[X&Y] Dealing With Poker-Faced Dates: Is She Interested Or What?
Published: Thu, 02/28/08
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=====
IN THIS EDITION: How do read someone's level of interest in you on
a first date? Sometimes it seems practically impossible to do so,
doesn't it? Here are some real solutions...especially for those who
are meeting MOTOS (Members Of The Opposite Sex) online.
=====
QUESTION FROM A READER
Hey Scot - I hope all is going well.
I'll jump right in with the question and situation.
On a first date how do you handle a situation where you can't tell
if she is interested in you at all? As was the case with a
Match.com date last night...
Here is the scene: Last night I had a match date. We meet for
drinks and free bread at an Italian restaurant. We sat at the bar,
watched pizza dough being thrown, and sipped on our drinks.
It was laid back and casual...not a stuffy, high pressured 1st
restaurant date that you advocate against. I've taken several 1st
dates here and this place has proven for me a good get to know each
other spot.
Here is crux of where my question is coming from. She did a few
things to make think she was interested, and she did a few things
that made it seem she was not interested.
THE GOOD THINGS: Ran her fingers through her hair several times, A
few times I was able to sustain a long warm smile on her face while
talking to her.
A few times she would spin on her stool directly at me and lean in.
Several times I gave her some really good chuckles that made her
relax and warm up. Sometimes she was warm.
THE NOT SO GOOD SIGNS: She talked a lot about her problems with
finding the right guys. She talked a lot about wondering if
something was wrong with her At one point she was asking me general
advice on how to let a guy know she is interested with out coming
on too strong...
You know Scot these type of questions are something a woman would
ask a platonic male friend, and at times this is exactly how I felt.
My gut feeling is sort of telling me that she is lacking attraction
for me.
At the end of the night, I walked her to her car. Hug and kissed
her on the cheek. I'm not scared to go in for a real kiss, but only
when my guts tell me to.
As for me: I am motivated to see her again for 2 reasons. 1) She
turns me on physically. 2) She seems that she may have the level
of character I am looking for in a woman.
This is my plan: Call her tonight and thank her for driving out to
my town to meet me. Let her know that I want to see her a 2nd time
to better find out if there is a mutual connection...
What are your thoughts? How would you better "test the waters" to
find out if the attraction is mutual? Also feel free to check out
her match.com profile: [withheld].
Thanks!
Dennis (Duluth, GA)
=====
Thanks for the e-mail, Dennis.
She's a cutie. A "girl next door" type.
She also hasn't been active on Match.com for a WEEK. That's good
news for you. She's not diligently searching on Match.com for the
next guy to go out on a date with.
And a week may as well be an eternity in the online dating world.
No woman who is getting any attention whatsoever online (let alone a
lot of it as this particular woman is probably getting with such a
well done profile)can resist checking in for more than forty-eight
hours...max.
This is all field-tested, by the way
In fact, based on what you've told me thus far, it's ALL good news
for you.
When I began reading this e-mail I thought you were going to start
talking about a woman who gave absolutely no indicators of interest
whatsoever. Stone faced with detached / closed body language and a
"hands off" attitude.
But here you have a woman who is giving VERY classic signs of
approval and indeed flat-out attraction.
She's engaged in the conversation.
She's smiling and laughing...even leaning in--that's a solid one.
Playing with her hair isn't necessarily as foolproof as some
believe it is, but the old David D. idea of her letting YOU touch
her hair IS. I'd try that next time, when the time is right.
And there WILL be a next time if you follow the plan you mentioned.
I'd leave out the part about seeing if there's a "mutual connection"
and simply let the fact that you are inviting her to see you again
do ALL the talking. There's really no need to couch it in
"formalities", if anything that artificially (and unnecessarily)
injects awkwardness into the situation.
Here are two key ideas to keep in mind when reading a woman's level
of interest on a first date:
1) Most women aren't going to be "all over you" on first dates.
The unfortunate social stigma of being "forward" aside, women are
just as interested in NOT appearing clingy, needy and/or
straight-up desperate as men are (or should be).
Beside, they LOVE when a man can take the lead (Note: This is not
to be confused with "chasing". True leadership is in fact CHOOSING
vs. CHASING--she's typically waiting on YOU as a man to make decisions,
even as far as the progression of the relationship is concerned.)
2) Be very careful categorizing 'friendly' conversation as a bad
thing. The PROBLEM with "Just Be Friends" is the word "Just", not
"Friends".
A lot of dating/seduction advice for men seems to talk about
"avoiding friendship".
This is an unfortunate overreaction to pandemic neediness and
wussiness on the part of many men.
Truth be told, a woman can discuss what's on her mind with you in a
casual, matter of fact manner just like she would for "platonic"
friends and still very much be wildly hot for you under the
surface.
In fact, creating a friendship with her is CRUCIAL, otherwise there's
nothing else there BUT the sexual attraction.
The difference-maker between "JBF" and the desired result is quite
simply your masculine ability to ignite femininity. That's the
ingredient that creates attraction.
Without that, the conversation might turn to asking your opinion on
guys she IS attracted to...and I'd agree that's not a good sign.
But let's back off from the general principle at play here and take
a closer look at your specific situation for a second.
She's talking about questions SPECIFICALLY related to being
attractive to men and SHOWING ATTRACTION towards men.
My educated guess is that she knew EXACTLY what she was doing, and
was actually fishing for your impressions of her...AND all the while
seeking out your input on how she might show her interest towards
you in a manner you'd find appropriate.
So maybe she wasn't quite able to contain the "needy impulse" as
much as you might have thought, after all.
I'm wondering how you answered her questions, and--more
importantly--did you give her something she could ACT UPON? If
so...did she?
I hope you didn't miss any of that if it happened right there in
the moment. Once again, it's difficult for us guys to get outside
our own heads sometimes.
By the way, remember the stone-faced "hands-off" chick from a the
beginning of this e-mail? You can't judge a book by its cover even
in those situations.
Sometimes women are very, very cautious--both with their actions
and their words. They may be protective because of past
experiences with unworthy guys, or they may just not have the kind
of personality that shows attraction so obviously.
These women, ironically, are often the ones who come to Emily
wondering why they don't get asked on second dates!
Usually the answer, of course, is that guys don't consider there to
have been any interest on her part...even though under the poker-faced
surface, there was PLENTY going on.
Generally, lack of decided DISINTEREST means a lot in the overall
sense. The big test is if such a woman goes on the second date.
If she's there, she remains at least somewhat
interested--regardless of her signals.
This assumes, of course, that the main attraction on such dates is
you--not how much money you're spending. But that's not what's
going on in your case. Great job taking her someplace casual and
with a fun atmosphere.
You are doing a lot right. Keep it up my good man.
Be Good,
Scot
=====
Once again, Dennis is dealing with a "high quality problem". And
I'll tell you what, going out on first dates with people we meet
online really is a BLIND DATE every single time.
This is essentially true even if we're just doing the quick Starbucks
"eval meeting".
Getting a read on people we've never even met before apart from a
few e-mails and a phone conversation or two can be a real
challenge, can't it?
Online dating is an incredibly powerful tool for meeting amazing
people. If you don't believe me, check out some of the recent blog
posts I've done on how to write e-mails to women online. I'm more
impressed than ever with how incredibly desirable a lot of these
women are that you guys are going after out there.
But even so, there's a major factor to consider: The big "decision
maker" that separates the over 90% who are quitters from the small
percentage who enjoy ALL the online dating success for themselves
comes down to ONE thing.
Ready?
It's KNOWING HOW.
By now you fully realize that whatever "natural game" means, I'm
more on that side of the fence than anything having to do with
tips, tricks or techniques.
In my mind, if you are a man of solid character who has a simple
understanding of what women REALLY want from a man (e.g. Can you hold
her and tell her everything is going to be okay...and MEAN it?) then
you WILL succeed with women where those who attempt to "fake it 'til
they make it" are left wondering.
But online? There you really do have to learn the ropes. There's
just too much margin for error in a world where there's a sea of
faces in direct "competition" with you, and practically ZERO margin
for error as far as non-verbal communication goes.
If you can look at it a different way, though, you find that that
sea of faces in the crowd is really more of a faceless throng...once
you realize how boring and generic most people's pictures and
profiles are.
Moreover, there's a sea of MOTOS (Members Of The Opposite Sex) out
there too. And when you stand out from the huddled masses, all of
the sudden online dating becomes a sea of CHOICES instead of
COMPETITION.
This morning Emily released her long-overdue Click With Him program
for women. Think of it as Online Dating Domination for women, and
you're on the right track.
But online dating is such a DRAMATICALLY different experience for
women than it is for men that Emily and I knew from the beginning
that we needed to produce completely separate programs.
One of the coolest features of Click With Him is the full-length
video detailing every single nuance that made Emily's Match.com
profile great.
And I'll tell you what, any of you ladies reading will have your
WORLD ROCKED by that profile.
Between that video and the other videos that Emily is GIVING AWAY on
her web site your online dating success should be doubled by tomorrow
morning.
And that's no understatement.
So guys, who am I to let the women have an advantage you don't?
Right now, in the Online Dating Domination Member's Area there's a
forty-minute long video containing step-by-step analysis of EVERY
SINGLE DETAIL of the exact, unedited profile that was bringing a
5'7 guy in his late thirties (namely me) up to 80% response rates
by the time I retired it.
And the only reason I "retired it" was that I had met a woman who
was getting over 100 e-mails per day's worth of online dating
success in her own right, and decided she was the one for me.
If you have Online Dating Domination (or VIRTUOSITY), go log into
your Member's Area and get your hands on it.
If you DON'T yet have Online Dating Domination or VIRTUOSITY, the
bar has once again been raised as you can see.
Are you still on the fence about this? What would it be like for
you to start actually realizing that what we keep talking about
around here in terms of meeting the women you really want to meet
and having full control over a wildly successful dating life IS FOR
REAL?
If I can repeatedly get e-mails from guys who have been online for
as long as SEVEN YEARS and still dateless...and others from guys who
sent out OVER 150 messages with ZERO responses, then I know a lot
of you are feeling some frustration towards online dating and may
be ready to throw in the proverbial towel even as I type this
message.
I'm telling you--the ONLY difference between you and the THREE
PERCENTERS online is KNOWING HOW.
That's it.
Need proof? Here it is: I WAS DATELESS TOO until I figured this
all out.
That video in the Member's Area is the result of over THREE YEARS
of tweaking. And I'll tell you...Emily's is EVEN BETTER than mine
ever was.
There will be more videos to come. They're fun to make for me.
Next will be on "How To Conduct A Search". We may even do some
evaluating e-mails received, and/or detailing some outgoing e-mails
that WORKED.
What I'm offering you here is the chance to FIND OUT HOW this is
all done.
Some of the guys who QUIT online dating are the VERY SAME ONES who
meet plenty of women with little effort offline. And some of the
guys who get ALL THE DATES online are experiencing success with women
for the first time ever precisely BECAUSE of online dating.
They KNOW HOW.
Here's a plan for you. As soon as I hit "send" on this email, I'm
going to go modify the Member's Areas at Click With Him , Online
Dating Domination and VIRTUOSITY.
Getting a grasp on what I'm talking about here and finding out how
to succeed at online dating is SO IMPORTANT that I'm going to give
EVERYONE BOTH VIDEOS. Whoever you are, you are going to find out
what made BOTH PROFILES (Emily's and mine) work so effectively.
If you are on Online Dating Domination or Virtuosity already, go
get those videos now.
If not, here's how to get in on Online Dating Domination:
http://www.onlinedatingdomination.com
(Where I've added some new videos of my own with great online
dating tips)
But really, I've expanded VIRTUOSITY even more lately than I'm
talking about here...and that's the place to be:
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/virtuosity/special
Use "xy35off" as a promo code when you order, btw, and I'll give
you 35% off RIGHT NOW on EITHER program.
That's how serious I am about getting this information in your
hands. I'm all about ridding the world of online dating frustration.
And in case you are wondering, you WON'T SEE THE VIDEOS I'm talking
about mentioned on the web sites just yet. I straight up haven't
had a chance to add them yet. But they're in the Member's Areas
right now as "unannounced bonuses" for the next day or so.
If you have Online Dating Domination and would like to upgrade to
the full VIRTUOSITY program, I've now added that link to the
Member's Area. And I've made it easy.
And in case you haven't noticed, I'm living up to my promise five
months ago today to continue expanding the value of these programs
on a continuous basis. And I'm far from done, like I said.
And ladies, in case you're not on Emily's email list (blank e-mail
to emily@aweber.com solves that issue by the way), here's the link
to Click With Him.
Actually EVERYONE should see Emily's giveaway videos on that web
site...there are AMAZING secrets to be learned for both men and women.
http://www.clickwithhim.com/online_dating
Seriously, getting insight into what makes MOTOS successful at
online dating is probably just as valuable as learning what makes
our own emails and profiles great.
Wow...lots going on around here, huh? And there's more to come...I
promise.
I'll be talking to you again soon.
Be Good,
Scot
P.S. It's "Keys To Bliss Day" as well as "Click With Him Day" for
the ladies. Get anything you want from the store (linked to at the
top of this e-mail) and get a free month of Keys To Bliss for women.
Today's that special day when you can sign up for Keys To Bliss and
get two sessions within 24 hours of each other...all within a "free
month". It's like 2-for-1.
P.P.S. Some of you have been asking if you can go ahead and get a
free month of the other gender's version of the monthly series
(Power Sessions or Keys To Bliss) if you get something new from the
store but are already getting Power Sessions as a man or KTB as a
woman. Not only can I do that for you, I think it's a great
idea...and you wouldn't be the first to do so.
=====
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