[X&Y] Avoiding Awkward First Dates
Published: Sun, 02/24/08
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IN THIS EDITION: A reader wonders how to frame asking a woman out
for the first time, and also brings up the question of what exactly
to do during those potentially awkward moments when she "excuses
herself" from the table when you're out. Get ready for some
decidedly "out of the box" answers...
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QUESTION FROM A READER
Hi Scot,
I listened to the February Power Session on "Telecom Game" during
the gym yesterday and got some new perspectives from it. Thanks
again.
I have a couple of questions, the first of which came up while
listening yesterday:
- During the initial stages of getting to know a new woman and
going out on dates, is it best to frame the invitation (from me to
her) with an emphasis on she and I getting together (and make the
thing we'll actually be doing a mere decoration around us), or make
the invitation one emphasizing the activity itself?
That is to say, in your experience, is it better to make it an
invitation to spend time together, or to do a particular activity?
Hope that makes sense.
- Perhaps an odd question, but one that I've always wondered about.
When on a date, say at a lounge for drinks or at a restaurant for
dinner, and the woman goes to the restroom, what's the best thing
to be doing when she's coming back?
I always find this awkward because you're just sitting there, really
with nothing to do, and it feels like I'm powerless in a sense during
those moments. I'm sure, having dated a lot yourself, you've
developed an approach that works well for you. I'd like to hear what
it is.
Thanks a million. Best regards,
Isaac (Australia)
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Hello Isaac:
Great questions. Probably the best I've gotten all week.
The overarching theme here is not to think too hard about ANY of
what you are mentioning here. If you over analyze this sort of
thing, it'll spin yourself into "analysis paralysis" and the
resulting insecurity will bury you regardless of which way you
go...every time.
To answer your first question, I'd recommending a "both...and"
approach instead of an "either...or".
In other words, it doesn't have to be positioned as EITHER something
cool to do OR a chance to hang out with a cool guy like you.
It's kind of like asking if you should press the clutch OR shift
the gears when driving. See what I mean?
And it doesn't have to be a huge production of an event, either.
In fact, the likelihood is that a natural setting doing something
that normal people do anyway will be much more amenable to getting
to know each other more effectively anyway.
Try something like: "Hey, I'm planning to go to the Bombay or Pier
One to pick out a new lamp for the living room. I could use a
woman's insight. How about you join me?"
It doesn't really matter where you are going and what for, as long
as it isn't too downscale (e.g. To the Circle K...) or creepy
(...for some Preparation H).
Of course, it goes without saying that avoiding lounges and
restaurants altogether obviates your second question entirely.
There's no such thing as "waiting around doing nothing" in these
"natural settings" like the example I mentioned above.
In fact, I'd pick her out something completely silly that you'd tell
her with a straight face is "perfect for her" when she returned from
the ladies room. Ha!
But if you do end up finding yourself alone at the table in a
restaurant twiddling your thumbs anyway, here are several ideas:
1) 20/20 foresight says to plan early dates at fun, easygoing
places. Lots of guys--especially ones who haven't figured out how
women really think yet--plan expensive first dates at "romantic"
restaurants.
Your example is but one of myriad reasons why high-pressure first
dates with a serious tone are a rotten idea.
It's all about finding out whether you genuinely get along with a
woman or not during the early stages, not about attempting to
manufacture "romance" where none exists (yet).
That said, I'm not going to at all discount the raw horsepower of a
dimly-lit romantic hideaway of a place when it comes to setting the
mood, but this is about timing. And first dates especially are
RARELY the best timesfor such.
Instead, pick a place that has big TVs, a cool jazz band playing or
(especially) something interactive going on like Buzztime trivia.
Then, when she excuses herself for a few minutes you're otherwise
occupied...and naturally so.
2) Anticipating the potential awkwardness of the situation you
described, you may also pay careful attention to positioning.
Maybe sit at the bar instead of a big old sloppy booth. That way,
there's social interactivity built in.
3) If you're tell the waiter or waitress you aren't bailing on
check, you can use the opportunity to excuse yourself from the
table for a health break also.
Make sure she didn't leave valuables behind if you do this (and don't
take her purse with you if she left it there, either!)
4) Or, you could...(wait for it)...STOP GIVING A RAT'S BE-HIND
how you look.
Believe me, the Awkward Turtles are likely swimming around in her own
aquarium simply because she felt a little silly excusing herself to
begin with (unless...uh...she did so specifically to plan the dreaded
"escape call", but you'll find out the answer to that question shortly
thereafter anyway).
Seriously, though. Stay casual and relaxed. "Powerlessness" in such
an instance is simply "insecurity" in disguise. Be patient, and if
possible don't make it blatantly obvious that you're scoping out
the "scenery" elsewhere.
Remember where the conversation left off, and resume it when she
returns as if nothing happened.
Be in control. Be a man who is comfortable in his own skin.
Bodily functions happen. You don't look dumb because she needed a
break.
Your mental state will lead hers naturally. And if you still need
a visualization, consider how this would go if the shoe was on the
other foot.
Would you return from the men's room to find her sitting there
casually waiting and think, "Wow, she looks like a total idiot
sitting there by herself...no second date for her."
Of course not, man.
Thanks again for the outstanding questions.
Be Good,
Scot
=====
If you are like me, you can relate to what Isaac is talking about.
Modern day dating "protocol" has turned the perfectly natural
concept of a guy and a gal getting to know each other into a
full-scale "dog and pony show". (Don't ask me which is the dog and
which is the pony in that analogy...it's too complicated a question.)
In any case, guys are almost always left wondering how to ask women
out and where to take them should they accept. Meanwhile, women
are left to feel slightly creeped out when guys try too hard to
"impress" them.
Despite what the media tells us, most women really just want to
know if there's a MAN in their midst or not.
And believe it or not, most of the time all the "major productions"
that first dates are typically made of can actually get in the way
of that if not flat-out BACKFIRE.
Isaac mentioned the February Power Sessions For Men program on
"Telecom Game". You can get that for NOTHING when you get your
hands on literally anything you want at the X & Y Communications
store (including VIRTUOSITY, even with the "xy35off" coupon).
But If you haven't yet read Deserve What You Want, it's time.
No other book I know of can prepare you to rise above even the kind
of "high quality problems" that we address in this newsletter and
make the best of springtime and all the women who are looking for a
real man to ignite their lives.
You can be reading it (or listening to "Telecom Game" first, if you'd
prefer) within minutes from now:
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/men
Some of you out there---men AND women---have been asking if you can get
a free month of the OPPOSITE GENDER'S perspective (be that either
Power Sessions For Men or Keys To Bliss for women) if you are
already subscribed.
I think that's a CAPITAL IDEA...and if you see clear value in that,
you wouldn't be the first. So ladies, here's your version of
Deserve What You Want:
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/women
Which reminds me...Emily's new program for women---Click With Him---is
all set for WORLDWIDE RELEASE this Thursday, February 28th.
If you think of it as Emily's own VIRTUOSITY / Online Dating
Domination for women, you're half right.
The format will be similar (including all the flexibility and the
dynamic additions on a regular basis), but all the information is
custom-tailored specifically for women.
I'll tell you...most guys, were they a fly on the wall for this, would
learn AMAZING "chick whispering" skills. That's all I can say on the
matter for now.
Be Good,
Scot
P.S. If you want in on Emily's newsletter, send a blank e-mail to
emily@aweber.com and you're in. There's going to be A LOT of
action to be had there this week, as you might suspect...
=====
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