[X&Y] Is Being "Nice" Really The Problem?
Published: Tue, 06/24/08
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IN THIS EDITION: We've been told not to be "nice" if we want to
have any hope of succeeding with women. Yet, not many of us really
believe we have to be straight-up evil in order to get a woman,
either...especially a GREAT ONE. What's the real secret here?
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IS BEING "NICE" REALLY THE PROBLEM?
Since we've all read countless articles and heard endless audio on
how "nice guys" don't get women, you'd think we've probably gotten
the message by now.
Sure, we've had it drummed into our heads that wussies who "kiss up"
to women fail. Along with that, it typically follows that we're
reminded how "bad boys" or "jerks" are the ones who get all the
women.
In fact, you've probably heard SO MUCH of this sort of thing that
right now you're hoping this newsletter isn't going to simply
reiterate something you've heard a thousand times over.
Rest assured. I wouldn't do that to you.
Instead, I have a crazy question.
Even though you've heard the "nice guy vs. bad boy" routine a
bazillion time, have you REALLY gotten the RIGHT message from it?
Based on what I've been seeing lately in the Seduction Community
blogosphere, on forums and in my inbox, I'm beginning to wonder.
Unless my brain is playing tricks on me, it looks like any time a
guy mentions having any kind of benevolent thought towards a woman
at all, someone is there to crack him upside the head and bring him
back to "sensibility".
Planning a romantic evening? Playing her favorite music in the
car? Giving her a reasonable compliment when she wants your honest
opinion?
The horror!
According to "common wisdom" these days, ANY such behavior under any
circumstances is a sure-fire symptom of impending "Nice Guy"
disorder.
Meanwhile, other "industry standards" such as "negging" and
"cocky/funny" are more than ever being widely misconstrued to mean
"be flat-out rude as hell to women".
All over the fruited plain, gentlemen, the apparent surround to all
of this would appear to be, "If you want to get women, be kind of
mean to them and forget about doing anything benevolent whatsoever."
Read that last quote over again and think about it for a while.
Do you really, truly believe that's what it takes to bring high
quality women into your life?
Yet, that very thought process is pandemic in the world of men's
dating advice.
Think I'm overreacting? If so, go surf a few Seduction Community
forums and find out for yourself what kind of Kool-Aid people have
been drinking.
Well, guess what guys?
I think you can still be a perfectly decent (dare I spell out
"nice"?) person...and get MORE high-quality women than any "bad boy"
or "jerk".
How's that?
All it takes is DECONSTRUCTING exactly WHY "Mr. Nice Guy" loses
with women.
First, this guy typically has a sexual "agenda" with women that a
sense of personal shame keeps under wraps. Thinking he'd scare
women away were he an "oppressive sexual threat", he dares not
portray himself as a masculine presence.
Strike one. "Neuter" doesn't attract.
Next, "Mr. Nice Guy" is usually out to IMPRESS women by buying them
stuff, doing endless favors, etc.
Strike two. He wouldn't do that for anyone other than a "hottie",
so no woman can trust him. Inspiring confidence and thereby
instilling security in a woman is therefore an impossibility.
(And I mean really...it comes off kind of like that guy in the store
who keeps calling you "sir" even though you're sure his demeanor is
completely different when he's off the clock, right?)
Finally, being "extra nice" is usually a direct symptom of being
needy and desperate...a dead giveaway that you DO NOT HAVE OPTIONS.
Strike three. He's clearly "not in her league".
As for the "I/J" (or "Idiot/Jerk"), he *can* indeed get somewhere
with women...usually the ones with LOW SELF ESTEEM.
Why?
Well, maybe the woman feels she doesn't deserve a great man, so
it's her lot to "suffer".
Or, if the feedback I've gotten from certain women holds true, at
least she feels she can TRUST that what she sees is what she gets
when a guy is openly an I/J.
Are you noticing what's going on under the surface here?
Ultimately, why the "nice guy" loses has NOTHING to do with being
"nice".
And, notwithstanding dysfunctional attachment to self-punishment, I
don't think it's particularly necessary that a man be downright
evil in order for a woman to know where she stands with him, either.
Even if she's after the "bad boy type" (e.g. Harley, tattoos, etc.)
there's plenty of those guys out there who are perfectly decent
people. All the while, they still having that sense of adventure and
healthy appreciation for an adrenaline rush that women tend to crave.
You may even meet some of them and say, "Man, that's a nice guy."
Basically, what you've just heard me imply that a high-quality
woman will settle for NEITHER "Mr. Nice Guy" NOR an "I/J".
What gives?
Well, as I've said before, the seldom-recognized champion over this
entire phenomenon is a GREAT MAN.
And one of the few things that make sense in the dating world--
disarmingly so in this case--is that GREAT MEN really do stand an
excellent chance of getting GREAT WOMEN.
Over seventy years ago, Dale Carnegie published his seminal work
How To Win Friends And Influence People, which to this day is a
wildly popular best seller.
In fact, much of what you read today in terms of "how to" info on
social dynamics can be traced back to roots in that book.
Here's a great quote from it, so good that the author repeats it
twice in context:
"You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in
other people than you can in two years by trying to get other
people interested in you."
In other words, if you are only about meeting your own selfish
needs, you'll get nowhere with people.
And both the "Nice Guy" and the "I/J" are more interested in what
they can get from a woman than they are interested in her.
What's "Mr. Nice Guy's" greatest fear?
You guessed it: Being exiled to the "Just Be Friends Zone".
So as a result, not only do you have guys out there who are trying
NOT to be "nice" to women, they're trying to AVOID being friends
with her!
All this based on the prevailing "dating advice" guys are being
given.
Somewhere, Dale Carnegie is rolling over in his grave.
Here it is: The real PROBLEM with the "JBF Zone" is the "J".
Dale Carnegie's book has sold millions of copies because it does an
amazing job of living up to its title.
And guess what? It's one of the best DATING ADVICE books I've ever
read.
Why? Because it teaches you how to attract PEOPLE.
And GREAT WOMEN, last I checked, classified as such.
When you genuinely care about others and let go of self-absorption,
you not only start meeting the women you want...you get the added
benefit of succeeding at work and in your social circles too.
So yeah, you can be a nice guy and get great women. But only if
you mean it, and only if you know how to make friends. No "hidden
agendas" and no lazy selfishness allowed.
I realize that what I'm sharing with you here is completely
different from what you're used to hearing. No question.
And make no mistake, this is about throwing out the dark ulterior
motives that characterize "Mr. Nice Guy" and really, genuinely
going about the matter of becoming the kind of high-character man
who draws people unto himself magnetically.
No doubt you've heard talk out there about how to be "charismatic"
and "alpha" in order to get women, haven't you?
What a paradox to mix those concepts in with talk about being a
"jerk" instead of a "nice guy"!
No wonder so many guys who are "chasing tail" end up chasing their
OWN tail, right?
It's time to cut through all the confusion and discover EXACTLY
what it takes to DESERVE WHAT YOU WANT.
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Have a great week wherever you are, and I'll talk to you again soon.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
P.S. Are you considering either Ten-Plus or the Ten-Plus Live
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