[X&Y] The Real Cure For Neediness, Clinginess And Manipulation
Published: Wed, 03/12/08
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IN THIS EDITION: If you are serious about truly deserving what you
want instead of settling for mediocrity, today's newsletter could
be the most foundationally important one I've ever written. As
such, be advised this one is more in depth than usual...but WELL worth
the read.
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HOW SOCIAL SKILLS REALLY WORK
When we talk about social skills as it relates to attracting high-
quality MOTOS (Members Of The Opposite Sex), the conversation
typically centers around a very finite number of variables.
Most of these variables involve polar opposites with regard to what
we as individuals DO and DON'T want evident in our public-facing
persona.
For example, most of us would rather not resort to manipulation in
order to get what we want in any aspect of life, especially as it
pertains to women.
And true to deserving what we want, we absolutely positively don't
want to BE manipulated either.
Further, most of us who aren't psychopathic by nature want to be
seen as generous towards others in thought, word and deed. You
know--the kind of person who makes everyone's life just a bit more
fulfilling and exciting just by being around.
But we'd rather not become everyone's doormat in the process, either.
Perhaps most of all, we dread being "needy" or "clingy" and
therefore perceived as someone who is an approval seeker. After
all, those who SEEK approval are typically viewed by others as the
most starved for it, and therefore those LEAST deserving of it
naturally.
Yet...every normal red-blooded human being walking this planet
desires to be loved...and therefore "approved", by definition.
Ironic, isn't it?
Indeed, we hear ideas about the individual importance of all of
these different concepts bantered about every day, from any and
every corner of the wide world of "dating advice".
But what we encounter FAR LESS OFTEN is talk about how all of those
factors INTERRELATE.
It's relatively easy to dissect each facet of human interaction and
describe it in a vacuum. And you bet that can be valuable
conversation.
But without the ability combine all of the right moves into that
ever-elusive state of "effective social skill", we flat-out will
NEVER be able to attain maximum ability to deserve what we want.
So today, once and for all, I'd like to draw all of those
components together for you and demonstrate how they interact...even
as WE interact with one another.
Because, you see, I believe this is where the "light bulb" is going
to go on for many of us.
Much of the time the advice you read about not being needy,
avoiding clinginess, and eliminating manipulative tendencies plays
something like a Nike ad: "Just Do It". Putting practical
concepts behind such ideas can be elusive.
But we've recently discussed practical steps toward actual,
tangible confidence (Real Confidence) and masculinity (Power
Sessions, VIRTUOSITY) in our programs for guys, and today I'm going
to give you the same level of actual, tangible answers regarding
the topic at hand.
Last night I was on the phone with one of the guys who is about
midway through the Ten-Plus program. He had brought up an
interesting issue earlier in the day via e-mail:
"I have realized that all the things I have done to make the
changes that I've been making have been for the purpose of
obtaining positive responses from people. Perhaps what I've done is
valid, but I did it to be liked. I did it to try and manipulate
things, namely how people perceive me."
When I called him and started listening to more about what he was
getting at, it occurred to me that he actually felt a bit guilty
about his newfound ability to elicit very positive reactions from
people thanks to recent changes in social habits.
What threw me was that he used the word "manipulate" to describe
how he felt he had brought all of this about.
But when I finally grasped exactly what he was feeling, I
simply--non-eloquently--stated, "Dude, you aren't a 'manipulator'
simply because people are giving you the type of social approval
you've always desired. You have every human right to be
appreciated--to be approved of. We all want that, and it's not at
all a negative thing to enjoy the logical, natural results of being
generous, giving, and downright cool towards people. And there's
no GUILT in being a magnet for MOTOS."
The words were more of an epiphany to him than I could have dreamed
while I was uttering them.
And the more we discussed, the more the social concepts that
repeatedly vex those who struggle with women (and indeed all things
social, in many cases) started coming together before our very eyes.
In reality, being AUTHENTIC about wanting to make the lives of
those around you better NATURALLY begets approval from those around
you.
Others appreciate your social demeanor towards them, and happily
reward you. And enjoying that reward, in a very real way VALIDATES
your actions towards others.
It's like a self-perpetuating cycle, loosely related to the
good-old Golden Rule: You become a man who enriches the lives of
others, and your life is enriched to a greater degree.
The secret to success, from a social standpoint, is all in the
nature of the outward intentions you have and your ability to
execute upon them
Take ANY aspect of this level of social interaction and throw it
into disarray, and the entire house of cards comes crashing down.
Here are the four possible sides of what I mean:
1) Offer unconditional validation and goodwill while rejecting
validation and goodwill from others
Become a DOORMAT, therefore, and open oneself to easy manipulation.
As my friend and I discussed, this can even come off as arrogance,
as oddly tragic as that sounds. No matter what, there is no
respect for the "giver".
The polar opposite of this state of affairs would be...
2) Feign unconditional positive concern for others, while the real
intent is purely selfish gain
This is the very definition of social manipulation.
Now consider the two ends of the spectrum at large...
3) Little positive concern for others, little concern over personal
gain.
This illustrates lack of self-respect, and therefore an inability
to respect others. This is the stuff personal hopelessness and
despair is made of. The "house of cards" has been flattened.
And finally...
4) Genuine unconditional concern for others, expectation of
positive response from others.
This is, by definition, what "mutual respect" is all about. In
order to truly respect (and therefore enrich) others we MUST hold
our own measure of self-respect to a golden standard. We do not
allow ourselves to tolerate mistreatment by others, even as we
treat others fairly and reasonably.
The "house of cards" is transformed into a "tower of power" at this
point.
Do you see now how all of that (respect, approval, neediness,
selfishness, selflessness and manipulation) works together ?
If not, read this newsletter several times until it starts to make
sense. Doing so could illuminate your ability to deserve what you
want more than most people will ever comprehend.
Just for good measure, here are some other thoughts that my friend
and I discussed on the phone...all pertinent.
1) A "needy" or "clingy" approval-seeker's primary problem is that
he is still in his own head, rather than considering others first.
"Neediness" means he is preoccupied about getting his own needs
met. The one who is willing to prioritize GIVING validation over
RECEIVING validation is the one who is more likely to GET
validation and approval. This is because such approval is a REWARD
rather than something that is demanded.
2) Similarly, RESPECT cannot be demanded effectively anymore than
approval. He who respects himself enough to NOT be a doormat, can
respect others accordingly. The desired level of respect is
therefore naturally "earned" in a "bloodless coup" of sorts.
Contrast this with "badboy" guys who "command" respect through fear
and intimidation. The "respect" afforded them is hollow, and
therefore unfulfilling...especially from women.
3) "Manipulation" is the fake "shadow" of effective social skill.
It's an imitation, exactly as "pickup techniques" are an
"imitation" of genuine manhood in a social context with attractive
women. The manipulator should only expect to effectively
manipulate "doormats", who will have no real foundation for
bestowing respect, as we've already noted. In other words,
"manipulation" cannot bring about genuine respect or approval...only
disingenuous imitations thereof.
4) The manipulator is "self-serving", which is a perversion of
"self-respecting" in every sense. The manipulator's mindset is not
evolved enough to realize that ham fisting one's desired results on
one's own terms can only--at best--result in the effect the
manipulator himself envisions. Meanwhile...
5) ...He who respects self and therefore others finds that his social
rewards are lavished upon him by others on THEIR terms, which very
often exceeds imagination's grasp...and typically BETTER and MORE
EXCITING than any outcome that could have been manipulated. So by
definition, this experience far exceeds any potential hollow
"fulfillment"
And ALL OF THE ABOVE, when considered together, should describe
once and for all why the sex-focused man complains that women are
"dead lays".
Similarly, now you have a clear picture as to why the man who
provides leadership with confidence, direction and--most of
all--genuine positive concern is the one you'll NEVER hear
complaining that there are "no good women in [insert your country
here] nowadays".
He operates with a clear conscience. He naturally draws the
adoration and respect of those around, especially highly desirable
MOTOS. It is he who understands how it is a man becomes a
"chooser" versus a "chaser".
He deserves what he wants.
More and more, I'm hearing questions from guys just like you that
center around a common theme: You're SICK AND TIRED of being told
that "band-aids" and "quick fixes" are what make a guy successful
when it comes to having the dating life you want.
You know there's more to life than "pickup" and "seduction", and
you're ready to find out once and for all what "deserving what you
want" REALLY means.
For the vast majority of you, what you want is FULL CONTROL over a
SUCCESSFUL dating life.
And more than that even, you want to be able to find the GREATEST
WOMAN you've EVER MET.
The question remains, however: Will you be able to ATTRACT her and
DESERVE her when you find her?
Frankly, I know there are bunches of women out there reading this
also, and your concerns are similar.
Today you've been given a MASSIVE piece of that puzzle in the form
of taking effective ways humans relate to each other--and the
understanding thereof--to a whole new level.
But you know as well as I that becoming someone who is SERIOUS
about never, ever settling for less than you want is a process.
And every single bit of practical know-how takes you one step
closer to that incredible state of deserving what you want.
For most people, that is something that eludes them for an entire
lifetime.
But getting there doesn't have to be nearly as difficult as it
appears. All it really takes is a ROADMAP.
That's EXACTLY what I had in mind when I created VIRTUOSITY...a
complete ROADMAP to becoming the kind of man who owns his dating
life, instead of vice-versa.
We're talking the KILLER TOOLKIT for fast-tracking your success as
a man who can and DOES attract the highest-echelon of women on this
planet.
Sound like an unreasonable goal?
Maybe so.
And I FULLY REALIZE that some of you reading this e-mail RIGHT NOW
will let that simple excuse become a lifelong "limiting belief".
But it doesn't have to be that way.
Right now you stand at a crossroads.
Remain "comfortable" with mediocrity, or run the relatively short
distance necessary to rise above the masses of guys who refuse to
"ask for directions".
It takes courage to deserve what you want. But as you've already
caught a glimpse of in this newsletter, the man who gains
understanding has more to gain than he may even imagine.
And it's true...having a GREAT WOMAN in your life transcends amazing
sexual fulfillment. It offers fulfillment in a myriad of other ways
also.
But to make "no choice", is essentially the same as choosing
mediocrity. After all, life is what happens around you while you
are making "other plans".
This week, I'm making it easier to get in on VIRTUOSITY than ever
before.
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You know that over four-dozen world-class teachers have contributed
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You even know that I am personally involved, underwriting
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New video has been added this week, and there are at least three
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No matter what, we've got your back.
There's a common experience shared by just about every man who has
experienced VIRTUOSITY: They go boldly forward, never looking
back. The bar is raised quickly when it comes to quality women,
and it keeps getting raised higher.
I look forward to showing you exactly what that's all about, starting
today.
And I'll talk to you again soon.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
P.S. As promised, new Online Dating Profile Rating and The Chick
Whisperer podcast episodes have been unleashed since the last
newsletter. Find and subscribe on iTunes, and please leave a
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