[X&Y] "Relax And Have Fun. The Girls Love You."
Published: Fri, 10/10/08
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IN THIS EDITION: Since talking about how to go about succeeding
with particularly high quality women a few weeks ago, I've been
getting an unusually high volume of e-mails on the subject.
So today I'm sharing with you something that came up during the
course of a recent phone coaching session...call it the "Limiting
Belief In Reverse".
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And now, here's more on how to aim higher when it comes to the
women you attract...
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"RELAX AND HAVE FUN...THE GIRLS LOVE YOU"
Back in seventh grade, to say I had virtually zero skill with MOTOS
(Members Of The Opposite Sex) would have been an understatement.
Even though I was from a very middle-class family, a series of
events had landed me at one of the most exclusive private schools
for rich kids in the Baltimore metro area.
From the very first day, I knew I didn't fit in there.
Being the "new kid", I didn't even have any friends anymore. I had
to start from zero, which is a challenge for any seventh grader
changing schools.
But in this case, I also could tell instantly that I didn't have
the right clothes. I didn't have the right "pedigree", or
whatever. I was clearly low-man on the social "totem pole" in just
about every way.
It didn't take long for my already suspect pre-pubescent self-image
to take a nosedive.
But meanwhile, something really odd was happening.
Even as I was feeling completely alienated, I started getting
attention from some very, very cute girls.
Maybe it was simply because I was new. Maybe it was because I was
different. Who knows? But they were talking to me...and being
FRIENDLY.
Now, I realize these are seventh graders we're talking about, but
when you're a seventh grader the most heavenly MOTOS on Earth
typically happen to be seventh graders like yourself.
So when the attention started to come from girls who were not only
cute but smart, socially popular and dressed in the most expensive
clothes possible, my brain started to play tricks on me.
But what really fried my circuits was that their last names tended
to be the same as people like my U.S. Congressman, the weatherman
on Channel 13 and last year's Cy Young Award winner from the
Baltimore Orioles.
You had to be kidding me. Why would these girls even TALK to me?
It was the "Too Good To Be True Factor" in its purest form.
So, of course, I did what many of us as guys--young OR old--would do:
I assumed they weren't serious. They MUST be making fun of me.
And that's what I accused them of. As some bizarre sort of
"protection mechanism", I at best ignored them, sometimes rejected
them, and in particularly grim moments called them out on their
cruel "trickery".
Before you know it, it all became a self-fulfilling prophecy. They
really DID start to dislike me. They began to make fun of me--for
real.
And thirty years later, I now know why. I had led.
During that fateful seventh grade year, one of the coolest teachers
we had was Mr. Green. As a recent college grad and an All-American
lacrosse player, he had been hired to be a coach but doubled as an
English teacher.
Looking back, I'm sure he had pretty solid skills with women. All
the girls loved him, and there were even rumors about the seventh
grade Math teacher...
At the end of the year, when yearbooks came out, he wrote something
particularly interesting in mine. It read as follows:
"Relax and have fun. The girls love you. -Chris Green"
The simple fact that any teacher would sign a seventh grade kid's
yearbook with his first name was cool enough. But the message
itself amazed me.
Unfortunately, it would take several more years and finally getting
kicked out of private school for bad behavior for me to realize
that perhaps what he was saying was true.
And even then, it would take MANY more years to really "get it".
So many of us as guys have NO PROBLEM talking to women we are
marginally attracted to, yet we completely blow it with women we
can't quite yet see as "attainable".
Usually, "unattainable" is synonymous with "ones we really like".
Within the past couple of days, the idea has hit me like a
lightning bolt that this is often because we tend to suffer from
what I call a "Limiting Belief In Reverse" (LBIR).
You know what a "limiting belief" is by now. You're too poor, too
old, or too SOMETHING to get the women you want.
And you also know by now that I believe that it's unreasonable to
assume that ALL WOMEN think like you do about your "limiting
beliefs".
Well, here's how the LBIR works.
Basically, when you see a woman you REALLY like, you assume she HAS
NO FAULTS, and that she has UNLIMITED ABILITY to attract ANY guy
she wants and GET WHATEVER SHE WANTS from them.
In other words, as you believe you are inherently unworthy, you
ascribe ULTIMATE, PERFECTED "WORTHINESS" to her.
It's the opposite of a "limiting belief". As some sort of way to
underscore your own limitations, you ascribe goddess-like
perfection to her in order to further insulate yourself from
self-blame when you don't approach her, or when you screw up the
first date.
But see, just like a "limiting belief" robs YOU of potential
success, the LBIR has a similar--but reversed--effect.
The LBIR robs HER of an equal opportunity to find out what kind of
high-level "Big Four" guy YOU are.
By assuming she's "unattainable", you've pre-DISqualified her in a
sense.
And guess what? When we view the world like this, it's really just
because of our own ARROGANCE.
That's right...I said it. When you pre-judge women as "unattainable"
simply because they are YOUR EXACT "TYPE", you've made an unfair
assessment that ignores HER potential input on the matter.
You make a decision on her behalf that she won't like you. It's
kind of like saying, "My way AND the highway", if you think about it.
In the real world, I've noticed that while it's true that none of
us can be all things to all MOTOS, the actual pattern in which
women DO respond favorably to a particular guy typically has little
to do with the "type" of women that guy would guess he'd "look good
with", be more attracted to, etc.
In fact, and perhaps shockingly, some of the women who aren't our
"type" like us A LOT. Others, not so much.
And here it is: While it's true not every woman who is your vision
of female perfection will like you, it's equally true that SOME
WILL. A lot. Perhaps even as much as YOU LIKE THEM.
But just like you've got to do away with "Limiting Beliefs", you've
got to do away with LBIRs also. And the latter is the step that I
think MANY, MANY of us overlook, don't we?
Why?
Because we are always taught to focus on ourselves. OUR inner
game. OUR outer game.
And when we don't get out of our own heads, we often fail to see
the perspective of the exact women we'd like to attract.
Even when your game is solid, you've got to be able to see the
proverbial "forest for the trees" when it comes to women. You
can't make their decisions for them when it comes to
attraction...even though that doesn't stop us from trying,
apparently.
So in two simple words, stop it. Being a "Big Four" man, give
perfectly reasonable women, albeit amazing ones, the simple chance
to make their own decisions about you.
Will you get EVERY ONE of them? No.
Will you get A LOT more of them than if you pre-DISqualified ALL of
them? Most definitely.
=====
You've already heard about The Leading Man. If you are interested
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I'll talk to you again soon. Next time, we'll cover a killer way
to know EXACTLY how to amaze a woman the first time you hang out
with her...and it's easy to do.
Be Good,
Scot
P.S. Emily and I are considering throwing a get-together for all
the X & Y Communications readers and podcast listeners here in the
San Antonio/Austin area.
This would probably be in mid-November.
We'd love to meet more of y'all and have a blast together.
Interested? Let us know you're out there by e-mailing us at
scot@deservewhatyouwant.com with "PARTY" in the subject line.
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