpected face-to-face
meeting of her ex-stalker...errr...boyfriend?
Here's the deal. The question in a woman's mind is, "What's Real?"
whenever she meets a new guy. Everyone is on his or her best
behavior up front. But what's really under the hood? A woman
wants to know from the second you are introduced to her whether or
not you really are a MAN. From that moment onward for a period of,
say two weeks to two months (depending on how much time you spend
together), she's paying careful attention.
If you've played your cards right, you've presented yourself as the
confident, masculine man who can literally ignite her femininity.
But is that who you really are? Women have seen men fold under
pressure right and left before their very eyes. What she's looking
for is a comfort level that you are who you've appeared to be.
For the majority of women (or at least the emotionally healthy ones
I've interacted with), at the very point when she is convinced you
truly are the "real deal", the die is cast. It's like a point of
magical acceptance. The tests tend to ease up. Your leadership is
welcomed more warmly, sometimes in very dramatic fashion--maybe in
the form of complete sexual surrender. Attraction isn't so easily
lost.
And, importantly, the wildest of transformations occurs within your
relationship at that point. From there, a misstep here and there
when it comes to one's composure kind of actually gives the woman
some relief...she finds out right then and there that you are
"human". This actually takes an immense amount of pressure off of
her to be "Ms. Perfect".
Why is this important? Well, yeah, you may have been perfectly
okay with an occasional faux pas or emotional overreaction on her
part...so wouldn't such a mindset on her part be overreaction?
Perhaps.
But remember, YOUR LEADERSHIP MATTERS.
To presume that you, as a man, must maintain a surrealistically
unblemished attitude for all time is not only unreasonable, it'll
seriously fry the circuits of any woman who tries to attempt a
relationship with you. It would be too much for ANYONE to live up
to...actually even YOU, big guy.
And the best news is that once you've gone ahead and "broken the
ice", your relationship may actually get STRONGER.
As for whether I would have kept my composure in your situation,
who can know for sure?
By the time Emily and I had known each other for about a month, I
had effectively maintained my masculine composure pretty well. And
similarly, she had been the stunning vision of femininity all the
while.
But I'll tell you, in our real world scenario there came along one
day where work didn't go so well. I went to her house to pick her
up, very ready to go have a cold one at our favorite place. But
Emily proceeded to take exceptionally long to get ready. Although
she had asked me how the first outfit she tried on looked, and I
had answered honestly that it looked great, she proceeded to
continue changing clothes until I was nearly sure she had gone
through her entire closet. It was then that my impatience got the
best of me. Nothing catastrophic happened to speak of, but a firm
request to put the first outfit back on and leave the house with me
ASAP would have been sufficient.
Still, I had that all-too-familiar twinge that I had really screwed
up. I had been "found out"...the jig was up. And it bugged me for
hours, even though Emily appeared to have graciously let the matter
go.
Finally, later that night I admitted to her that I would like to
have handled that earlier situation more effectively. Her response
was unforgettable: "Well it was about time you let your guard
down. I feel now like I can make a mistake or two along the way
and it won't be a big deal. There has been a lot of pressure to
keep up with you, you know."
It's 100% true: If you REALLY are a man, once your typical pattern
of behavior is recognized as authentic by a woman, you can show
some human imperfection here and there--and it's a WELCOME TWIST on
things.
That said, as always you know I have to challenge you by shining a
light on the other side of the equation. And here it is:
Unfortunately, this dynamic works EXACTLY THE SAME WAY when the
opposite is true.
Here's what I mean.
Contrast what we've talked about above with a guy who happens to
get a "routine" or "opener" right, and attracts the woman
initially. The harsh reality is that if he's actually a "wuss", he
is going to be exposed as less-than-suave sooner than later. Once
she finds that out, the rest is a matter of course: He's toast.
Again, it's all about where the consistency is.
Are you a man whose core is masculine and confident, despite the
occasional human error here and there?
Or are you "faking it until you make it", attempting to cover up
with pre-fabricated techniques?
Believe me when I tell you that most women would much rather you
"make it until you fake it", for what it's worth, as described
above.
And when it comes right down to it, isn't that a lot less pressure
on you anyway? Deserve what you want...and rest easy.
Be Good,
Scot
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Does Bradley in Virginia's situation resonate with you, ?
If you're like any other red-blooded guy (including me) it most
definitely does.
These kinds of "high quality issues" really do present themselves
only when we've first learned how to deal only in the top echelon of
women.
Believe me, it's immensely rewarding to invite the highest quality
women into your life and have them ACCEPT. From there, it's all "fine
tuning" when it comes to going from good to GREAT with women.
Take an honest look at where you are today.
Are you dealing in "high quality issues"? Or...are you at a place
where you are realizing what's really at stake when it comes to
getting your skills with women in order once and for all.
Here is an undeniable truth: Whether you are sitting at home alone
night after night OR going out with five different women per week,
you may be either CLOSER to greatness or FURTHER from it than you
think. Some guys simply need to recognize and harness that which
is latent within them. Other guys are simply fooling themselves.
Do you really, truly know where you stand? If you are not quite
comfortable with your answer to that question today, it's time to
take the bull by the horns.
And the best way to find deeply personal answers and thereby
fast-track a wildly successful dating life with great women is
through direct 1-on-1 coaching. That's why I created the Ten-Plus
program--specifically to give you a REAL PLAN of action for getting
from where you are today to where you really, truly want to be.
Or do you believe you have just one major sticking point? You
might be correctly guessing that getting over it would
REVOLUTIONIZE your success.
Perhaps you have a woman in your life who you think is slipping
away...and you want to DO SOMETHING instead of passively waiting for
inevitable bad news.
Have you moved to a new country and want to experience the kind of
success with women you enjoyed back home?
If so, let me tell you that I have recently redoubled my focus on
giving you the kind of personalized consultation you expect and
deserve...even as other "dating gurus" sequester themselves in
"ivory towers". Emily and I are both ready to be put to work for
you, and as of RIGHT NOW that includes options for VIDEO COACHING.
We can also now capture every coaching session on MP3. It's like
having a fully customized "advanced series" produced especially for
you.
Make today the day you will forever mark in your calendar as the
day you MADE A DECISION to say "enough is enough" and to finally
start attracting the right kind of women in your life. Find out
more about how at our newly-updated dating coaching portal:
http://www.dating-coaches.com/
We are still the only dating coaches who back your success with a
100% guarantee...even for Ten-Plus. And we've yet to issue a single
refund. Why? Because when combined with intuitive attention to
your specific needs what we teach flat-out works...for men and for
women, and regardless of where you are in the world.
Be Good,
Scot
P.S. You can also find each of our innovative coaching options,
along with all of the other books and programs at your BRAND NEW X
& Y Communications online store. The very Power Session Bradley
from Virginia was raving about is still available free with any
purchase (including $7 Seminars) until the morning of January 15th.
Back issues of Power Sessions are also newly available, complete
with bonuses. Check it all out here:
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/store
P.P.S. There's a special VIDEO message for 2008 from Emily and I
at the blog. Also find out why she thinks I hung the moon. More
video blogs are coming over the next few days, and
they're...um...interesting, to say the least.
http://www.edumckaytion.com/blog
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