[X&Y] "Just Think About Baseball, Man"
Published: Thu, 05/15/08
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IN THIS EDITION: How do you summon the confidence to pick up the
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READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS
JUST THINK ABOUT BASEBALL, MAN.
I re-listened to the Power Session you did about confidence --
January I believe [Ed Note: This back-issue is now available as
the "Real Confidence" program through the link to the store above].
Because I feel like I'm just having a confidence ebb right now.
Here's my question, I've got this annoying little inner critic in
my head (yes I'm listening to voices but it ain't like that).
Every time I attempt to do something productive with a woman (Call
her, ask her out, try to make a move, etc) the voice starts yapping
at me "You're gonna blow it. She's too good for you. etc." You know,
that kind of negative thinking.
When it goes well (which it usually does) I don't hear this voice.
Like I wrote in one of my earliest emails to you, I always feel
everything must be right before I try to make that call, move, etc.
If you can understand my question, here it is: Is there a way to
shut this voice up before you make that call? And if there isn't,
how can I mask it to where the woman I'm calling doesn't know
because if she likes me I feel like she'll be a little on guard too.
But I have to keep in mind (and it isn't easy) that even when Ted
Williams hit .406 he still failed almost 60% of the time and that
season is considered the best offensive season in baseball history.
Randy (Webb, AL)
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Hey Randy:
Thanks for writing.
I think all of this boils down to the danger of putting women on a
pedestal.
I'm not talking in the "honorable", "chivalrous" sense but rather
flat-out idealizing them as if they're better and/or more evolved
than you simply because they are attractive and female.
Women actually feel the same way we do on many levels, and suffer
from common human imperfection. Even the hottest of them.
The problem is that when the "halo effect" of attraction takes hold,
you likely don't figure this out until much later--after you get to
know them some.
I'll never forget the time I met a woman online who came to my
house the first time I ever met her. When she walked through the
door I thought I had literally hit the jackpot.
It was all I could do to contain myself at the time, but I guess I
managed because I ended up seeing her again...and again.
But as we started to hang out together more, she turned out to have
an amazing case of low self-esteem and began talking with
increasing frequency about not deserving a great relationship.
She began apologizing for everything. She was wondering aloud if I
could possibly like her and think of her as attractive, etc.
When I first met this woman I would never have guessed that she
would expect ANY man to reject her, regardless of who he was.
But eventually, to be quite honest, her feeling of personal
inadequacy proved so severe that it's what caused me to end the
relationship with her.
Thinking about it, it was very much a "self-fulfilling prophecy"
for her.
So yes...when you encounter a woman that the "voice" is telling you
there's no chance with, she could actually be perceiving YOU as
"too good to be true"--maybe even potentially the greatest thing
that's ever happened to her.
But if you "fail to deploy" YOU deny her that chance, don't you?
Now on the other hand, I don't want to give you a "pep talk" only
to have you come face-to-face with harsh reality.
It's very true you must become at peace with several potential
reasons why women may not respond to you in the way you'd like at
times. It's unreasonable to expect that every interaction with
woman will meet your every need...at all times.
Yet, if you are a man who deserves what he wants, this is NEVER any
reason for personal alarm.
Let's see. She may not be in a positive frame of mind at the
moment you call her. So she gets snippy with you.
There's never any excuse for being less than personable with people
who mean you no harm, but it happens nonetheless. Maybe you dodged
the proverbial bullet there, but either way it's not a "you" issue.
Or, if her mindset is similar to that of the woman in the example I
gave, she may have a nagging belief that she would disappoint you
and therefore get hurt...so she just avoids going out with you at
all.
This never fails to leave a guy thinking it's "his problem". But
nothing could be further from the truth.
You may very well be disappointed by a particular woman's reaction
at times, but the truth of the matter is that there are plenty of
people who will disappoint you more and more even after you get to
know them--mind-blowing hotties being a non-exception.
Knowing all of this, remain focused on the simple fact that women
will tend to respond powerfully to your leadership as a man.
Were you to call her with a tentative, sheepish demeanor she'll
indeed pick up on that as you've suggested, and perhaps respond in
kind. You can try to "mask" it, but it's ALWAYS better simply to
do away with it entirely.
If thinking about Ted Williams hasn't helped so far, try thinking
about the very real factors I've shared with you. Besides, it's
too early in the relationship to have to "think about baseball",
right?
Ironically, if you put aside any concern over rejection or any
other possible outcome that's not favorable to you, there's all the
more chance she WILL in fact respond favorably to you after all.
And it will be that real confidence that gives you the edge.
And that's the kind of confidence no "male enhancement pill" can
ever give you, right? After all, if you don't have confidence when
your trousers are on, then you're starting from the wrong place to
begin with.
Be Good,
Scot
=====
Who among us has never experienced what Randy is feeling?
Seriously, the hardest ten seconds in your life may very well be
the ten seconds it takes to dial a woman's phone number for the
first time.
Imagine having a solid enough understanding of women that you have
a handle on what it's going to take to interact with them
successfully even BEFORE the conversation takes place.
And imagine what it would be like to take that level of
understanding and allow it to TRANSFORM your tentative doubts into
BULLETPROOF CONFIDENCE.
From there, you will have the strength to attract the highest
quality women you've ever met. Will you have the character and
presence of mind to KEEP THEM around?
If you're ready to become THAT GUY, then I highly recommend seizing
the opportunity to let VIRTUOSITY help make that happen in your
life. Not in six months or two years...but RIGHT NOW. Here again is
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Forget having to ask "What do I do next?" ever again. Take back
control over your own dating life.
And I'll talk you again soon.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
=====
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