[X&Y] Quetion From A Reader: What Does She REALLY Think About Sex?
Published: Fri, 10/03/08
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IN THIS EDITION: You're out on a date with a woman, and you'd
love to find out what her attitudes and feelings toward sex are.
Should you come right out and ask, or what?
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NEW EPISODE OF THE CHICK WHISPERER: The guest is Bart Baggett, who
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Prepare to have your entire outlook on inner game vs. outer game
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The podcasts are always free, of course.
And now, here's a question from one of you that I think most of us
can relate to...
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READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS
Hey Scot,
I went out for coffee with a girl on Thursday. And well we had a
great IM session last night. We talked about a lot of stuff. I
told her that I am interested meeting again but I am not looking
for a steady girlfriend and that I am seeing other girls.
She was totally on the same page (she's not looking for a steady
girlfriend either... lol). So far she seems like a potentially
high quality girl. However, she has 2 kids with two different guys
(this to me doesn't make her a bad person).
She has admitted she made some poor choices in the past. She's
responsible and does what she says she is going to do. So I'm
waiting to see how this plays out.
My concern is, before we go on our first date, I want to know what
she thinks about sex. I am not interested in having sex with her on
the first date. I just want to know where she stands.
Would it be better to have that conversation in person, over the
phone, or IMing? Just to clarify, the reason I want to find out is
not so I can bang her as soon as possible but if we are real hot
for each other I want to respect her position if she has decided to
wait.
I would rather have that decision made in a stable mind set as
opposed to a "in the heat of the moment" descision.
Or if we are making out and things start progressing that way
should I just slow it down amd suggest we talk about it first. (I
just thought of that now)
Or maybe it could be something we talk about during the date? As
you can tell I'm all over the map here. So any advice would be
greatly appreciated.
Have a good'un,
Neal
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Hello Neal:
That's a great, thought-provoking question, and one I believe a lot
of high-quality guys deal with in one form or another
So it deserves a thought-out answer.
First, the easy part of that answer. I think if you brought it up
out of the blue out of context, she'd likely think that you were
trying to see if she's game.
And that would feel to her like you're trying to "get something off
her" like back in seventh grade. So I wouldn't directly initiate a
conversation like that.
In fact, for the first date or two here the main point is to see
whether or not the two of you even get along. That's job one.
Despite what you hear about in the Seduction Community, a man with
options realizes that going after the "close" on first dates is a
lousy strategy.
The better investment is to spend those first hours together
enjoying each other's company and testing the rapport.
Importantly, even as far as sex IS concerned you are using that
time to interpret what sex with her would even be LIKE, and if it's
what you really want--not simply from an attraction perspective but
from a social one also.
Is she likely to become emotionally attached quickly? A "drama
queen"?
Ask any guy who has bedded a number of women very quickly in his
day and he'll tell you. Sometimes the fallout isn't worth the
getoff.
But all of that said, my honest feeling regarding getting a read on
her attitudes and beliefs regarding sex are that she'll let you
know without having to ask.
Now, importantly, what I'm suggesting here does NOT involve
passivity on your part.
You aren't just sitting there with your hands folded like "Mr. Nice
Guy" waiting for her to someday tell you she's horny out of the blue.
Rather, you are actively listening for clues as to what she's
thinking or even subjectively suggesting.
What do I mean by that?
Well, for starters, women are usually fairly wise to how guys
operate. Having been on a few dates in her time, the woman you've
just met is likely well-aware that LOTS of men are pre-wired to be
ready for sex early and often in a relationship.
As such, she has learned to present herself in a manner that sends
the right message to the guy she's with (whatever that message is
to her)...all without having to come right out and say anything.
In fact, apart from the idea of telegraphing that you're perhaps
sex-focused, asking directly for her VERBAL opinions might actually
be counterproductive in other ways.
When you come right out and ASK what a woman's attitudes are
regarding sex, she MAY tell you that she's very conservative and to
keep your hands off.
But what she's REALLY saying is, "I'm protecting myself from
getting used for sex, so I'm telling you to 'forgetaboutit' as a
test to see if you'll stick around and remain interested in me as a
human being."
And, as a man of high quality, you'll respect her opinion on that
and keep your hands off, probably.
Here's the irony, though.
Once she is fully comfortable with you, and once you've
successfully ignited her femininity as a masculine man, women tend
to change their course VERY quickly.
In fact, I've seen women TALK conservatively about sex at first,
and THEN offer very clear (or even flat-out overt) "take me"
signals sometime thereafter. Sometimes on the SAME DATE.
Go figure.
But, as a guy, having TALKED about it and heard her words, you may
cross her signals or even MISS them altogether when she
demonstrates such sexual willingness later.
So in such a case as that, having VERBALIZED the concept may
actually cause you to mess up later...when it really counts.
Because see, here's the thing. Women are HUMAN BEINGS who are have
their own free will and who can make their OWN DECISIONS.
And yes, they are to be respected as being RESPONSIBLE for their
own decisions.
So, the secret here is to WATCH HER ACTIONS versus ASKING HER FOR
HER OPINIONS. That's basically a major "chick whispering" tenet,
there. One of the cornerstones, actually.
Reject any feminist notion you've heard before. If a woman
WILLINGLY decides to be physical with you, it's because SHE wanted
to.
It's such an obvious statement, but yet so many guys have been
brainwashed to believe that if a woman has sex with them it's
NECESSARILY because he "manipulated" or "tricked" the poor,
weak-willed little creature into it.
I'm calling B.S. on that.
Not ALL sex is a result of "manipulation" or "trickery".
In fact, I'd argue that VERY LITTLE of it IS. Ergo, why I harp so
much on why PUA tactics built on such things are to be avoided.
Sure, it's a sign of low character to go that route.
But more to the point, it really DOESN'T WORK...any more than "hard
sell" tactics at a used-car dealership work on YOU.
All women--including the one you are seeing--are very human and
very able to make adult decisions, notwithstanding some
debilitating condition (like cessation of breathing).
So enjoy getting to know her for now.
Understand that she wants to know you will protect her good
reputation even as you take a real interest in her.
And rest-assured that when you've done the right things as a "big
four" man, you can trust that her signals that she is ready to get
frisky with you are VERY REAL and to be acted on accordingly. This
is regardless of what she says the first time you meet her, per se.
The only caveats are these.
First, if a woman expresses very strong moral convictions against
sex before marriage, and you subsequently get her SO HOT that she's
ready to forsake those convictions, you would do well to put on the
brakes for HER conscience's sake.
Remember, women FOLLOW YOUR LEAD, and making such a statement under
those circumstances would amaze her.
But even if you don't put on the brakes there, the decision to go
for it with you is still hers ultimately.
Second, some women have SUCH low-self-esteem that they throw
themselves sexually at guys they don't even really want so much.
If she lacks passion or is even flat-out distraught about getting
physical with you, this could be what's going on.
Yes, it's still HER choice if whe willingly puts herself in that
compromising position. But don't cheapen YOURSELF by allowing that
to happen.
Overall, man, I think the simple fact that you think in such an
evolved way about the issue you are writing about demonstrates that
you are going to have no problem.
Relax and have fun. Women are going to love you.
Be Good,
Scot
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Neal's question highlights one of the key areas where a man can
demonstrate very clearly that he has transformed himself from being
"good" with women to "great" with women.
While most of the Seduction Community would teach that "getting the
lay" as soon as possible is the only way to go, the man with
options understands the importance solid decision making.
When you have real choices, you flat-out don't feel so desperate to
have sex as soon as possible with any woman who can fog a mirror.
Instead of chasing, you are CHOOSING. You are evaluating what you
truly want with a sense of sober judgment.
And best of all, when you discover a great woman and choose to make
an INVESTMENT in being the man who ignites her femininity rather
than getting "tunnel vision" and trying to hamfist your way into
her pants, something amazing happens.
All of the sudden, the woman--of her own free will--becomes sexually
charged TOWARD YOU.
Why?
Because she feels safe. She feels like she matters to you.
As a result, instead of "scoring" a one-night stand (maybe?), you
then can exercise leadership. Do you want a sexual relationship
with her? If so, wouldn't you want to be able to have some real
input over HOW LONG that lasts, and where it leads to?
Thought so. After all, being out of touch in those situations
really sucks.
And it's in discovering your real options and learning how to
MANAGE RELATIONSHIPS from DAY ONE that you become THE LEADING MAN.
It has only been three weeks since The Leading Man relationship
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Already, literally hundreds of you have secured your copy and are
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unsolicited testimonials toward the end of the page:
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My guess is that you're going to put that book to good use sooner
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But this will end Monday night (6 October) at midnight, Texas time.
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When you order, you'll see the e-book listed in with the other
bonuses. It's a $19.95 value, which you can see listed in the X &
Y Communications online store all the time.
So enjoy. And I'll talk to you again soon.
Be Good,
Scot
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