[X&Y] What If The First Meeting Is Going Nowhere?
Published: Fri, 07/18/08
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IN THIS EDITION: You're meeting a new woman for the first time.
You're all psyched...until she shows up. You already know things
are going nowhere. What's the best strategy in that situation?
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READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS
Hi Scot,
I read your latest bonus e-book on "How To Handle Breakups" from
your main web site. You've skillfully covered the topic of how to
break up with someone like a gentleman and with compassion.
How about this common situation:
At the end of a first "coffee date" I decide that she's a nice
person, I had a pleasant time, but she's not for me. Therefore, no
need for a second date.
"It's been nice, see you later", "I'll give you a call sometime" or
"It's been nice meeting you, goodbye" are not satisfactory.
"I think you're somebody else's girl", as I've heard you talk about
before, seems too heavy for a first meeting.
How have you gracefully handled this situation?
Thanks for everything,
Rolando (Mesa, AZ)
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Alright, Rolando. Thanks for writing
This is a brilliant question, and one that's long overdue for us to
cover.
First of all, I couldn't agree more with your judgment calls
regarding the potential "sample" answers you gave. Anytime you
lead someone down the "primrose path" regarding the possibility of
future interaction, you're essentially being untruthful.
But man...it's SO easy and SO tempting to offload the present
awkwardness in the moment by uttering that seemingly innocuous,
"Okay, I'll call you" or "Hey, talk to you later" when your actual
intention is "C" -- "None Of The Above".
Chalk that one up to our modern cultural standard of using
"throwaway" conversation essentially as a form of greeting. (e.g.
"How are you?", "I'm fine.")
And I'd also agree that making a production of "letting someone
down easy" when you barely know each other can come off as a bit
"heavy" as you mentioned, if not even downright arrogant.
This isn't a major breakup (or even a minor one), it's just a
coffee date with somewhat of a disappointing outcome.
So what to do?
I think there are essentially three different scenarios that could
lead someone like you to decide there will not being a second
meeting. Each has its own respective strategy for optimal handling
of the situation.
1) COMPLETE, UTTER MISREPRESENTATION
When you meet someone you've been talking to online you may find
out very quickly that she has not simply been "optimistic" in her
self-portrayal online, she has been straight-up disingenuous.
I say "she" here because I'm answering you personally, but the
issue is of course an "equal opportunity" one.
There are two schools of thought on this. The first is to put a
halt to the interaction right away, perhaps even serving notice to
the person that she wasn't truthful in your eyes.
Numerous online dating advisers (including Emily, by the way) agree
this is a perfectly reasonable reaction and the wise one from a
time-management perspective. You do not owe a person who has lied
anything.
I agree that's a viable option in terms of how to handle such a
situation.
But my real-world practice typically was to carry on with the
interaction--although not protracting it by any means--treating the
meeting as a potential networking opportunity and being cordial.
My thought process was that if someone is willing to lie on an
online profile in order to get attention, then possibly her level
of self-esteem was already dragging bottom enough that a blatant
rejection would cause more human damage than it would save me time.
And I'll tell you what, I can think of at least two women who I met
on first meetings like this who turned out to be valuable business
contacts, even if not exactly my type in the attraction department.
Plus, I used every meeting with a woman as "practice".
Every. Single. Time.
Perhaps I could credit my evolution into a guy who could by
easy-going with amazingly sharp women on first dates to building a
set of good habits on all of those "dates" where I wasn't so
attracted.
Thinking about it, that makes a lot of sense.
It really did give me a sense of being able to relax and enjoy
interacting with MOTOS (Members Of The Opposite Sex) without an
"agenda".
That's a GOOD THING--it tends to immunize you a bit against freaking
out when one walks through the door who really does it for you.
2) BLATANT RUDENESS, CREEPINESS OR CONTENTION
When someone's behavior becomes appropriate, you not only
should...you MUST...end the interaction right there.
Emily and I both advise that if a woman ever feels physically or
emotionally compromised during a first meeting, she should get up
and leave...right then and there.
I personally don't even care if she does so without considering
the bill at all, even if she was invited out by him.
And guess what, you have that same prerogative as a man.
Personally, I've never experienced this one. But then again, I was
at one time a connoisseur of collecting richly entertaining
online-dating stories simply for the sake of future storytelling.
But maybe I'm flat-out weird--or at least have a twisted sense of
humor. And I always picked up the tab anyway if it was my idea to
meet, but your mileage may vary.
Let's here it once again for not running spendy first meetings,
right?
3) REALLY "NICE", BUT NO CHEMISTRY
This of course, is likely the most common scenario. You get
through the coffee date, but there's nothing there. Not even
really any desire to "just be friends".
Once you have a good idea that the outcome of the meeting is going
in this direction, you can work toward winding things to a close in
the same way you would with any other conversation that is starting
to get a little lengthy for your taste.
You can say things like, "I only have a few more minutes here" or
even flatly announce "OK, we'll have to work towards wrapping this
up".
You know what I mean. Nothing rude, but definitely directed
towards the desired outcome.
This is part of the strategy for limiting potential "mixed
messages".
You make sure not to send "buying signals" in any way, let alone
say or do anything that would be perceived as flirtation.
It's oddly ironic how well women who we are NOT attracted to tend
to respond so positively to our unintentional (or purely
self-serving) minor flirts. It all sort of validates the whole
"indifference" strategy, doesn't it?
If you've led the interaction in the way prescribed, then MOST
women are intuitive enough to pick up on the fact that things are
going nowhere...and--news flash--they likely agree.
I say MOST.
There is the offhand chance that she'll somehow be bubbling over
with excitement about the meeting you just shared and miss your
signals entirely.
At that point, AVOIDING PHYSICAL TOUCH (including handshakes), you
simply tell her that you appreciate her making the time for you
today and that you wish her all the best in her search.
If it's a well-lit daytime gig, I part ways at the door to wherever
we were, if not letting her leave the table first while I excuse
myself to the men's room.
No walking her to her car.
The message has to be clear. There will be no future interaction,
unless you've made a business contact from the meeting or something
as I alluded to before.
Business-like, yet cordial. All the way.
Now, it's important to calibrate these situations on a case-by-case
basis as I've described.
And there's no guarantee that she will not have an emotionally
charged reaction to even what you consider to be an
effectively-handled cordial parting of ways.
One time I had a first meeting with a woman who claimed to be in
her mid-thirties but who in real life gave every appearance of June
Carter Cash, circa 2000.
If she was still in her late forties I'd have been amazed.
Yet, I was cordial. But I was decidedly business-like.
Well, she basically lit into me with a stream of insults driven by
a sense of deep hurt.
Of course, I didn't take any of it personally. There's a human
being there, and even friendly rejection still disappoints.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
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Without a doubt, I'm sure you can relate to Rolando's predicament,
can't you?
It's happened to all of us before--probably more than once--and
we've all felt the awkwardness when it happened.
You may have been set up with a "friend of a friend".
Or maybe you even met someone at a dark and noisy club only to
experience a serious opinion modification on "day two".
But NOWHERE does the little problem we covered today rear it's ugly
head MORE OFTEN than when you're starting out at ONLINE DATING.
Obviously, you want to minimize those awkward first meetings.
But really, you want to minimize EVERYTHING that's a potential drag
about online dating and go STRAIGHT TO THE GOOD PART.
Having spent literally years perfecting online game, I've already
gone through all the challenges.
But I've also LIVED THE DREAM of meeting my ABSOLUTE TOP CHOICES
among women in my metro area and seeing them for as long as I chose
to.
And I'll tell you, that really can erase the harsh memory of
NIGHTMARES that all newbie online daters experience...with a quickness.
That's EXACTLY why I took every single bit of what can bring you
WILD SUCCESS in the online dating world and built it into my Online
Dating Domination program.
Let me be perfectly clear.
My vision for you is not to hand you a few cut/paste lines or other
"quick fixes" that may get you a response or two from random women.
I know all too well how COMPLETELY POSSIBLE it is for you to wake
up one morning in the not-too-distant future and realize that you
are literally doing better than ANY OTHER GUY in your ENTIRE METRO
AREA.
To read more about why Online Dating Domination is so effective,
take an honest look here:
http://www.onlinedatingdomination.com/
And best of all, I've got a surprise for you.
In the editing stage right now are not one but TWO BRAND NEW
ADDITIONS to the Online Dating Domination program.
First, I am adding a full-length audio program called "Advanced
Domination Mastery".
In it, I am going to share the absolute most cutting-edge
strategies born of literally hundreds of hours spent in recent
months working directly with guys one-on-one.
Out of real-world challenges come real-world solutions, and you can
plan on a non-stop barrage of 100% original strategies that are
guaranteed to leave anything you've ever heard elsewhere in the dust
Next, in a second ALL NEW PROGRAM, I'm going to show you (again,
contrary to what other pundits have advised) how to use INSTANT
MESSAGING as a powerful tool to dramatically increase your online
success.
Only guys who are ready to meet absolute top-quality women--for
real--need apply.
Both of these new additions will hit the Member's Area this weekend.
If you already have Online Dating Domination (or Virtuosity, of
course), you're all set. You'll be able to enjoy these new
programs and reap the benefits within a few days.
If you haven't yet acquired Online Dating Domination, it's only a
click away...and the newest Power Session on "Making Unreasonable
Expectations Reasonable" is yours F-R-E-E also:
http://www.onlinedatingdomination.com/
Online dating is THE easiest way to meet A LOT of amazing women in
the shortest amount of time possible...but ONLY if you've got a
winning game plan.
I look forward to hearing your success stories.
And I'll be talking to you again soon.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
P.S. There will ALSO be a new episode of The Chick Whisperer
coming this weekend. (Obviously, I'm a busy guy.)
My guest is Jae Ellis From the AskRomeo Team, who's co-hosted
Virtuosity program is one of THE most popular of all.
The topic? Let's just say if you deal with shyness or consider
yourself introverted you won't want to miss this one.
As always, subscribe on iTunes or hit the feed here:
http://feeds.feedburner.com/thechickwhisperer
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