[X&Y] Reverse One-Itis?
Published: Tue, 03/04/08
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IN THIS EDITION: If a dog chases a car, what does he do if he
actually CATCHES one? Who knows, right? Well, once you become the
kind of man who knows how to create attraction, you've got to know what
to do when you actually get the desired result...especially if you're
NOT exactly ready for an exclusive relationship yet.
NOTE: I've opened up TWO Ten-Plus spots. This is the complete,
guided coaching plan. If you have very specific goals that you
want reached, we can get that done together within 90-days. It's
guaranteed.
Read the second entry the blog (linked to above) for one of the
amazing "side benefits" on recent Ten-Plus grad experienced.
This is the FIRST TIME SINCE DECEMBER Emily and I have opened spots,
and if the past is any indication they'll go quickly. For more on
the Ten-Plus program, here's the place:
http://www.dating-coaches.com/
Now let's talk about a very specific concept that I've been hearing
a lot about from many of you lately...
=====
QUESTION FROM A READER
REVERSE ONE-ITIS
hi Scot
thanks for all the advise you give me, through your newsletter and
podcast. i truly appreciate having the opportunity to become a
better man and have more success with women and dating.
My problem however is the following:
I ve been seeing this woman for a bit more than a month now. I
started seeing here because she is really interesting and
beautiful. she is a bit older than me which is great, but I kinda
thought that it would prevent her from getting to much into me.
Well it didn't and although I was straight with her from the
beginning, saying that I did not want to be in bf / gf relationship
she wants to and she's pushing for it. she will see me without me
being committed, but i feel bad blowing her off from time to time.
she is really nice and i dont want to become the man who does not
care about her feelings.
on the other hand becoming a better me is time and energy consuming
for me and i want the freedom to learn and experiment at this time
of my life.
My Question is:
Is me thinking "I have to end this to protect her from getting hurt
and destroying the basis of a possible friendship" a limiting
believe?
Once I've been straight with her, do I need to trust her to make
her own decisions for herself? Or do I have to take responsibility
at this stage of our relationship?
Thanks for reading,
Maury (Lausanne, Switzerland)
=====
[Ed Note: Importantly, the following is NOT a gender-specific
answer. What we're discussing this time involves human nature,
purely.
And by the way, I've received SO MANY e-mails talking
about situations similar to what you're about to read, that I can
tell it's at the forefront of many or your minds.
As such, I've
posted another example (along with my answer) on the blog for you,
which again is linked to at the top of this (and every) newsletter.]
This is an outstanding question, Maury.
"Limiting belief" is usually a term reserved for a negative way we
view ourselves that others don't necessarily share. How's that for
a very simple working definition?
Having enough CHARACTER to sever a romantic relationship when the
woman is falling in love--and you are not--hardly fits that profile.
That's right...it's a HIGH CHARACTER move to tell a woman that you
believe that another man will appreciate her much more than you
ever could.
Some guys would keep stringing a woman along regardless of how her
feelings are affected--just as long as they are "getting laid" from
the transaction.
That's a POVERTY MENTALITY. Men with options, such as yourself,
should definitely take the lead when a woman is beginning to get
too emotionally involved.
If you don't share that emotional involvement, the only way to act
in everyone's best interest is to free her to invest her emotions in
a man who is more available in that regard.
This is no shame on you, BTW. Men fall in love too quickly with
women all the time, and women are usually pretty good about
severing things when appropriate.
Yet somewhere along the line we as guys often decide that women
"can't handle the truth". I mean, we REALLY don't want to make her
cry or anything.
Rest assured when I tell you that women are generally MUCH better
at handling the truth than we give them credit for. What's more,
they APPRECIATE TRUTH much more than being led on.
Delivering her the news in a way very similar to how I demonstrated
above (i.e. that another man will appreciate her more) is a solid
way to do so.
This is because it does not place a value judgment on the
situation, does not insult her, and does not make her feel as if
she isn't "good enough" for you. There's integrity and dignity in
that approach, both of which are imperatives.
Alternative ways to phrase it effectively could include, "I'm
freeing you up to find a man who is going to be more emotionally
involved, like you deserve", or "Ultimately, I believe there's
another guy who's better for you and will be everything you want
him to be."
I've used all of these examples effectively in the past.
Now with all of that said and done, you have to make sure that your
decisions are definitive. You shouldn't affect such a breakup
unless you are sure of your intentions (and the reasons behind
them).
As such, to turn back to her based on her desire to persuade you of
such must be something you decide against up front. Promise yourself
you'll stand firm no matter what happens.
Sure, she may get emotional. She may bargain with you in ways that
supersede any manner of "testing" she's ever put forth, which when
it happens is a breathtaking display of what happens when you don't
give your power away.
Or, if she's especially wise yet determined, she'll calmly turn on
her heels and leave without much elaboration...but will call you two
or three days later to see what the temperature is after you've
"slept on it" for a few days...presumably by yourself.
Be ready for those potential responses so that you aren't snared.
Thanks again for your question...it was a fantastic one. I'd
really recommend How To Manage Your Wildly Successful Dating Life
to you.
It covers all of this in much greater detail and lots more on
successful social dynamics between men and women you may have not
even considered yet. You'd love it:
http://www.wildlysuccessfuldating.com/
Be Good,
Scot
=====
You may be able to relate to Maury's situation. Or, you may be
thinking to yourself that his may be the "highest quality problem"
we've talked about yet, and you can't imagine being in that
situation.
Whichever side of the fence you are on is, in all likelihood, very
much tied to how well you are able to IGNITE femininity if you are
a man, or IGNITE masculinity if you are a woman.
More and more of you are writing me asking specifically for more on
that concept of "igniting" MOTOS ("Members Of The Opposite Sex",
for those of you who are new around here.)
Simply put, when you are unafraid to represent who you were born to
be sexually, the opposite sex takes a more powerfully-charged
interest in you.
This is not something that happens by being a media-driven
stereotype.
It happens through genuine understanding of what the who you're
trying to attract REALLY wants.
The ONLY real difference between "friendship" and "more than
friends" is ATTRACTION. That's it. Two neuter creatures will
NEVER, EVER be sexually attracted to each other.
But...when you have the distinct ability to IGNITE the opposite sex
by representing what is necessary to make it happen, you become
more rare than you think in this culture.
And you end up with situations like Maury's. And, of course,
you've got to know how to handle them.
Want to discover how?
I don't care whether you are dealing with "high quality problems"
or are looking forward to the day when you have a wildly successful
life full of fantastic MOTOS.
You should read How To Manage Your Wildly Successful Dating Life.
In fact, if you aren't YET dealing with how to handle great
success, the time to do that is NOW. 20/20 foresight is what it's
about.
And...visualizing success is EVEN MORE of what it's about.
http://www.wildlysuccessfuldating.com/
And get YOUR CHOICE of Power Sessions (on "Telecom Game") or Keys
To Bliss (on "Attraction And Body Language"...a month is yours at no
charge (and yes...if you are already on one you can get a taste of
what the MOTOS are learning, if you'd like).
And I'll talk to you again soon,
Be Good,
Scot
P.S. Remember, Emily's new program is now available at:
http://www.clickwithhim.com/online_dating
If you haven't checked out Emily's online dating tip vids on that
site, you should. They're not what you've heard before, and they
can revolutionize a woman's profile.
P.P.S. I'll be adding videos to BOTH Click With Him and Online
Dating Domination (and therefore VIRTUOSITY also) this week.
P.P.S. You'll see new podcast episodes this week also...promise.
=====
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